Thursday, March 19, 2015

My Own Worst Enemy

Boy, so much for back and blogging again...

I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I can't seem to get the creative juices flowing. In an effort to try to jump start things, I'm blogging today anyway.


Well, good things are starting to happen in my life with career and school. I may have a job, granted, as an Executive Assistant in an unrelated field, but a great job nonetheless. I've also been given some fantastic leadership opportunities in my professional association which are quite an honor.

So why do I feel so damn unworthy? Why do I feel like an undeserving fraud? Why can I not let good things come my way, let myself succeed, be grateful, and enjoy it?!

You know, I'm absolutely terrified of flying. From the airport check-in on, I feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm always certain that mine is the flight that will go down. Even though I know the safety statistics and have flown many times, I'm afraid that if I sit back, relax, and enjoy it all, that is precisely when the plane will crash. My psyche becomes a sacrificial virgin to the god of flight.

So too am I afraid that if I do become happy, successful, and enjoy life, that is precisely when it'll all hit the fan: the house fire, the death of a loved one, the fatal diagnosis, or all out nuclear war...

Will I ever just let myself be happy?