Wednesday, August 24, 2016

What's in a Number?

I'm back at it again. I've abandoned the idea of waiting for my blog's update and improvements to be complete before writing. I apparently love blogging. I love writing. It's very therapeutic for me.

Since last I posted, I've been navigating the stormy seas of the spirit, and am in the throws of an existential crisis. I'm 49, teetering dangerously close to the edge of 50's deep, dark, rocky chasm. 

Why do we get so hung up on the number of times we've journeyed around the sun?

Yes, it provides an estimate on quality of life and time left, but clearly it's not perfect. There are young people who leave us far too soon and there are many others who live over a century. It's said, "Age is a state of mind", "40 is the new 30; 50 is the new 40..."; but I can't seem to let go of the notion that time is running out for me. Lately, these are the questions swarming around my head:
  • Can I really start a new career in my 6th decade?
  • Will I ever be able to get out of (bad) debt?
  • Will I ever be able to move to a bigger house?
  • Will I ever move out west - Arizona or Colorado? Or am I cemented here because of myriad commitments and relationships?
  • Will I ever be able to complete my bucket list? Will I have enough money? Will I have enough time??!
  • And as a woman, what is becoming of me physically? Yeah, I know. Beauty is only skin deep; and inner beauty will (hopefully) shine brighter everyday. Fine. Tell that to men...and society. Although, why should I care? I shouldn't. I know...but I least for now.
[Addendum: The last bullet point in particular is very egocentric. I don't apply the same rules to others that I apply to myself. When I see almost all other women who are approaching or over 50, I easily see their attractiveness and beauty - both inside and out. I see the power, strength, wisdom, and self-assuredness that comes with age (and strikingly absent from youth). Depressed thinking is very myopic indeed. I'm keenly aware of this, but it's less scary to just roll up like a burrito in my blanket of self-imposed rules and self-loathing and burrow under my emotional rock.]

Yes. Yes. This is a mid-life crisis, and I hope to emerge from it one day self-assured, strong, and better than ever. Eh...

For now, just wallowing. 



On the lighter side of things...

College classes began for me today. Excited to get back at it!

My College Planner - Fall 2016 (#filofax), 2016