Motivation in Isolation

From early childhood on, my social rules of engagement have always been the same: keenly observe and internalize the social cues around me, and then when I'm absolutely certain I've got it (and only then!), put myself out there publicly.  

I'd been away from regular blogging for so long that I've felt sheepish about returning. With social (online) media, however, the rules of engagement are carved in ever-shifting sand. If I waited until I finally "get it", I'd never engage!

Well, here I am...Karen...re-engaged Karen...

So, how are you all doing in this unprecedented time in which we find ourselves this spring 2020? 

What are you doing to maintain, not only physical, but mental wellness?

Yesterday, feeling powerless and tapped out, I found myself dipping my toes in the edge of the Vortex once again...that is, until I watched the YouTube video, "An Astronaut's Guide to Self Isolation". Check it out:

And that, dear friends, is what got me off the couch, back to blogging, and back to life. Thank you Col. Hadfield :)

Pink Hi-Top Adventures - Back to School

Holy wow - time flies! I just looked over at the "Archives" here and the last time I blogged was early 2018!! Just a few big things that happened in the last year:

December 2018 - graduated from Northern Virginia Community College with an A.S., psychology degree - no small feat considering it took me thirty years to get there...

May 2019 Commencement

July 2019 - had emergency appendectomy at 2:30 am instead of flying to Colorado later that morning for vacation and an amazing training opportunity in Denver...




and finally, 

August 2019 - returned to university to complete my B.S., psychology degree.

This fall will be stressful, but also exciting and fun and I look forward to the challenge, I tell myself on good days; 

How the hell am I going to make it all happen - and where the hell are my glasses [...or keys...or shoes...or books...]?!?!, I say the rest of the time. 

The truth is, life is not as neat and clean and Walton's-Family-Christmas as social media might at times make us feel. For that matter, nor is it as mean and dirty and negative as the news media might project. Most of us are dwelling somewhere in between at any given moment. 

Punctuated equilibrium is the term that the late, great anthropologist Stephen Jay Gould used to describe evolution. Rather than a smooth trajectory of constant change, he said that species plod along from generation to generation with no remarkable genetic changes overall until - BAM! - a cataclysmic event occurs. Those who are adapted to the new conditions created by the cataclysm survive (and subsequently reproduce, passing on their traits), while those who are poorly adapted die off (and of course don't pass on their genes). 

LIFE in general is like that - punctuated equilibrium. That is how personal growth occurs (or fails to occur). We plod along in life...daily routine...minimal highs and lows then - BAM! Something big happens and we are forced to adapt - that is if we want to not just survive, but to thrive.

Which gets me back to this fall...how the hell am I going to make it all happen and thrive?

For five or so years, on and off, I've blogged about my journey through and beyond recovery from alcohol addiction, depression, and anxiety disorder. At this point, I have a pretty solid recovery under my belt. In fact, I'm working in the mental health field as a peer recovery specialist {more on that later}. 

So, I've decided to focus more now on the Adventures part of this blog, and I'm taking you with me, dear reader. Not just adventures in recovery or college, but in really learning how to thrive and grow into my best self. 

I invite you to join me in this journey too! Don't just read...DO. Who are you? What is your purpose on Earth? Where are you going? Where do you want to be? Share with me and others right here, or at any of the Pink Hi-Top Adventures social media sites (below).

Okay, let's power off now and get going!

Connect with Pink Hi-Top Adventures:

https://www.facebook.com/Pink-Hi-Top-Adventures-411429458973219/

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https://www.pinterest.com/pinkhitops/

email: pink.hi.tops@gmail.com

Step Two: My Planner

As mentioned in the previous post, recently I caught myself sinking back into depression. I took Step One to get back on track, and now...

Step Two: 

WELLNESS TOOL SUPREME - MY PLANNER

I first encountered personal planners back in 1990. When placing an office supply order at work, one of my coworkers requested DayTimer refills, and I thought, "What the hell is 'day...timer'?". Now mind you, I'd always been the type who poured over office supply catalogs like porn, but I'd never seen a planner quite like this before. This was no ordinary calendar. This was a caramel-colored leather, pocket-sized, hyper-organized success Grail!


Since then, technology may have made it infinitely easier to reconnect with your 3rd grade crush, share ideas around the world, and overthrow a small nation, but for me, and millions of others, paper-based planning beats hi-tech any day! In fact, since partial hospitalization (PHP) five years ago, paper planning has not only remained my go-to for everyday time and life management (i.e., calendar, to do list, contacts, and key info), but has evolved into a valuable tool for maintaining mental health and addiction recovery.
  

MENTAL ILLNESS/ADDICTION MANAGEMENT

To maintain mental and physical wellness, I use my planner to:

• List medications (dose, frequency, etc.);
• Track physical activity/exercise (e.g., steps walked each day, exercise log);
• Track daily water consumption;
• Meal plan;
• Maintain a food log; and,
• Log doctor visits/results, lab work, vaccines, etc.

In addition, I now carry a copy of my "KWRAP"* in my planner for easy reference. 

Created by Mary Ellen Copeland, PhD, Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) is a tool to which I was first introduced in PHP. They gave us handouts to work on in group, but I did mine on the computer at home - with movie clips. (See below. Obviously the meds were kicking in at that point!)

COGNITIVE BEHAVIOR THERAPY (CBT)

CBT is a tool for "modifying dysfunctional thinking and behavior"; and my planner has become a tool for CBT. My planner is a source of affirmations, visualizations, motivational quotes, gratitude lists, and other exercises designed to squash ANTs** and facilitate cognitive restructuring.

ART THERAPY

No, it is not imperative for staying on top of things, but pictures, stickers, and other colorful accents just plain pick me the hell up! The very act of doodling and adding Washi tape, scrapbook paper, and motivational quote stickers to a planner page relaxes me, much the way adult coloring books relieve stress for others.  

My raison d'être

MONEY MANAGEMENT


Needless to say, many of us coping with chronic mental illness and/or addiction struggle heavily with money management. In fact, the symptoms of our illnesses not only make managing finances difficult, but likely are the very things that dug us into our pecuniary pits in the first place. 

Fortunately, with the help of family, friends, and professionals, and a wealth of resources available in books and online now, we can begin moving forward in this area of our lives too. I've dedicated an entire section of my planner to this topic - a one-stop place for planning, tracking, and learning.  

___________


*If WRAP is pronounced, /rap/, then KWRAP is pronounced, well.../CRAP/. {Even cocooned in my bed by the Vortex, I still had a sense of humour at the time.}
**A.N.T.s - Automatic Negative Thoughts - coined by psychiatrist Dr. Daniel G. Amen, MD.

Step One

Folks, I have 10, count em...T E N! drafts written in the last two months just sitting there on my Blogger home-page-inbox-thingie awaiting final edits before posting. Well, this post is  going up as is - written off the cuff, because blogging is urgently needed self-care right now.

I'm in a bad place right now - not Vortex-level-bad, but getting precariously close to the edge. The warning signs:

• I'm getting more and more anxious and irritable (for no reason);
• I'm continuously scanning my body for symptoms of my untimely demise; 
• I'm überly {new word?} self-critical; and,
• "Automatic negative thoughts" pop out of nowhere. 

Truth be told, I've been a little whole-lot sloppy in recovery for some time now and it's catching up with me. I got complacent. Though I've seen a psychiatrist regularly, I haven't been to a therapist in a couple of years now. 

Also, fall 2017 hit me harder than expected - not so much because of seasonal affective disorder, though. I just didn't realize how the first anniversary of my brothers dying and death would hit me like a ton of bricks...and...

I'm 51 now...

and then because of pharmacy refill-syncing issues and doctors office's holiday closures, I got waaaaay off schedule on my meds. In fact, I did what one should ABSOLUTELY NOT DO: I quit taking two of the three meds I take, because I got so behind on doses.

SO...

how the hell to get back on track?!

STEP ONE: This post

up for air

Photo by Simon_sees

Exactly one week before my 51st birthday, five days before I fly again (another blog post entirely!), and coming up next month, the one year anniversary of my brother's death.

I'm rapidly becoming depressed (and anxious about flying). I know what to do, just struggling with the ability to even do.

You see, it's not as easy as it should be - simply knuckle down, "put on [my] 'Big Girl' panties", and apply all the other wellness tools about which I preach here and teach my peers on the job. If it were that easy for me, consider it done!

Rather, it's a weight bearing down - an invisible suit of lead. Or a cage - a dark tunnel with only a lit match to guide me out.

At one family night, back when I was in addiction treatment, another group member's wife was on the verge of tears, asking her husband, "I don't understand - why can't you just stop? You see what it's doing to you and our family." 

He had no answer for her, but I chimed in:

It's like being at a pool and watching all the other swimmers dive in and successfully swim the length of the pool while holding their breath. It's your turn. You think, 'Piece a cake.' You dive in and only a few meters out, you need to breath. You keep on going, saying to yourself, 'Knuckle down. Just do it. Everyone else did...'; but with every stroke, the urge to breath is stronger and stronger until it's so overwhelming you come up for air. You pop up, and everyone's disappointed in you. You're disappointed in you. 

So you try again...and again...and again, and every time it's the same. In fact, the more you try, the shorter the distance before you need to breathe."  

And that's the way it is too with depression, although not so much an urge to do something, rather an inability to do the very thing(s) that will help.

The need to do something (addiction) or inability to do something (depression) is so ingrained in your wiring, it's almost fully unconscious. It's like the urgent drive to patch the hole with your finger before the dam bursts, or the instinct to seek cover from the hailing storm. You just do it, all the while maintaining the face of "normal" to the rest of the world. You mask you're illness until the disparity between your inside and the outside becomes too great and you explode or implode.

Often, the only way out, is to learn to breath with an instructor, and it can't be family. Most of the time, it can't even be friends. Sometimes the only way out is to leap into the arms of a professional and trust that they'll guide you eventually to the other side of the pool.

So, I guess I just solved my own dilemma. Calling my therapist today.

{im}perfectly PINTERESTing

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life...have the courage to follow your heart and intuition."                                                    - Steve Jobs

I turned 50 last October, and as you know, shortly after, I lost my youngest brother to brain cancer. Like a carefree bird at full speed, I flew smack into the cold glass of reality - a window of hope having just slammed shut. No longer an esoteric thought, I finally saw and felt "Life's brief candle" flickering.

Over the decades, I've become complacent. It's easy to do, you know. So many of us let the passions and dreams of youth slip out of our fingers and sail away behind us. We settle down and settle in. We aspire to fit the mold of the perfect mother or father - the perfect bread winner, spouse, or lover. We deplete our resources and ourselves trying to meet up to standards set by the invisible "them".

In the last several years, the internet has become a powerful resource in my never-ending quest for perfection. Enter Pinterest: my internet porn and, at times, self-esteem leech.

Millions of "hacks" using baking soda, vinegar, and toothpaste for all kinds of household fixeroos. Pictures of pristine, cozy kitchens in white with turquoise tools and stainless appliances. Tutorials for sexy hair, age-reversing make-up, wardrobe tweaks, and exercise tips promising transformation from frowning frump to 21st Century, June Cleaver-Jane Mansfield Fox. A flicker of hope for the weary working woman or stay at home mom who tries to be everything to everyone, but ends up exhausted and worn.

Don't get me wrong, Pinterest's a wonderful, powerful tool. An endless depot of collective ideas and inspiration, it can help us make life easier, richer, and more fun. In the hands of an easily-depressed, attention-impaired, 24-hour-a-day-stimulus-seeking addict like me, though, it can have the reverse effect.

Contrary to popular belief (ha-ha)...I'm not perfect. While this fuels my initiative and inspires my goal-setting, it's also led to procrastination, and pushed me over the edge more than once into the Vortex. Take blogging, for instance. Even though I've been blogging for almost five years now, in the last two, I've poured over countless "Pins" listing tips for blogging success. Always afraid of failure, though, I've been waiting for the perfect time to dive back in - waiting to get the new blog website up and running and, well, perfect. Waiting to craft the perfect masthead and design, and to outline a precise map of topics before continuing where I left off.

Now on the cusp of...gulp...51, Life's brief candle may indeed be slowly waning, but damn it, I've decided I'm going to crackle, blaze, and roar before I'm through! I'm ditching the self-repression of Them-pleasing and freeing the bound and gagged, long-lost ME. I'm going to do what I love - get back to blogging, rekindle old fires, and explore much, much more! (It's not called Pink Hi-Top ADVENTURES for nothing, you know.)

Yes, the new website will come; and yes, I'll checkout Pinterest, etc. for creative and technical ideas to get there. In the meantime, however, I'm back and I'll give you the best I've got.

____________

12/17/2017
Reading back over this and other posts just now, I noticed something. When I have a problem or emotional crisis, and I blog about it, somewhere in the last two paragraphs I have an epiphany. My outlook does a 180, hope returns, and I'm charged enough to get back on the path.

ANTI-DEPRESSION TOOL: If your outlook is bleak right now, write it out, draw it out, GET IT OUT of your head and onto paper (or screen). 

[Now there's a reason to start blogging again...and, oh crap! I already said, "I'm back..." I better get out of this post and into a new one. NOW!]

dark and light

[From March somethingth, 2017]

It's been forever it seems since I last posted.

I can't write, and I'm worried that I've lost it - that I'll never be able to blog like I used to. Two years ago, I was often full of hope and optimism. Positive thoughts and words seem cheap - like glass
pawned off as diamond. I stand now in a 'fun' house hall of mirrors - my belief in a positive future: a bent and twisted reflection of shattered ideals.

As you may know, my brother Patrick passed away from a very rare form of brain cancer last fall - Thanksgiving week, actually. He was only 44. Though I've desperately wanted to, I haven't been able to muster up the fortitude to write a proper tribute to him yet. But it's coming...soon.

I know I don't corner the market on pain and grief, but I certainly don't handle it with grace. I'm slow at acceptance and quick to dissolve in my pain. I haven't been able to accept it. I don't want to accept it. I WON'T accept it!

Me & my little brothers: Karen, John, & Pat

c.1992

...cause maybe if I do, I'll start to forget him. I don't EVER want to forget him; and if I have to self-flagellate to remember, so be it.


I never before realized just how much I love my siblings. Missing my little brother has been like losing a limb or an eye. It's been the perfect psychiatric storm: lifelong mental illness rams into grief - swirling, thrashing, and raging in a sea of mid-life hormones. Always a full vessel til now, my heart's empty  - ripped to shreds and swept away in a gulf of tears.

And looking inward, this is a striking reminder of the road's end - the path on which we all steadily tread. Death - the great equalizer. Granted, most of us probably won't die as young as Pat, but we're headed there nonetheless. And now I'm 50...



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June 1, 2017

Since I wrote the above, I've been pulling myself up again...slooowly. Still mourning, still crying at least once a week, but moving forward. Time may heal all pain, but it will never fill the hole in my heart which I'll carry on my journey til I myself die. I'll never, ever forget him. Never stop talking to him, never stop sharing "Pat stories" with family and friends, and never stop looking for some sign in the clouds, on a street sign or bumper sticker, or in the random words of a stranger or colleague...some sign that he is in fact doing well and existing in Heaven or another alternate plain...some sign that one day I will...that I WILL get to see him again...some sign that he has not just evaporated into nothingness.

On the brighter side, in the darkest days of the holiday season, I landed the job of my dreams - at least for this next phase of my career. The focus of this job is providing peer support of and modeling wellness for those who are also mentally ill and/or addicted.

Wellness, in fact, is where I have always wanted to go with Pink Hi-Top Adventures in the long run. In fact, I'm working on a new blog page and format now.

In the meantime, I will continue to post here...until the ribbon cutting. ;)

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P.S. - Okay, and yes, there is someTHING else that has contributed to my depression as well. Salt in the wound, if you will, coinciding with my brother's final days on Earth...but that is for another blog. Not another post, another BLOG entirely.

P.P.S. - If anyone knows how to create a blog on one's own URL or if you know of any good computery-designy-types or online services that can help set up an original blog and website, please let me know. :)   pink.hi.tops@gmail.com