Wednesday, May 31, 2017

dark and light

[From March somethingth, 2017]

It's been forever it seems since I last posted.

I can't write, and I'm worried that I've lost it - that I'll never be able to blog like I used to. Two years ago, I was often full of hope and optimism. Positive thoughts and words seem cheap - like glass
pawned off as diamond. I stand now in a 'fun' house hall of mirrors - my belief in a positive future: a bent and twisted reflection of shattered ideals.

As you may know, my brother Patrick passed away from a very rare form of brain cancer last fall - Thanksgiving week, actually. He was only 44. Though I've desperately wanted to, I haven't been able to muster up the fortitude to write a proper tribute to him yet. But it's coming...soon.

I know I don't corner the market on pain and grief, but I certainly don't handle it with grace. I'm slow at acceptance and quick to dissolve in my pain. I haven't been able to accept it. I don't want to accept it. I WON'T accept it!

Me & my little brothers: Karen, John, & Pat

...cause maybe if I do, I'll start to forget him. I don't EVER want to forget him; and if I have to self-flagellate to remember, so be it.

I never before realized just how much I love my siblings. Missing my little brother has been like losing a limb or an eye. It's been the perfect psychiatric storm: lifelong mental illness rams into grief - swirling, thrashing, and raging in a sea of mid-life hormones. Always a full vessel til now, my heart's empty  - ripped to shreds and swept away in a gulf of tears.

And looking inward, this is a striking reminder of the road's end - the path on which we all steadily tread. Death - the great equalizer. Granted, most of us probably won't die as young as Pat, but we're headed there nonetheless. And now I'm 50...


June 1, 2017

Since I wrote the above, I've been pulling myself up again...slooowly. Still mourning, still crying at least once a week, but moving forward. Time may heal all pain, but it will never fill the hole in my heart which I'll carry on my journey til I myself die. I'll never, ever forget him. Never stop talking to him, never stop sharing "Pat stories" with family and friends, and never stop looking for some sign in the clouds, on a street sign or bumper sticker, or in the random words of a stranger or colleague...some sign that he is in fact doing well and existing in Heaven or another alternate plain...some sign that one day I will...that I WILL get to see him again...some sign that he has not just evaporated into nothingness.

On the brighter side, in the darkest days of the holiday season, I landed the job of my dreams - at least for this next phase of my career. The focus of this job is providing peer support of and modeling wellness for those who are also mentally ill and/or addicted.

Wellness, in fact, is where I have always wanted to go with Pink Hi-Top Adventures in the long run. In fact, I'm working on a new blog page and format now.

In the meantime, I will continue to post here...until the ribbon cutting. ;)


P.S. - Okay, and yes, there is someTHING else that has contributed to my depression as well. Salt in the wound, if you will, coinciding with my brother's final days on Earth...but that is for another blog. Not another post, another BLOG entirely.

P.P.S. - If anyone knows how to create a blog on one's own URL or if you know of any good computery-designy-types or online services that can help set up an original blog and website, please let me know. :) 

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Thanksgiving Mourning

Karen (Me), John, and Pat
(Sorry John, had to post it. You're handsome.
And besides, you don't read my blog anyway!)

Happy Thanksgiving! 

There. I said it, albeit with gritted teeth. No, seriously. I do wish you a happy Thanksgiving, but it's a little hard today to be happy on mine.

Monday of this week, my brother (Pat, above) passed away from brain cancer. I will blog about this later. For today, I am going to trryyyy...try, try, try to be grateful. I know it's the right thing to do; and in trying to set a good example of mental wellness, I am going to force myself to do it.

I am grateful for:
  • My brothers: They are (yes, 'are') more than just brothers. They are my best friends! They are handsome, intelligent, witty, thoughtful, and unbelievably creative and talented! 
  • My parents: They loved us and worked very hard to provide us with food, clothing, health care, and shelter. On top of that, they nurtured our religious, spiritual, and moral growth; ensured we had the best education; broadened our life experience with travel across the US and in Europe; encouraged the development of our talents with sports, music, and other extracurricular activities and training; shared our cultural heritage (Irish American) and holiday traditions; and stressed the importance of family and friendship bonds and love.
  • My husband: (Whom Pat introduced me to in the first place.) He is a wonderful, caring, loving, intelligent, creative, talented, and incredibly handsome (HOT!) man, wonderful father, and my best, best friend!
  • My daughters: (One of whom wouldn't exist if it weren't for Pat introducing me to my husband.) They have both grown into beautiful, smart, witty, talented, creative, caring, kind, and loving young women.
  • My father- and mother-in-law: I am so, so, so lucky to have great in-laws! I just adore them! They are loving, comforting, generous, and fun to be around. I am also very proud of my father-in-law in particular {and YOU KNOW WHY!}
  • My sisters-in-law: Again, I am so damn lucky to have these gorgeous, kind, intelligent, and strong women in my life! I love and admire them. They set a great example for their children and my daughters. They inspire me to be a better woman myself!
  • My brothers-in-law: They are all strong, intelligent, incredibly handsome, and fun to be around!
  • My other relatives: I come from a wonderful family on both sides. Even though there is geographic distance between us, they are always close within my heart.
  • My "Royal" Friends: (Whom I met exclusively through Pat.) They are kind, caring, thoughtful, generous, talented, smart, and completely fun to be around. [You know who you are!!]
  • My Other Best Friends: They are also truly kind, caring, thoughtful, generous, talented, smart, and completely fun to be around.
  • My Pets - Shade, Bella, and Sunny: Here are some pics that make me happy right now.

  • LIFE: Even though there is sometimes suffering and pain, I am grateful...I am trying to be grateful, that is - that I am alive. That every day is a new day with new possibilities and hope. That I can see, hear, touch, and taste the physical world around me and if I'm quiet and still enough, can sense the world beyond.
What are you grateful for today?

Thursday, November 17, 2016

The Vortex Vent

"Shadows of Us", by Karen Clarke
[My brother and I.]

So I am NOT doing a very good job of staying out of the Vortex. I am not handling this very well at all. Who would?, I suppose.

Quite often, I am a two-year old in the body of a 50-year old. Occasionally, though, I am a little bit strong. I am typically at my best when I am with my brother actively doing something to help him, talking to him, and/or just sitting next to him. On the other hand, I am at my worst - as today - when I am back at my own house. I feel empty, helpless, and hopeless.

I really, really, really wanted to share with you tips on protecting one's mental health when dealing with serious illness, dying, death, and grief, but I've got nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing to share from my own journey through this experience to inspire you and set a good example of self-care that helps you help others. I totally know it's wrong to say, but I don't really give a damn about my own mental or physical health at the moment.

I know what I should be doing, but I am simply unable [unwilling] to do it. I know well the metaphor of the importance of taking care of oneself in order to best help others - like a parent putting on their own oxygen mask before putting one on their child in an airplane emergency. I have loved tossing that one around at friends and family coping with caring for others, but now it feels trite.

Wait...Actually, now that I think about it, this blog post is a part of self care. Venting one's emotions, as painful as they are, is therapeutic. The other day, I was thinking about the myriad feelings and emotions I cycle through daily, and I wrote the poem below**. Writing that too was therapeutic. 

So I guess I do have a tip for you after all: write (or draw, etc.) your feelings and emotions - painful and dark as they may well be. Share them or not, just get them out of your head and onto a medium. It is a pressure release to prevent full throttle explosion as emotional pain and suffering continues to layer your heart.



Like a sculptor working stone, pain carves me from the inside out –




I am angry. I rage 

                        and lash out like a fork-tongued serpent, fangs bared at the world.

I cry torrents of tears,

and thrash about like a wounded shark. 

I weep and wail til my heart’s squeezed dry. 

I am hollow.

I am full.

I am strong.

I am weak.

I am pain.

I am numb.

I am loss.

I am love.

I am grief.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Brain Cancer Sucks

Dear Readers:

A million and ten times over the last year I said I was getting back to blogging, but never 
did. As I mentioned at one point in a previous post, I've been going through some emotionally trying times with a suffering loved one. [See Pat Clarkewritten by his best friend, my husband Greg.] Though it consumed me and I desperately wanted to write about it, I also didn't want to share too much out of respect for his privacy - until now.

My brother is dying of Gliomatosis Cerebri - one of the rarest forms of brain cancer. {God! I've never used that verb before when referring to his illness!}

As you may well know, staying out of the Vortex of major depression and addiction has been (and always will be) a constant battle. This past year, however, tested the strength of my recovery more than any other time in my life thus far. So now more than ever, I need to return to blogging as cathartic therapy. I'll share with you what I've been learning as I've walked (and still walk) this long, hard journey with my little brother. 

Additionally, as soon as possible, I'll be updating to a new blog site and expanding the content to include a broader range of topics such as: brain cancer, grief, and more of an emphasis on maintaining mental wellness in general.

That's all I've got energy for now. Have a happy and healthy week! 



Wednesday, August 24, 2016

What's in a Number?

I'm back at it again. I've abandoned the idea of waiting for my blog's update and improvements to be complete before writing. I apparently love blogging. I love writing. It's very therapeutic for me.

Since last I posted, I've been navigating the stormy seas of the spirit, and am in the throws of an existential crisis. I'm 49, teetering dangerously close to the edge of 50's deep, dark, rocky chasm. 

Why do we get so hung up on the number of times we've journeyed around the sun?

Yes, it provides an estimate on quality of life and time left, but clearly it's not perfect. There are young people who leave us far too soon and there are many others who live over a century. It's said, "Age is a state of mind", "40 is the new 30; 50 is the new 40..."; but I can't seem to let go of the notion that time is running out for me. Lately, these are the questions swarming around my head:
  • Can I really start a new career in my 6th decade?
  • Will I ever be able to get out of (bad) debt?
  • Will I ever be able to move to a bigger house?
  • Will I ever move out west - Arizona or Colorado? Or am I cemented here because of myriad commitments and relationships?
  • Will I ever be able to complete my bucket list? Will I have enough money? Will I have enough time??!
  • And as a woman, what is becoming of me physically? Yeah, I know. Beauty is only skin deep; and inner beauty will (hopefully) shine brighter everyday. Fine. Tell that to men...and society. Although, why should I care? I shouldn't. I know...but I least for now.
[Addendum: The last bullet point in particular is very egocentric. I don't apply the same rules to others that I apply to myself. When I see almost all other women who are approaching or over 50, I easily see their attractiveness and beauty - both inside and out. I see the power, strength, wisdom, and self-assuredness that comes with age (and strikingly absent from youth). Depressed thinking is very myopic indeed. I'm keenly aware of this, but it's less scary to just roll up like a burrito in my blanket of self-imposed rules and self-loathing and burrow under my emotional rock.]

Yes. Yes. This is a mid-life crisis, and I hope to emerge from it one day self-assured, strong, and better than ever. Eh...

For now, just wallowing. 



On the lighter side of things...

College classes began for me today. Excited to get back at it!

My College Planner - Fall 2016 (#filofax), 2016

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

a heavy heart

Dear Readers:

Yes, I am waaaay behind schedule...


I am - my family and friends are - overwhelmed with a dear, dear loved one's critical illness. Everyday, I try to muster up the strength and courage to maintain optimism, hope, and and positive energy. Sometimes, however, the weight is far too great and I fall apart on the floor of my darkened bedroom and wail for an hour.

My heart is in a perpetual state of breaking...

Sleep is the only respite. Then I wake up in the morning and remember the monster that awaits. So, I put one foot in front of the other and start all over again. 

Thus, my plans of revamping this blog, creating a website for it, and creating recovery tools for my etsy shop, have been stalled for the time being. 

I am very surprised, however, that I am not having a complete breakdown right now - a testament to medication, I suppose. That and amazing and supportive friends and family!

I will return to blogging again, however. I know it is good for my mental health, and hopefully you get something out of it too.


Saturday, May 14, 2016


{If you're new to this blog, check out this post in the meantime: Pink Hi-Top Adventures. Thanks for stopping by!)

Dear Readers: 

Sorry I've been offline a lot during these past several months. With this blog now 3.5 years old, I've been thinking about ways to improve and enhance the content and presentation.

I LOVE blogging! It's been very therapeutic these past few years, but I've reached the point where I want to go beyond that and dive deeper into providing more education, resources, and wellness tools to support YOU - from my perspective as a patient and psychology undergrad. {Please, please always keep this in mind - I am not a professional, i.e., clinician, professor, doctor, therapist, etc.}

So, I'm currently in the process of serious planning, prep, and writing, but don't you worry! I'll be returning in June.

In the meantime, if YOU have any ideas or suggestions for topics, etc., please, please feel free to drop me a note here, on the Facebook page - Pink Hi-Top Adventures, or by email at:

See you soon!

Love, Karen