Thursday, August 13, 2020

Alcohol - How do I know if it's Substance Use Disorder vs. problem drinking?

In light of the recent article I shared on the Pink Hi-Top Adventures Facebook page, I thought I'd repost (with very minor edits) this one - originally published back in 2013. Please note - as always - this is based on my own personal experience.

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I'm often asked how it was that I knew I was an alcoholic when I first quit drinking. After all, I wasn't exactly the image most people have in their heads when they think "addict". I wasn't an angry drunk - I never beat my children. I held down a job. I didn't drink early in the day or in the morning. I didn't drink in bars - didn't do "happy hour". I didn't hide my wine - in fact I reveled in the notion that I was a connoisseur {or so I fancied myself.}

Me with my Ex...and a perm! - hey, it was the mid-90s!
But I did spend my adult life trying to pound a square peg into a round hole. I wanted to drink as I pleased AND be a happy, healthy, fit, confident, successful woman...but it wasn't working. 

In my mid-30s, I began to see a therapist for panic attacks, anxiety, and low self-esteem. I thought I'd be able to root up some childhood trauma, hold it up to the light of reason, and watch my anxiety turn to dust like a vampire at dawn. Instead, I began the long journey of peeling away the layers to expose the diseases within. 

Apparently, my therapist suspected a substance abuse problem early on. She challenged me on several occasions to forgo the drink, but I could never follow through with the commitment. In fact, though I heard her most of the time, I repressed her words almost instantly.

Finally, after failing yet another self-control challenge, I agreed to at least be evaluated by a substance abuse counselor. I thought I could finally put the discussion to rest, learn how to drink moderately, and continue my "hobby". 

The counselor asked several questions, and at the end of the evaluation, told me he thought I "could benefit from the program". I looked at him dumbfounded, so he handed me a sheet with the definitions of abuser vs. addict to see what I thought. {See bottom of post.} I was certain that I was an abuser and simply needed help getting back on track with "healthy drinking" - after all, wasn't I doing myself a favor in choosing red wine over beer? 

First, I read the traits of abuse and could relate to most. Then, I read through addiction and my world came crashing down. My eyes filled with unstoppable tears. The divorce proceedings had begun.

In early outpatient treatment, much of my "work" was spent examining the evidence that I was not a normal drinker. Diagnosis buy-in {admitting I had a problem} was step one.

Over the next few weeks, the evidence mounted. I'll share with you some of what I revealed to myself - in no particular order. 

I knew I was an alcoholic, because: 
  • I felt uncomfortable, nay, damn irritable at parties, weddings, or other events at which no alcohol was served; and I would limit time spent there.
  • And if I knew in advance that alcohol was not on the menu at the occasion, I would drink before and after.
  • I drank everyday - my dose was 1 - 3 glasses of red wine.
  • At special occasions {i.e., parties, weddings, funerals, holidays, Fridays, Saturdays...} I drank as much as I pleased. 
  • I could almost always drink more than any other {non-alcoholic} woman - and many men - the latter, a point in which I took great pride.
  • I felt uncomfortable and cranky almost nightly when my husband wouldn't have a drink with me at dinner.
  • If given the choice of food or wine at a party, I chose wine first.
  • I could never understand how some people can have just 1 or 2 drinks or leave behind a half-full glass. It made me uncomfortable and gnawed at my core.
  • If my husband or I went out to dinner and the place we chose had no alcohol on the menu, I would be irritable and bitch about finding another restaurant.
  • My dresser and night stand were littered with wine glasses almost all the time.
    ©Jenny Ondioline
  • My kitchen decor was a grapes / wine motif. 
  • If I thought, for example, that a piece of chicken I ate was a little too pink inside, I would take a shot of Stoli {vodka} that I kept in the freezer - to kill any salmonella bacteria I may have ingested, of course! [When I shared this in group, my counselor told me he had never in all his years heard this one before!]
  • If the weather forecast called for a possible hurricane or snowstorm, the first mental planning I did was an assessment of how much wine I had left, and how much I should pick up - forget the bread, milk, eggs, bottled water, and batteries that everyone else foolishly stocked up on!
  • Every day on my ride home, my thoughts would turn to how much wine I had in the house, and whether or not I needed to pick up any.
  • Once, we were invited to the wedding of a good friend; and it was held at a vineyard. Since it was a weekend wedding extravaganza, we rented a house with our other friends who drank as well. So...I brought from home five bottles of pricey red wine to have on hand...just in case, you know. I kept my stash in the car, however, since it was back-up. Just in case I ran out of booze...at a vineyard.
  • I had rules around my drinking, e.g., "I don't drink before the evening", "I only drink 1 - 3 glasses on week nights", "I only {mostly} drink red wine - it is healthy for the heart and prevents cancer", "I don't hang out in bars, unless it's a special occasion", "I don't drink and drive" {unless I have to...}, "I don't drink hard liquor" {unless I ate under-cooked meat, or unless there's nothing else to drink!}, "I don't hide my wine - only alcoholics hide their booze. Please note - normal drinkers do not need rules.
  • I always thought, "I'm not an alcoholic...I'm not like them...I can control my drinking"...yet I never really could. Every time I started a health / fitness program and challenged myself to forgo booze until the weekend, I could not do it. Here are three separate days in a row from my 2005 fitness log: 
 

I am very grateful to be 15 years sober on November 18, 2020. It was only through quitting drinking that I was able to heal my body and begin the long, long process of healing my mind and soul as well.

Chemical addiction does not go away without help, and will leave you empty, lonely, very sick, mentally ill, incarcerated, and / or dead. Please think about this - especiallyif you can relate to any of what I wrote. Seek assistance from a therapist or counselor. I promise that it is brighter on the other side - and waaaay more fun!!!

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*Handouts from that first recovery center interview - taken from the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Ed. Copyright 1994, American Psychiatric Association:























*UPDATE: The above sheets are a good overview of addiction symptoms vs. abuse symptoms; howeveer, keep in mind they are older diagnostic sheets; the DSM-V (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders {5th revision} of the American Psychiatric Association) has since categorize symptoms and diagnosis a little differently. 

Thursday, July 23, 2020

The Ring of Fire - REPOST (from 9/2015)

NOTE: This is a repost from September 2015. I updated some of the resources listed and added a few new ones. Reading back over it now...if I only knew what lay ahead. The journey was nothing like that which I imagined - certainly not any better - and I am forever grateful to the Fellowship of friends and family that made the journey with me, baring the ring together.

- Karen, 7/22/2020





I love The Lord of the Rings - this movie and its trilogy; and I'm currently drawing on this particular scene (esp. first minute) for strength and courage. 


http://lotr.wikia.com/wiki/One_Ring
You see, like Frodo, I've been sent on a personal quest to carry my own ring, bear its increasing weight, and cast it once and for all into the fires of Mount Doom

Life is like that. There comes a time in all our lives when we are called upon to take up our own cross, bear its weight, and complete our quest. We never ask for it, and we are free to choose to accept it or to walk away. Either way, there is a price to pay; but one choice leads to strength, growth, love, and peace, and the other to weakness, fear, loneliness, and a nagging feeling of what could have been. 

Bear in mind, the journey is never an easy one. It's always fraught with this world's dragons, orcs, and wraiths. So how do we make it? How to we do it alone?


We don't.

We must create our own fellowship: friends, family, support groups, therapists, etc., who will walk with us along the way. There is strength in numbers.

We also need to recharge every now and then, for such a journey requires as much energy, strength, and focus as we can muster up. We all know how to do this - take care of ourselves physically, mentally, and spiritually. But that's easier said than done. When faced with such challenges, we often feel we need to focus all of our time and effort on completing the quest. We think we cannot afford the time, but the truth is, if we don't stop along the way to replenish ourselves, we will inevitably fail.

Here are only a few of the many, many resources out there that may help in your own quest:

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FELLOWSHIP


Addiction:

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Groups

Alcoholics Anonymous

Gamblers Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

Sex Addicts Anonymous

SAMHSA - National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357) - free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day/year treatment referral and information service (English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.

SAMHSA - Treatment Services Locator


Cancer:

Cancer Support Community

American Cancer Society


American Brain Tumor Association



Caregiving:

AARP Caregiving Resource Center

American Cancer Society




Grief and Loss:

The Hospice Foundation of America from which these links come:


The Compassionate Friends  Support after the death of a child
AARP Grief and Loss Resources  Support after the death of a senior
National Widower’s Organization  Support for men grieving a loss
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention  Support for suicide survivors
Griefnet.org  Support for adults grieving a loss
Hellogrief.org Support for adults and kids grieving a loss

Wise Old Sayings, "Ultimate Guide to Grieving Support Resources
     [Thank you Jacqueline T. - took a few years, but I finally added this great resource! ;) ]


Mental Illness:

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA)


National Alliance for the Mentall Ill

SAMHSA - National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357) - free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day/year treatment referral and information service (English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.


SAMHSA - Treatment Services Locator

schizophrenia.com

US Department of Veterans Affairs: PTSD Support Groups


Suicide and Crisis Lifelines:

National Suicide Hotline: chat online or call 24/7: 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line TEXT “HOME” TO 741-741



OTHER SELF-CARE

As you may well know, I have blogged endlessly about this topic - if only to drive it into my thick head. 

This is my favorite spiritual well:  Sacred Space

Here are blog posts I've done on "Wellness":

Renew and Refresh (4/5/15)
New Hobby (10/3/14)
CBT (6/29/14)
Physical Wellness - Getting Back on Track (5/3/14)
Pet Therapy (3/24/14)
Coming Out! (3/14/14)
The 7 Habits of Mental Wellness (about Stephen Covey's, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People):
 - Introduction to (1/25/14)
 - Habit 1: Be Proactive (2/2/14)
 - Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind (2/12/14)
 - Habit 3: Put First Things First (6/23/14)
Trip to Roanoke, Virginia:
 - Rain Clouds (10/12/13)
 - Roanoke (10/12/13)
 - Heading Home (10/14/13)
Never underestimate your own power! (2/26/13)
Acceptance (3/1/13)
Recovery step #2: sleep, damn it! (3/5/13)
Rebirth (3/30/13)
Wellness part I: physical (4/26/13)
Change is possible part II (6/27/13)
Seven steps to mental health (8/2/13)
Take me out to the ballgame! (8/12/13)
Climbing back up (8/18/13)

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I have only scratched the surface here of all the resources available out there. A quick search of Google.com or your favorite search engine is a great place to start!

Friday, June 26, 2020

Change Starts with Me

Long time, no write, I know...I know; so I thought I'd pop on for a quick update. 

Reno, Nevada, January 2020
2020 has indeed been an unusual year thus far. As tumultuous as it has been though, I think I'm actually hopeful that, as my former boss put it, "2020 will be the year of perfect vision!" 

Amidst the COVID-19 pandemic and social justice demonstrations around the country and world, my family has been in a huge state of transition as well. We just sold the house in which we've lived and raised our children for the past 21 years, and are now preparing to move all the way across the country in a week and a half. 

This upcoming relocation, coupled with spending the past few months hunkered down in quarantine, avidly following the Black Lives Matter movement, has been the catalyst for self-reflection on a very profound level.

Lake Tahoe Nevada State Park, Jan. 2020
Launched from my own recovery, Pink Hi-Top Adventures has been my ongoing tool for healing which I hoped might also help (or at least entertain) others along the way. But deeply reflecting on social justice and how I may have at times complacently accepted "the unfortunate way things are", has been energizing. I want my life, my actions, and my words to reflect that which I claim to espouse. So, as one chapter closes and another begins, I think it is a good time to revisit Pink Hi-Top Adventures. What precisely that means, I don't know yet, but I do know that I want to focus more on the "Adventures" part of wellness, living my values, social justice in mental health, and lifting others up with me along the way. 

Oh, also, I've been working on putting Pink Hi-Top Adventures on a site of its own; but this, dear friends, is a slow process, I'm afraid. I find it much easier to write than to set up a website, but stay tuned!!

Thursday, April 30, 2020

[Post 6 of 10]

Album 6: U2's Unforgettable Fire

Island Records, 1984
This album came out the month I turned 18. Having just gone away to college in another state, another identity shift was beginning and music once again played a huge role.

This album spoke not only to my progressive rock heart, but struck a chord on a much deeper level. Unlike the vast majority of 80s pop music, which for the most part revolted me at this stage, U2 was a band with a calling - a passion - a "Mission from God", to quote the Blues Brothers. Outrageously popular as they were, though, they sang about injustice and "The Troubles" of Ireland (Boy, War, & Unforgettable Fire in particular) and even dared to sing about spirituality...and God (October). These were songs that wildly inspired me - that on a subconscious level challenged me to align my life and career choices with eternal principles, and that has always stuck.

Now I KNOW I am breaking ranks here, but this album is where the love affair began and ended.  As soon as they started to explore America, in Joshua Tree and Rattle and Hum, I was out.  After all, what attracted me to them in the first place was music that sparked genetic memory in my Irish American soul - not music about the heart of America.

I have since enjoyed tunes from these and other albums of theirs, but nothing quite sticks with me like songs from their early years!



[UPDATE: 6/26/20 - Boy do I stink at following through on challenges like this! Just saw this now and realize that my short attention span ended with album 6. Maybe in a future writer's block I'll pick-up with 7. ;) ]

Monday, April 27, 2020

[Post 5 of 10]

Album 5: shake it up by the Cars


Elektra Records, 1981
The Cars were my favorite band in high school from the time I first heard them on the radio, so I can't say that shake it up in particular was THE one album that was so influential in my life. Rather, it was the band itself.

The Cars framed my high school experience. Released in my sophomore year, this was the first album of theirs that I owned. And the first live concert that I ever attended was the Cars' Heartbeat City Tour, the summer after graduating, July 1984, Merriweather Post Pavillion, Columbia, Maryland.

Again their music was fun and quirky and reflective of my adolescent soul. Don't have much more to expound upon, but it comes down to this:


the CARS = HIGH SCHOOL

at least for me. And you know, I still adore them to this day!

"The Cars" album, Elektra Records, 1978


"Heartbeat City" album, Elektra Records, 1984

Wednesday, April 22, 2020

[Post 4 of 10]

Album 4: AC/DC's Back in Black


Atlantic Records, 1980

The album opens with a lone church bell: DONGGG - DONGGG - DONGGG - DONGGG...

           then a guitar from the right...

                      ...and soon rhythm guitar, drums on the left...

This was not just music that differed from that of grown ups or music that spoke to the quirky "Me". This album was an inside secret with my brothers, featuring lyrics I knew I should probably keep on the down-low in the presence of grown ups. This was naughty!

From Hells Bells to Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution it wasn't just the forbidden lyrics, though, that spoke to me. It was those guitars rushing back and forth, right to left through headphones, Brian Johnson screeching out the lyrics, and drums like canon blasts - and, of course Angus Young's guitar solos. (Who doesn't love a grown man playing lead guitar in schoolboy nickers, jacket, and tie!) This was music that penetrated every fiber of my body - the louder the better. [Note to the Parents Music Resource Center: I am happy to report, I did not once then, or at anytime since, worship Satan or any of his minions.]

Though admittedly I am no expert in the psychological influence of music on the developing minds of adolescents and children, it didn't seem to have any kind of negative effect on the overall trajectory of my soul. In fact, it was at times a cathartic way of expressing my teen angst and age-appropriate rebellion against authority as I stretched my bat wings. 

On the other hand, as I stated in my previous posts, music did play a big role in my emerging self-identify. Actually, my favorite guitar solo and song crescendo of the album can be found in the song Have a Drink on Me, blasting in my headphones now as I write. I became an alcoholic. So, did this song, album, or the band itself cause that? I don't think so...at least, I'm pretty sure not. 

Humans are very complex beings. Who can say of all the tiles that go into our self mosaic which will be the piece to tip the table? I don't know. One thing I do know for sure, however, is that every child deserves the basics: safety, security, and the nurturing of their bodies, minds, and spirits. And if they do not naturally receive this in their own family/home setting, they deserve a community that will embrace them and be there to help at any point along the way. (A whole other blog post for the future...) This, more than anything, will determine the adults they eventually become. 

Tuesday, April 21, 2020

[Post 3 of 10]

Album 3: New York · London · Paris · Munich, by M

Sire Records, 1979

If the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack album was the first time I identified with music outside of my parents' taste, this album was the first time I experienced music that really reflected "Me". Still that disco beat, but quirky, fun, Euro-dance, electronica.* This album features the Billboard hit song, Pop Muzik. 

Adolescence is a tumultuous stage of development to be sure. Ultimately, though, it is a time of self-discovery; and music can play a key role. Not only can we distinguish ourselves from previous generations, but we distinguish ourselves from each other with the music that speaks to us individually.

And that's kinda cool! 

I don't listen to it often enough, but it remains one of my all time favorites!

*...my own, non-musician terminology ;)