Friday, March 8, 2013


I got a sinking feeling in my stomach all of a I really just a pill away from engulfing darkness? a pill away from despair and the gnawing jaws of anxiety? it is a scary thought. 

Today I heard from a friend I met in PHP last fall. It was so good to hear her voice again, because she is a wonderful person, and because I often think of her and pray she is doing well.

I pray for everyone I grew close to in my group. After all, we were emotionally tethered to each other for our very lives. In about two and a half weeks, we came to know each other on a deeper, more profound plane than I could have imagined possible for total strangers. This is because we understood each other. We understood the hollow pain, the dark voice that gnawed within, grating on our psyches, and the dire steps we were willing to take to make it all go away.

Hearing her voice again was cathartic. I was so relieved to learn that she was doing well, and I shared with her a little of my progress too.

But the conversation left me tinged with mild sadness. The gray ache in the back of my throat, almost forming a lump - knowing that my illness {like hers and that of all our group buddies} is a sleeping dragon just waiting to awake - knowing that the only thing keeping it from waking is daily diligence to our medication schedule, therapy, self-care, and personal growth...and a concerted effort to maintain the bonds of love that keep us all together. 

Tonight I am also feeling very grateful for those bonds... 

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