Wednesday, May 22, 2013


Well, I met with my therapist yesterday and my psychiatrist today; and the verdict is: 1) I must stop creating my own obstacles to wellness; and 2) I must feel the pain of fear and do it {whatever "it" is} anyway.

The biggest obstacle I've created for myself in the past month or more is having an erratic sleep pattern. This is not caused by my medication, rather by me. I take my final pill {trazodone - a poor antidepressant that works well for sleep and is non-addictive} when I finally feel ready for sleep. That might be 10:00 PM, if I'm particularly exhausted, or that might be 1:00 AM, 2:30 AM, or not at all - if I feel like lingering just a tad bit longer over the internet or reruns of The Golden Girls, Hoarders, or Ghost Hunters

I've been scared to go to sleep, quite frankly; because I'm scared to get up the next morning and face a day of people {i.e., social anxiety}. This is the other component they both said I must work on.  "Feel the fear and do it anyway." {Susan Jeffers has a book with the same title.} This is harder for me to tackle than bedtime. As an alcoholic, as with most addicts, I have a low threshold for psychological pain and will do anything, almost anything to avoid feelings of emotional distress. This includes running in the absolute opposite direction of what I am supposed to do if I am pricked by even the slightest hint of fear. 

Though I work with truly wonderful people at a great organization, conflicts arise as they do anywhere that two or more people engage in relationships. Conflicts at work are minimal, but even at that, enough to scare the bajeebies out of me. School is the same way - I am afraid of meeting new people and speaking up in class - even at my age. And commuting, well lets just say that it does nothing for my emotional outlook whatsoever!

So there you have it. Those are my obstacles; now, what am I going to do about it?


What are your obstacles? What is holding you back from living up to your highest potential? What can you do to knock down, climb over, or go around the obstacles in your path and move onward to success and happiness?

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Next Steps...

Getting out of bed was a challenge once again, but I did it. Today began summer semester; and though I felt like ditching the first class, I went. I'm glad I did. Getting out of the house and doing something has a power to it. I can't say that I feel "fixed", but I am better; and that's good enough for today.

Oh, and guess what. The class is...abnormal psychology!!

From Mel Brooks' 1974 movie, Young Frankenstein 

Monday, May 20, 2013


Step 1: Get out of bed  ü   

Step 2: Take a shower  ü   

Step 3: Get out of the house...


Feeling a little better already :)

Depression and Anxiety...again

I am definitely in the vortex again. I feel like I'm wearing an invisible suit made of lead. I haven't been able to go to work for days now. It has taken me days to even write this. I am isolating again. I am anxious - my insides are tangled in a ball like a den of venomous snakes - biting at my psyche and making me squirm.

I hate myself again. I'm mad at myself, and I hate myself.

I haven't reached out to family about this; and no, I don't think they'll be reading this - the novelty has warn off.

I'm sorry to dump this on you, dear reader. Somewhere deep down, the real me wants this in writing for future reference...I guess that means all is not lost entirely - I must have a little hope left.

How can I get myself unstuck when I just feel like hiding? How can I turn this around when I just want to sink?!