I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I can't seem to get the creative juices flowing. In an effort to try to jump start things, I'm blogging today anyway.
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Well, good things are starting to happen in my life with career and school. I may have a job, granted, as an Executive Assistant in an unrelated field, but a great job nonetheless. I've also been given some fantastic leadership opportunities in my professional association which are quite an honor.
So why do I feel so damn unworthy? Why do I feel like an undeserving fraud? Why can I not let good things come my way, let myself succeed, be grateful, and enjoy it?!
You know, I'm absolutely terrified of flying. From the airport check-in on, I feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm always certain that mine is the flight that will go down. Even though I know the safety statistics and have flown many times, I'm afraid that if I sit back, relax, and enjoy it all, that is precisely when the plane will crash. My psyche becomes a sacrificial virgin to the god of flight.
So too am I afraid that if I do become happy, successful, and enjoy life, that is precisely when it'll all hit the fan: the house fire, the death of a loved one, the fatal diagnosis, or all out nuclear war...
Will I ever just let myself be happy?
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