Sunday, April 3, 2016
The "I Don't Know What to Call It" Post for Spirit Sunday, First Edition
I do love this quote, but...
when I've been in the throws of depression, and when I was an actively using alcoholic, I felt (and sometimes still feel) like I had (have) very few talents. I felt like I didn't fit in - that the world would be better off without me, that I've been a liability to my family and a drain on my friendships, and that perhaps God* may have made a mistake letting me slip by on the assembly line.
In addition, now that I'm in recovery and six months away from turning 50, very, very often I feel like I've wasted any talent I was given and wonder if it's too late to start applying it.
I know intellectually, that this is not true. If someone else told me this about themselves, I'd say that it's nonsense and I'd do my best to help them see things more clearly.
Easier said than done, though, when these thoughts are on auto replay in your own head.
Yes, I do realize how flawed thinking like this, negative rumination, and self-deprecation cause one to spiral downward and inward and away from connection with God and Life. And I do truly believe that, just because my spiritual antenna is malfunctioning, doesn't mean God isn't broadcasting.
If only I could fix this damn antenna for good. I can't help but feel that I'm running out of time.
*For writing ease, I'll use the spiritual terminology with which I'm most familiar. I'm fully aware, however, of the diversity and breadth of human spirituality. Please replace "God", for example, with Creator, Allah, Hashem, Great Spirit, Universal Power, etc. as suits your philosophy or beliefs. :)