Pink Hi-Tops

I recently had a request from a reader (thanks Erin!) about why hi-tops and why pink? Well here's why:

In august 2012, I was diagnosed with major depression. I was also diagnosed with dysthymia {long-term, low-grade depression} and anxiety disorder. In September of that year, I checked into partial hospitalization mental health care, and was fortunate enough to have been treated by very caring and enlightened doctors. Since then, I have been emerging from the grey veil of depression and anxiety that shrouded my self-awareness for almost four decades. {I’m 47 now.}

This blog is a chronicle of my continuous recovery and progress toward achieving my goals. With it, I hope to inspire and inform those suffering from depression, anxiety, and addiction with personal stories, resources, and a little humor!

The blog title is inspired by my favorite pair of Converse Chuck Taylor's that I wore when I last felt my happiest and freest. 

"Pink" is the color of those original hi-tops. When I was depressed (before treatment), I tended to wear only to blacks, whites, and greys in my clothing color choices. Now I find I love different colors - especially pink. Pink represents innocence, fun, and lightheartedness - something that I am now experiencing in recovery.

The "Adventures" part of the title is the part of the blog in which I will chronicle my new adventures with a recovering brain. I haven't done a lot of that yet. Most of this blog has been a record of my daily ups and downs in recovery and a little psycho-education; but I think I'd like to share some of my life experiences (adventures) in recovery as well. Look for it in the coming weeks.

So that is it. The why of the title, pink hi-top adventures! 


If you have any ideas for posts that you would like to see, feel free to post them here on the blog or on the Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Pink-Hi-Top-Adventures/411429458973219?ref=hl), or email me at pink.hi.tops@gmail.com.

Planning My Way Back

Getting a late start today. Didn't sleep well last night. I am feeling better physically, just really, really tired. 

Having been sick these past few days, I have gotten behind in so much and I'm feeling overwhelmed. I have so much school work and house work to do that I don't know where to begin. 

I think maybe the first place to start is my planner. Getting it onto paper and starting with the first thing on the list. 

Yeah, that's it. I may not be able to do it all today, but I can do a lot if I just get started. 

Alright. Thank you listening to me as I think this out.

Wishing you a happy, well-planned and well-lived day!

Sick Thoughts

You know, I think much of what I have been feeling has been due to illness. I have been sick off and on since last Thursday, and today I seem to have had a relapse.

Never underestimate the mind-body connection. Sometimes irritability and low mood are due to somatic illness and not necessarily depression. 

Just wanted to share that with you. Now, off to bed.

Soap Box du Jour

All day long I've been on the brink of crying. I don't know why. I'm also ridiculously irritable. I'm also astounded at the cost of my medication and the bureaucracy and ignorance of insurance companies. 

I just paid $798.18 as a co-pay on one month's supply of Abilify; and I paid $115.49 for one month of Lamictal which is 100% of its cost. Why they won't approve Lamictal for me at $115.49 a bottle, but will approve Ability at $978 a bottle, I'll never know. 

Why is it that the insurance company is the one that dictates which meds are appropriate? Medication choice should be determined by the doctor with some input from the patient - not by some guy in a cubicle farm, wielding the Manual of Insurance-Acceptable Treatments which is updated each year by a "committee" consisting of one doctor and 19 accountants....

THAT is what is wrong with U.S. health care. It's run by companies that are "for profit", not "for patient". Although in the case of my insurance company, I'm not sure what they're thinking. They're operating at a loss with me. It looks like I'll be reaching my deductible very shortly...and then they'll have to pay $978 a month. Good!

Changing Meds...Again

It was a bad week for me overall. With the exception of that brief feeling of hope while waiting for psych class to start on Tuesday, I was not mentally well. The grey veil of depression began to creep back AND for the first time in months, amorphous anxiety hung in the air around me. 

I skipped one class because of it. Two others were cancelled by the professor, otherwise I may have skipped more. I spent several days sleeping on the couch all day long; and I had vivid dreams all night every night - waking up after each one.

Fortunately, I already had an appointment scheduled with my psychiatrist, and I met with him yesterday. He has put me back on one of the meds that he took off my regimen the last time we met. He said it's possible it was doing more for me than he thought. So we'll see.

I do feel a little better today. It's probably premature to say it's because of the meds I took last night, rather I think it's because my stomach bug seems to have subsided. (I wasn't feeling well physically yesterday afternoon either.)

I wonder if this is how it is going to be for the rest of my life.

Change

Sitting here waiting for my class to begin. 

I know we are not out of the winter woods yet, but today I felt the first inkling of spring's approach. The temp rose into the 50s (deg. F), and it stirred in me feelings of change.

There is something about a change in seasons that calls forth in me a change in self - or at least reflections of change. That's what I'm thinking about now as I wait.

The Next Day

Well, just to follow-up from yesterday, I did what I said I would do. I laid off the caffeine and got to bed by 10:00, getting a full night's sleep - and voila! I'm feeling much better today!

Is it just me? Is it just my diseased brain that is so dang sensitive to caffeine, food, and sleep, or do "normal" people experience it too? Maybe "normal" people do too on a less intense level, I don't know. It doesn't matter. The point is, I chose my response to the stimulus and did what I had to do to feel better. 

Now to do it again, and again, and again...