Saturday, February 15, 2014

Back Slide

The vortex snuck up on my today and sucked me in. I felt so overwhelmed by just living. An amorphous fear hung in the air around me, and I saw no way out. All I could do was nap.

There seems to be no happy medium with me between happiness and depression and anxiety. Either I am totally on or I am catastrophically off. I don't know what it is like to just be having a bad day in the regular sense of the word. 

I've also been worried about my career choice lately. As you may or may not know, I have gone back to college to study psychology and addiction counseling with the intent of helping others as I have been helped. I am worried, however, that I will fail at it. And, if I can't even get myself together, how in the world will I ever help anyone else?

I feel so inadequate - in everything. I feel like a lousy mother, wife, and friend. I feel inept and incompetent as a student, and I feel like a farce as president of my student organization. I am worried about the future and paralyzed by the present.

These feelings only came over me in the past two days. Coincidentally, I have been reckless with self-care in the past week - eating a high sugar, high caffeine diet and getting little sleep. Is it possible that this is the cause? Can I really afford no slips in my habits? Does this happen to anyone else?

So, now what am I going to do about it?

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