Friday, March 4, 2016

Paradigm Shift

I'm sorry. I've been such a crappy blogger for the past several months. Much of my time and attention have been focused on a few big, big, BIG life stressors...

that and I'm 49.47.

I've not been handling well at all the looming close of the first half-century of my life. Yes, it's a mid-life crisis, and it's at a thermonuclear level right now - particularly as someone prone to depression and anxiety. 

I'm obsessing over it. I'm adding up my successes, failures, and remaining goals and subtracting them from the time I have left and I'm beginning to panic. I go back and forth in my head about whether I'm just a mediocre person who's wasted a lot of time, energy, and talent or a person who's lived a decent and very, very interesting life with a lot of good stories to tell.

Faded Giant -
I'm also caving in to vanity and depressing myself over the physical fading of my youth. Yeah, yeah. I know. "Beauty is on the inside", but it sure doesn't feel like that now - especially as one married to a hot, hot, HOT, slightly younger man. {Sorry, G, I had to call you out. ;) }

And my body is changing. My knees sound like velcro when bending or climbing the stairs. My back often hurts from heavy lifting - like putting a box of pasta on the top shelf. And I now have insomnia - probably exacerbated by the depression and worry.

At the end of the month, my youngest will turn 18 and will graduate from high school in June. This September, for the first time since 1992, I will not be going to any back-to-school nights, nor will I be filling out endless emergency contact and other school forms. {Hey...that's not so bad!} I obsess all the time about the "should haves" when I think about parenting opportunities missed and how quickly they grew up. {I forget, of course, that I'm still a mother and, God willing, will have plenty more opportunities in the coming decades to grow with them and share simple moments and bold adventures.}


Well, that said, today I awoke with a slight paradigm shift. I recalled a sign that was posted in one of the offices in which I worked several years back. It said:

At the time, I cynically saw it as just another cliché  motivation poster; but as the words replayed in my head this morning, they struck a chord.

My attitude has been...oh I don't know...shitty. I've been spending too much time brooding over the past and dreading the future all the while abandoning the wildly dynamic and beautiful present that I'm fortunate enough to be in right now. 

So, with the aging thing, though I'll have my ups and downs, I'll navigate the journey as best I can. I'll take a timeout each day to course correct my attitude. I'm going to move forward savoring each day and each person. And I'm going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and take one day at a time.


Anonymous said...

At 50 I decided to live with more lightness in my being...."take my life less seriously-it's only life after all" and live by the Buddhist saying, "If you light a lamp for someone, it will also brighten your own path."

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing!!!!
I reached 50 in November and with two in college and one going to high school next year I am using my mid-life to be more mindful.
My new live by the Buddhist saying, "If you light a lamp for someone it will also brighten your path."
My goal is to be more mindful
and to bring joy to others any way I can-
a simple smile, a hello, a simple card for someone who is sick or lonely or in pain or happy.....

pink.hi-tops said...

Great advice!