What's in a Number?

I'm back at it again. I've abandoned the idea of waiting for my blog's update and improvements to be complete before writing. I apparently love blogging. I love writing. It's very therapeutic for me.

Since last I posted, I've been navigating the stormy seas of the spirit, and am in the throws of an existential crisis. I'm 49, teetering dangerously close to the edge of 50's deep, dark, rocky chasm. 

Why do we get so hung up on the number of times we've journeyed around the sun?

Yes, it provides an estimate on quality of life and time left, but clearly it's not perfect. There are young people who leave us far too soon and there are many others who live over a century. It's said, "Age is a state of mind", "40 is the new 30; 50 is the new 40..."; but I can't seem to let go of the notion that time is running out for me. Lately, these are the questions swarming around my head:

• Can I really start a new career in my 6th decade?
• Will I ever be able to get out of (bad) debt?
• Will I ever be able to move to a bigger house?
• Will I ever move out west - Arizona or Colorado? Or am I cemented here because of myriad commitments and relationships?
• Will I ever be able to complete my bucket list? Will I have enough money? Will I have enough time??!
• And as a woman, what is becoming of me physically? Yeah, I know. Beauty is only skin deep; and inner beauty will (hopefully) shine brighter everyday. Fine. Tell that to men...and society. Although, why should I care? I shouldn't. I know...but I do...at least for now.

[Addendum: The last bullet point in particular is very egocentric. I don't apply the same rules to others that I apply to myself. When I see almost all other women who are approaching or over 50, I easily see their attractiveness and beauty - both inside and out. I see the power, strength, wisdom, and self-assuredness that comes with age (and strikingly absent from youth). Depressed thinking is very myopic indeed. I'm keenly aware of this, but it's less scary to just roll up like a burrito in my blanket of self-imposed rules and self-loathing and burrow under my emotional rock.]

Yes. Yes. This is a mid-life crisis, and I hope to emerge from it one day self-assured, strong, and better than ever. Eh...

For now, just wallowing. 

:(

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On the lighter side of things...

College classes began for me today. Excited to get back at it!

My College Planner - Fall 2016 (#filofax) 
pink-hi-top-adventures.blogspot.com, 2016

Paradigm Shift

I'm sorry. I've been such a crappy blogger for the past several months. Much of my time and attention have been focused on a few big, big, BIG life stressors...

that and I'm 49.47.


I've not been handling well at all the looming close of the first half-century of my life. Yes, it's a mid-life crisis, and it's at a thermonuclear level right now - particularly as someone prone to depression and anxiety. 

I'm obsessing over it. I'm adding up my successes, failures, and remaining goals and subtracting them from the time I have left and I'm beginning to panic. I go back and forth in my head about whether I'm just a mediocre person who's wasted a lot of time, energy, and talent or a person who's lived a decent and very, very interesting life with a lot of good stories to tell.

Faded Giant - https://www.facebook.com/fadedgiantmusic/

I'm also caving in to vanity and depressing myself over the physical fading of my youth. Yeah, yeah. I know. "Beauty is on the inside", but it sure doesn't feel like that now - especially as one married to a hot, hot, HOT, slightly younger man. {Sorry, G, I had to call you out. ;) }

And my body is changing. My knees sound like velcro when bending or climbing the stairs. My back often hurts from heavy lifting - like putting a box of pasta on the top shelf. And I now have insomnia - probably exacerbated by the depression and worry.

At the end of the month, my youngest will turn 18 and will graduate from high school in June. This September, for the first time since 1992, I will not be going to any back-to-school nights, nor will I be filling out endless emergency contact and other school forms. {Hey...that's not so bad!} I obsess all the time about the "should haves" when I think about parenting opportunities missed and how quickly they grew up. {I forget, of course, that I'm still a mother and, God willing, will have plenty more opportunities in the coming decades to grow with them and share simple moments and bold adventures.}

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Well, that said, today I awoke with a slight paradigm shift. I recalled a sign that was posted in one of the offices in which I worked several years back. It said:

At the time, I cynically saw it as just another cliché  motivation poster; but as the words replayed in my head this morning, they struck a chord.

My attitude has been...oh I don't know...shitty. I've been spending too much time brooding over the past and dreading the future all the while abandoning the wildly dynamic and beautiful present that I'm fortunate enough to be in right now. 

So, with the aging thing, though I'll have my ups and downs, I'll navigate the journey as best I can. I'll take a timeout each day to course correct my attitude. I'm going to move forward savoring each day and each person. And I'm going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and take one day at a time.