Saturday, March 30, 2013


Spring is the time in the northern hemisphere for celebrating rebirth of what appeared to be dead. Crocuses, daffodils, and tulips sprout up through the soil, buds appear on trees, and flowers start blooming. Tomorrow, Christians all over the world will celebrate the resurrection of Christ from the dead as well.

Bulbs I planted last Thanksgiving (2012)
 in gratitude for my own resurrection
At the beginning of 2012, I thought I wasn't going to survive the year - literally - and not because of some ridiculous prophecy allegedly coming at the winter solstice. I was dying. I was becoming more and more hollow inside every day; and by September, I was ready to die. You know the rest of the story {from previous blog posts}. 

This Easter, however, I am grateful {and amazed!} to be alive - to be given the opportunity to live. 

Dear Reader: Please remember when you are suffering that you are not alone. If nothing else, hang on tightly to the thought that there is hope, light, and life on the other side of darkness; and don't let go of that thought until the storm subsides.  

Sending you hugs, positive thoughts, and prayers this Easter,


Thursday, March 28, 2013

Some days...

...ain't it the truth! This does not change with medication. I'm exhausted, my left eye is swollen and my nose stuffed up from allergies, my arthritic knee is hurting...and the rest of my family is home today. I just don't feel like going to work...

...but I'm going.  

Is there something you need to do today that you just don't feel like doing? Is there something that you need to do that scares you perhaps? Some commitment that you know, in honoring it, will make you a better person at the end of the day? Then do it - just do it.

Growth and strength come from all the little decisions like these that we make every day of our lives, accumulated over time. Do that thing that pains you {as long as it is congruent with your values and goals, of course}; and know that I'm with you - at least in spirit!

Wishing you a courageous day!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Depression is Not a Character Defect

I still struggle at times with the notion that depression, anxiety, and chemical addiction are physical diseases, and not just character defects. Recently, I had been doubting the disease model yet again, and was beating myself up about it. I suppose, though, this is part of denial -  a normal step in the course of change {more on that in another blog}. 

Then, it hit me: I know that what I have is a physical illness and that medication does in fact work for me because of the difference in my cognition / thinking when I am taking medication. 

Here's the supporting evidence:
  1. The incessant cycling of negative thoughts has stopped. It is not that I have no negative thoughts, sadness, or anger - that would not be normal - it's just that I don't dwell on these indefinitely.
  2. I like things again. No really, I'm serious. For at least two decades, not much appealed to me. I would do the things I know I should like, but everything at the banquet of life tasted like cardboard - the world was flat. I knew, for example, that horses, tennis, and time with family and friends should generate feelings of joy in me, but it was all....meh...take it or leave it...bland...grey - and at times even irritating.
  3. Color, color, C O L O R has returned to my life. Once again, I enjoy colors in objects, nature, and furnishings. My clothes, for example, have gone from neutrals to vibrant blues, purples, greens, and...P I N K. {I still adore black too!}
  4. I look forward to things. Yes, believe it or not, if nothing is scheduled on the horizon, I have actually created dates and outings in the past two months! I have reached out to female friends. This is the first time in a long is the first time that I have ever done this! 
The fact that taking a physical pill does affect change in my thoughts and subsequent behaviors, speaks of a physical, underlying disease capable of responding to medication. And lest anyone confuse psychoactive prescription medication for opiates, let me underscore: the medication does not make me feel fantastic all the time. These are not "happy pills". The meds just simply permit me to feel the normal range of feelings that the average person is capable of feeling. They free me to be Me; and for that, I am truly grateful!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Remember Who You Are

When I awoke this morning, my head was swirling with thoughts: It's 8:00. I only have 10 hours to get my paper done;I feel guilty about missing work yesterday; I have so much to do at work...and at home...

Then, as I was making coffee in the kitchen, I looked out the window, and heard that still, quiet voice within: Remember Who You Are. Remember that you are special and unique to this world and a part of a much larger reality than that of the worrisome little microcosm in your head now.

Struggles will always be there; it's the price of entry to this world. But life is also filled with beauty, joy, and adventure - if you turn your attention there. How you respond to both the good and the bad will determine the trajectory and the quality of your journey. 

Dear reader: Please remember that you are unique and precious - a droplet sparkling like a diamond in the sun's light. There is no other like you in the entire universe, and there never will be! It is your right and your duty to live fully and to reflect the Light!