Saturday, February 22, 2014

Changing Meds...Again

It was a bad week for me overall. With the exception of that brief feeling of hope while waiting for psych class to start on Tuesday, I was not mentally well. The grey veil of depression began to creep back AND for the first time in months, amorphous anxiety hung in the air around me. 

I skipped one class because of it. Two others were cancelled by the professor, otherwise I may have skipped more. I spent several days sleeping on the couch all day long; and I had vivid dreams all night every night - waking up after each one.

Fortunately, I already had an appointment scheduled with my psychiatrist, and I met with him yesterday. He has put me back on one of the meds that he took off my regimen the last time we met. He said it's possible it was doing more for me than he thought. So we'll see.

I do feel a little better today. It's probably premature to say it's because of the meds I took last night, rather I think it's because my stomach bug seems to have subsided. (I wasn't feeling well physically yesterday afternoon either.)

I wonder if this is how it is going to be for the rest of my life.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014


Sitting here waiting for my class to begin. 

I know we are not out of the winter woods yet, but today I felt the first inkling of spring's approach. The temp rose into the 50s (deg. F), and it stirred in me feelings of change.

There is something about a change in seasons that calls forth in me a change in self - or at least reflections of change. That's what I'm thinking about now as I wait.

Monday, February 17, 2014

The Next Day

Well, just to follow-up from yesterday, I did what I said I would do. I laid off the caffeine and got to bed by 10:00, getting a full night's sleep - and voila! I'm feeling much better today!

Is it just me? Is it just my diseased brain that is so dang sensitive to caffeine, food, and sleep, or do "normal" people experience it too? Maybe "normal" people do too on a less intense level, I don't know. It doesn't matter. The point is, I chose my response to the stimulus and did what I had to do to feel better. 

Now to do it again, and again, and again...

Sunday, February 16, 2014

The Space Between

I'm still struggling. I spent most of the day today curled up on the couch again, waiting to feel better. Needless to say, it didn't work - I only feel worse. I really should heed my own advice, though, on Habit 1: Be Proactive and Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind.

Okay, so how do I apply them? How do I get myself back on track again using Habits 1 and 2? Well, the vision I have for myself is of mental health and vitality (Habit 2). I also know that there is a space between the current stimulus (this empty, gnawing feeling of dread and fear) and my response to it. In that space, I have the freedom to choose my response (Habit 1). I can either curl up in the Vortex or do something to encourage mental health. Though I know the latter is the correct response, it feels painful. I must do it, though, in order to see my vision come to fruition. The other option is not acceptable and will cause me to spiral down further.

Okay, so what am I going to do right now? Later? I am going to get a large glass of water (not coffee) and I am going to read some of my textbooks. At 8:00, I am going to take my meds; and at 10:00, I am going to get into bed and get a normal night's sleep.

I am going to try this tonight and regroup in the morning with a new plan to stay on track tomorrow. 

I feel like a robot, breaking down the simplest of actions into logical little steps. Why do I over-complicate things? Why does it take such a herculean effort sometimes to make the simplest things happen? Anyway, I'll work my little plan, and we'll see what comes of it. 

I just want to cry...