The Anonymous People

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) declared September 2014 to be Recovery Month. In honor of this, the club (of which I'm president ;) ), the Virginia Association of Addiction Professionals (VAAP) Student Chapter presented a screening of the documentary The Anonymous People followed by a panel discussion. 

The film is about the Catch 22 of recovery: to protect recovering people from the hurtful stigma attached to addiction, it is important to maintain anonymity; however, anonymity perpetuates the stigma!  

The movie presents the new, or rather, revived movement of people coming out openly and calling out addiction for the disease it is. It suggests we follow the example of HIV-AIDS patients who came out as a united front in the late 80s / early 90s and smashed the myths about their disease with honesty and openness. Just as they declared, "Silence = Death", it is important for addicts to educate the public openly and unite against the stigmas that prevent millions from getting help.

This is one of the reasons I blog about my addiction, as well as my mental illness: to shine light on the darkness, to help those suffering feel less alone, and to encourage others to speak their truth as well.

If you are an addict, someone suffering from mental illness, a family member or friend, or just someone interested in positive change, the film is a must see! It is available to rent or own on Amazon Instant Video. Check it out!

The Dragon

It has been almost eight years (November 18) since I took my last drink of alcohol; and still, to this day I occasionally have a craving for it or have some crazy dream about it.

Last night, I dreamed that I was at a party at my house where everyone was boozing it up. Feeling put out that no one respected my addiction and the need for an alcohol-free home, I became disgruntled. At some point, I snuck myself a glass of red wine {my old lover}, and thought, "That didn't hurt me. Maybe just one more." By the third glass, I had a buzz and then the remorse set in. I began to cry because I thought I'd have to start my AA coin collecting all over again with a 24-hour coin instead of an 8-year coin next month.

In fact, the dream felt so real, I awoke this morning worried that I had actually drank. I felt relief when I realized that I hadn't; and yet, still...somewhere deep, deep, deep down inside, there was still this desire - an insatiable dragon of craving and need - a cavernous mouth that just wants one more drink...just one more drink...

It's times like this when I know I need an AA meeting. I need to hear the war stories of former bar-flies, house fraus, Hell's Angels, college kids, CEOs, et al (all of whom are my kindred spirits) to remember why it is I cannot have "just one more drink".  

"Let Go, Let God"

"How can you say to your brother, '...let me remove that splinter in your eye,' when you do not even notice 

the wooden beam in you own eye?" 

- Jesus of Nazareth, Luke 6:42

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The above verse is about hypocracy, and it is also about control. I know that investing all my energy on the splinter in my brother's eye is ineffective, but when you love someone it is so hard not to obsess on the loved one's problems. I struggle with this a lot lately. It is very hard to let go when you love someone - when you know the bridge ahead is out, and you see the train roaring down the track headed straight for it. 

But truth be told, letting go is where God / the universe operates. Alcoholics Anonymous has a saying for this, "Let Go, Let God." 

This is my focus for the week: to invest my time and energy on the things I can control, and to let go of the need to control outcomes and the desire to control others.

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Dear, God:

Please help me focus my efforts on my own "beam" today; and while I'm doing it, please help those I love with their problems. Use me if you need me, but help me let it go if you don't.

Love, Karen