Do the Next Right Thing - Part II

You must do the thing you think you cannot do. 

                                                              - Eleanor Roosevelt

I don't know why I expect otherwise. I forget that less than a year ago, I wanted to end my life; how, can I possibly expect perfection in recovery.

I have been struggling to keep it together lately, but I hadn't really connected the dots until today: the difficulty with sleep; the lack self care (e.g., not showering in past five days); the rut in school accompanied by self-defeating, ruminating thoughts - I am beginning to spiral back down into the vortex.

I feel stuck again today - trapped in an invisible straight jacket. I know what I need to do to get back on track, and yet, here I sit - paralyzed by fear.

On the other hand, it's not over. This moment contains power, if I let it. All I have to do is choose the right thing...right now. What is the right thing? Log off this computer, retreat to my desk, log back on, and tackle my final assignments of the semester. 

Come on, Karen, you can do it. You can do it...let's go...come on...

Crikey, this is hard...okay, do the right thing, do the right thing, do the right

can't sleep...

4:09 AM EDT

i cannot sleep. I fell asleep last night before taking one of my anti-depressants - the one that also assists with REM sleep - and I had a grande Pike {Starbucks} at 6:30 PM. i had to get up to go to the bathroom - which is becoming an almost nightly ritual given the amount of water I drink before bed just to avoid the kind of cotton mouth that turns my tongue into a dessicated shellfish at low tide.

so after returning to bed, i could not fall back to sleep. my mind started swimming: "i'm behind in school - with only two and a half weeks left of the semester!", "my house is in dissarray!", "i have to eat well...i have to feed my family better...", "kim jong un and the Taliban of Afghanistan are holding the rest of the world back from progress and they must be eliminated"...you know, the usual mental musings of 4 AM.

okay, let's back up before kim jong un-stable and the Taliban leaders losers...

here i am again. behind in everything. and yet, I know I am fully capableof doing what I need to do. others who have it far worse in life are able to rise to the occasion, overcome their predicaments, and succeed - why is it so damn difficult for me?! why do i create so many obstacles for myself?

my stomach is in knots about how far behind i am in school, in housework, in physical fitness, etc. and what a steep climb it is to get myself unstuck and back on track. i just don'tknow how i'm gonna do it!!

sorry to be less than illuminating...after all it is now just 4:43 am.

Inspiration of the Week

Haven't written regularly in awhile - still in a bit of a rut, but working to dig myself out. The quote above is so right - one must do the work before the universe sides with you to achieve your goals. Lord, why is this so hard for me to learn - especially in my personal life!?

Well, this is my mantra of the week. I'm going to see what I can actually accomplish in one week if I truly focus my efforts on the one thing I can control - me, my thoughts, and my actions.

Peace

I am saddened, as we all are, about the tragedy this week in Boston; and my thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their families. 

A friend reminded me of this prayer, and I thought I'd share it with you:

Let us all be instruments of peace.

Next Right Thing #1

As I mentioned in Sunday night's blog, I am struggling to keep up in school this semester. Maybe it was too soon to return after coming off of disability for major depression and anxiety disorder. Maybe, but I wonder too if it isn't something else.

You see, succeeding in school would mean graduating; and graduating would mean transferring to an even bigger academic program at a bigger university; and graduating from there would mean...becoming a professional in my intended field. So why should that scare and intimidate me so? That's what I want, isn't it? Or is it?

Completing all my degrees would mean that there are no more obstacles between me and my profession. It would mean, "Show time!" It would mean that I finally arrived and that if I fail at what I do, it counts, it really counts. It would mean that I am saying to the world this is me, this is who I am, and if I failed to meet up to expectations, I would be exposed to big criticism and really would be a failure. You see, if you fail on the journey to the destination, it isn't failure, just a set-back. But when you are in the profession - when you've arrived - you better put up or shut up...and I am so afraid of failing "on stage."

Does any of this make sense to you?

I am scared, but my rational mind {all of two neurons dedicated to reasoning, that ordinarily chill out in my head until randomly called to duty at times like this}...yes, my rational mind tells me that this is crazy talk and I simply must forge ahead and trust that I will be able to handle the challenges along the way and in my profession.

So do I cave in to fear, yet again, or do I trust that the path will unfold before me? What is the next right thing to do?

Do the Next Right Thing

Cool little magnet thing my sister-in-law gave me

Kind of in a rut again - just in a funk overall. It's Sunday night; and though it was a beautiful day when we went downtown to see them play, my MLB home team lost 9-0 to a big rival. 

I guess it's not just that, though. I haven't been able to blog in days either. I'm behind again in school, and as my husband pointed out this evening, I seem to be slipping back into Vortex behaviors - mindless TV and internet, on the couch all day {except, of course, for time spent at the travesty of a game}. 

I'm so tired, tired, tired! Not getting enough sleep. It's 9:48 PM EDT; and I know I should get to bed, but I feel like I need to achieve just one bloody thing today, or I will remain in my funk. Thus, I suppose, I am finally blogging again.

What to do to un-funk? If there is anything I learned in recovery, it's this: no pain, no gain. You cannot run from unpleasant things, you must face them head on. You must do the right thing in each moment. In fact, that's what Alcoholics Anonymous says, "Do the next right thing." 

So the question to ask each moment of this week: what is the next right thing to do? 

Courage

I have had trouble in the past few weeks attending to the little things. I love school, but I have found studying impossible. I thought perhaps it was that squirrely little dysthymia trying to crawl back into bed with me; but truthfully, I think it was a function of being sick and of sleep deprivation.

In moments like that, though - moments where I am just plain stuck - sometimes all I can do is "try again tomorrow". Well tomorrow is here. I had a full night's sleep. Let's see what we can do with this day that God gave us!

Hope you have a wonderful day! And if you are feeling at all stuck, just hit the reset button, and try again. ;)