Changing Meds...Again

It was a bad week for me overall. With the exception of that brief feeling of hope while waiting for psych class to start on Tuesday, I was not mentally well. The grey veil of depression began to creep back AND for the first time in months, amorphous anxiety hung in the air around me. 

I skipped one class because of it. Two others were cancelled by the professor, otherwise I may have skipped more. I spent several days sleeping on the couch all day long; and I had vivid dreams all night every night - waking up after each one.

Fortunately, I already had an appointment scheduled with my psychiatrist, and I met with him yesterday. He has put me back on one of the meds that he took off my regimen the last time we met. He said it's possible it was doing more for me than he thought. So we'll see.

I do feel a little better today. It's probably premature to say it's because of the meds I took last night, rather I think it's because my stomach bug seems to have subsided. (I wasn't feeling well physically yesterday afternoon either.)

I wonder if this is how it is going to be for the rest of my life.

Change

Sitting here waiting for my class to begin. 

I know we are not out of the winter woods yet, but today I felt the first inkling of spring's approach. The temp rose into the 50s (deg. F), and it stirred in me feelings of change.

There is something about a change in seasons that calls forth in me a change in self - or at least reflections of change. That's what I'm thinking about now as I wait.

The Next Day

Well, just to follow-up from yesterday, I did what I said I would do. I laid off the caffeine and got to bed by 10:00, getting a full night's sleep - and voila! I'm feeling much better today!

Is it just me? Is it just my diseased brain that is so dang sensitive to caffeine, food, and sleep, or do "normal" people experience it too? Maybe "normal" people do too on a less intense level, I don't know. It doesn't matter. The point is, I chose my response to the stimulus and did what I had to do to feel better. 

Now to do it again, and again, and again...

The Space Between

I'm still struggling. I spent most of the day today curled up on the couch again, waiting to feel better. Needless to say, it didn't work - I only feel worse. I really should heed my own advice, though, on Habit 1: Be Proactive and Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind.

Okay, so how do I apply them? How do I get myself back on track again using Habits 1 and 2? Well, the vision I have for myself is of mental health and vitality (Habit 2). I also know that there is a space between the current stimulus (this empty, gnawing feeling of dread and fear) and my response to it. In that space, I have the freedom to choose my response (Habit 1). I can either curl up in the Vortex or do something to encourage mental health. Though I know the latter is the correct response, it feels painful. I must do it, though, in order to see my vision come to fruition. The other option is not acceptable and will cause me to spiral down further.

Okay, so what am I going to do right now? Later? I am going to get a large glass of water (not coffee) and I am going to read some of my textbooks. At 8:00, I am going to take my meds; and at 10:00, I am going to get into bed and get a normal night's sleep.

I am going to try this tonight and regroup in the morning with a new plan to stay on track tomorrow. 

I feel like a robot, breaking down the simplest of actions into logical little steps. Why do I over-complicate things? Why does it take such a herculean effort sometimes to make the simplest things happen? Anyway, I'll work my little plan, and we'll see what comes of it. 

I just want to cry...

Back Slide

The vortex snuck up on my today and sucked me in. I felt so overwhelmed by just living. An amorphous fear hung in the air around me, and I saw no way out. All I could do was nap.

There seems to be no happy medium with me between happiness and depression and anxiety. Either I am totally on or I am catastrophically off. I don't know what it is like to just be having a bad day in the regular sense of the word. 

I've also been worried about my career choice lately. As you may or may not know, I have gone back to college to study psychology and addiction counseling with the intent of helping others as I have been helped. I am worried, however, that I will fail at it. And, if I can't even get myself together, how in the world will I ever help anyone else?

I feel so inadequate - in everything. I feel like a lousy mother, wife, and friend. I feel inept and incompetent as a student, and I feel like a farce as president of my student organization. I am worried about the future and paralyzed by the present.

These feelings only came over me in the past two days. Coincidentally, I have been reckless with self-care in the past week - eating a high sugar, high caffeine diet and getting little sleep. Is it possible that this is the cause? Can I really afford no slips in my habits? Does this happen to anyone else?

So, now what am I going to do about it?

The 7 Habits of Mental Wellness: Habit 2 - Begin with the End in Mind

This is the second article in the series: The 7 Habits of Mental Health Recovery - based on the late Stephen R. Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. See "The 7 Habits of Mental Wellness" for the introduction to this series, as well as "Habit 1".

Habit 2 is Begin with the End in Mind. It is the habit of vision. As with Habit 1, before I go into how it relates to mental health, let me give you a little background on Habit 2 from the late Stephen R. Covey. 

HABIT OF LEADERSHIP

According to Covey, "to begin with the end in mind means to start with a clear understanding of your destination. It means to know where you're going so that you better understand where you are now and so that the steps you take are always in the right direction." He adds that Habit 2 is the habit of leadership - of deliberately forging a direction rather than just mindlessly wandering along.

Covey said that "all things are created twice" first in the head, then in reality. First, we have a vision of what we want and then the vision becomes that which we act upon to attain the desired outcome.

He taught that we create our destination either deliberately, or by default. We choose our own vision and act accordingly to achieve it, or we let life happen to us even if we don't like where it's heading. Either way, we have created the outcome.

VISION

One exercise Covey suggests for beginning with the end in mind is to envision your 80th birthday. All of the important people from the various roles in your life are there: your family, friends, colleagues, associates in the community, etc. What do you want each of them to say about you? This is a starting point for your vision in each of your roles.

MISSION STATEMENT

After deep, thoughtful visioning of how we want our lives to be, how we want to be, and of determining our core values, we condense it into a map - an overarching theme that will guide our actions and goals. This road map is called a personal mission statement. 

APPLICATION

When one is suffering from mental illness, however, creating a mission and vision for oneself may seem one of the most impossible of tasks - but one that could mean the difference between life and death.  When I was at the end of my rope, my vision of the future was very limited and very dark. I saw no possibility, and my choices and chances seemed to grow more limited by the day. Finally, I reached a point were the only vision I had was that of an end to the pain of living.

Somewhere deep inside, however, a molecular-sized part of me did still cling to a faint vision that life could be different, and it was through this tiny vision that I was finally able to let go and ask for help. (Also where Habit 1 played a role.) Even though I had no hope, I had to let go of what little control I had left, and trust that even though I was in a dark, dark place with seemingly no way out, others (i.e., mental health care professionals) had a map to wellness and could help get me back on the road to a much better destination.

As I said before, to a mentally ill person, this may seem an impossible task - coming up with a vision for yourself, let alone crafting a written mission statement. But in the tiny act of letting go and trusting that there is a positive vision out there somewhere - even if we can't see it yet - we begin to act on that vision and create a better world for ourselves. 

With the help of mental health professionals, you will begin to create that vision. It will start as a Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP), which details the daily steps you need to take to cope with your illness and climb out of the abyss. For now, this becomes your map, your vision, your mission. Then, as you begin to recover and reach for higher ground, you can delve into the personal work of creating your 80th birthday vision of your life, and eventually craft a personal mission statement which can become your guide to long-term mental health.

RESOURCES

If you cannot see any possibilities for your future, and death seems the only way out, please contact your health care provider, mental health professional, hospital, or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org or 1.800.273.8255.

If you want to see a sample of a WRAP, email me at pink.hi.tops@gmail.com.

For guidance on crafting a mission statement, see FranklinCovey.com for a Mission Statement Builder  and other resources.

Friday Funk

Happy Friday all!

I am so tired today. I put whole beans in the paper basket of my coffee maker and wondered why it came out all watery...

It's cause I'm not sleeping right - violating all the rules. Going to bed whenever; falling asleep in a crumpled heap on a couch that is a foot and a half too short; sleeping with the light on because I'm too tired to turn it off; sleeping with the TV on...all night. It's no good!

And now I'm in a funk! The Vortex is looking more attractive, while only last week, I was doing so well! Gotta re-group today and get back on track.