Saturday, June 29, 2013

Sweet Dreams!

Last night, before 1:00 AM...I baked six chocolate chip cookies and ate them all. This after a day of pumpkin bread, an ice cream sundae, a Clark candy bar, and, between heart palpitations, copious amounts of caffeinated coffee.

Needless to say my dreams were off-the-chain wild. My REM brain was filled with images of tornadoes, planes flying under bridges, and flying saucers commanded by aliens who on a loud speaker as they buzzed by me announced they were going to "morgramate" mankind for our evils.

Upon rising this morning, I was less than a dainty flower ready to spring forth into the sunshine.

Let me be very clear about this...sugar is evil. And sugar in the hands of an addict with depression and anxiety disorder is nothing short of thermonuclear! 

I am exhausted... 

This behavior yesterday was not an anomaly. I've been pulling a lot of this crap over the past few months; and, according to the bloody Wii, I have gained 25 pounds since January!


Dear reader,

You are my witness. I have hit my physical fitness bottom. I am committing to you {and even to you, dear husband, who I know is reading this}, that I will exercise five times a week, wean off of the simple sugars and caffeine, and lose the 25 pounds by January 1, 2014. 

Here is my starting weight:

Dear friend who suggested that we exercise together,

Sounds like a plan! 

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Change Is Possible: Part II

And speaking of change...

it is nothing short of miraculous how my life has taken a quantum leap in the past nine months! Back in September, I was straddling the edge of the Vortex, staring into the black abyss, and ready to jump. Now, I am beginning to live the life I was born to live. So what exactly has changed from there to here? Let's see:
  1. First and foremost, I don't want to die; I actually want to live and look forward to it!
  2. I don't hate myself anymore. I me!
  3. My "ADD" symptoms seem to have disappeared following treatment for anxiety and depression. I can focus my mind, and the constant chit-chat and cross-talk in my head is gone. Hhhhmmmmm....I wonder...
  4. Along the lines of #3, the constant cycling of negative thoughts has abated. Not that I don't slip backwards and find myself thinking negatively, it's just that the incessant cycling of a negative thoughts, rattling around my brain over and over and over is gone.
  5. The constant static of anxiety is gone as well. No more worrying about the next crisis or wondering what people are thinking about me and how whatever it is they think surely must be negative and critical of me.
  6.  I am finally pursuing hobbies! For example, I am now a "blogger". Nine months ago I barely knew what one was; and now, as of this writing, I have created 70 posts since I started in January. 
  7. I am finally active on Facebook - active, not addicted.
  8. I am reaching out to long, lost friends and loved ones; because I now accept that they may actually like me and want to hear from me.
  9. Now this may be the most dramatic change of all: I actually enjoy watching, and rabidly follow a professional sports team! I totally blame the medication for this one - that and being fortunate enough to have a completely charming, lovable, and incredibly talented team like the Washington Nationals for whom to root!! Up until this spring, I loathed professional sports and only tolerated baseball. {Still can't stand apologies to fans out there.}
  10. I am making progress in school! I have been in college, on and off since September 1984, and I finally feel I'm in the right field and making focused progress toward a goal. For the first time ever, graduation appears in sight! And believe me, dear Blogosphere, when I finally do graduate you will know about it!!
I don't mean to brag or sound like a broken record...just having a bit of an epiphany this week. 

I do want to underscore yet again that change is possible, but you must be willing to let it happen and be willing to do the work to make it happen. Trust me, the rewards of changing your life for the better are worth it all!

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Change Is Possible

Seven and a half years ago, I found myself sitting in a room full of strangers, shoulders slumped, emptied of tears, and hollow - devastated that I would never drink again and wondering how I was ever going to do it.

On Tuesday night, I sat in the same room of strangers, only this time they were asking me how it is that they will never drink or use again. This time I was the counseling intern and not the patient.

Life is indeed a crazy adventure! So much has changed over these seven years, but none of it would be possible had I not let go of some of my false beliefs and behaviors, and trusted in the possibility of change itself.

You see, change is possible; but we must be willing to make it happen and we must be willing to let it happen. Ultimately, we must be willing to take a blind leap of faith into unknown territory and trust that the best will come of it.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

"Let Go, Let God"

"How can you say to your brother, '...let me remove that splinter in your eye,' when you do not even notice 
the wooden beam in you own eye?" 
- Jesus of Nazareth, Luke 6:42


The above verse is about hypocracy, and it is also about control. I know that investing all my energy on the splinter in my brother's eye is ineffective, but when you love someone it is so hard not to obsess on the loved one's problems. I struggle with this a lot lately. It is very hard to let go when you love someone - when you know the bridge ahead is out, and you see the train roaring down the track headed straight for it. 

But truth be told, letting go is where God / the universe operates. Alcoholics Anonymous has a saying for this, "Let Go, Let God." 

This is my focus for the week: to invest my time and energy on the things I can control, and to let go of the need to control outcomes and the desire to control others.


Dear, God:

Please help me focus my efforts on my own "beam" today; and while I'm doing it, please help those I love with their problems. Use me if you need me, but help me let it go if you don't.

Love, Karen