Renew and Refresh!

Happy Easter!

Easter and Springtime in general is a time of renewal and rebirth. It's the blooming of new life from what was once dormant and dead. 

A refresh and rebirth is exactly what I need. I tend to get so very stuck mentally - obsessing over and replaying negative thoughts, past events, and anxieties about the future. I obsess too about getting everything "right" and being perfect. One mistake, and my confidence is knocked down yet one more level. (Quite frankly, perfectionism and fear of mistakes are the real reasons I haven't been blogging for the past several months.)

What can I do today to renew and refresh my spirit? 

Today, as I reflect on Easter and the renewal of spirit, I'm trying to let go of these negative mental exercises and let go of the need to control outcomes. Alcoholics Anonymous speaks of "letting go" and taking life "one day at a time", and that's exactly where I'll start. 

I'm sure you've heard all of this before, but it's true. Life is made up of millions of small moments. Moments that contain beauty, joy, pain, sorrow, and laughter. Moments to be savored and experienced just as they are. Moments that will change our hearts and help us grow if we let them. Unfortunately, these little experiences that make up the mosaics of our lives can pass us by unnoticed like ghosts. If we spend our time and energy focused on the past or future, we are left feeling lonely, empty, disillusioned, and scared.

Renewal and rebirth starts only in the Now. LIFE itself is the Now. Log off right NOW and go experience Life!

Happy Easter / Happy Spring!

My Own Worst Enemy

Boy, so much for back and blogging again...

I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I can't seem to get the creative juices flowing. In an effort to try to jump start things, I'm blogging today anyway.

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Well, good things are starting to happen in my life with career and school. I may have a job, granted, as an Executive Assistant in an unrelated field, but a great job nonetheless. I've also been given some fantastic leadership opportunities in my professional association which are quite an honor.

So why do I feel so damn unworthy? Why do I feel like an undeserving fraud? Why can I not let good things come my way, let myself succeed, be grateful, and enjoy it?!

You know, I'm absolutely terrified of flying. From the airport check-in on, I feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm always certain that mine is the flight that will go down. Even though I know the safety statistics and have flown many times, I'm afraid that if I sit back, relax, and enjoy it all, that is precisely when the plane will crash. My psyche becomes a sacrificial virgin to the god of flight.

So too am I afraid that if I do become happy, successful, and enjoy life, that is precisely when it'll all hit the fan: the house fire, the death of a loved one, the fatal diagnosis, or all out nuclear war...

Will I ever just let myself be happy?

It's "Start Again Sunday"

Okay, dear friends. Sorry that I failed to come through on posting this week. I really have been having trouble swimming against the current of anxiety and depression lately; and I probably shouldn't make any promises or plans right now.

You know, sometimes when you're stuck in that grey Vortex, you have to take one step - one baby step - and do just one positive thing to help turn the tide. That one thing for me today is blogging - even if I haven't had anything profound to say.

Thanks for listening!

New Year

Happy {belated} 2015! 

It's been about four months since you last heard from me. {I think I needed to press the "reset" button.} In that time, I made it through yet another holiday season sober; I had a few relapses of depression with subsequent medication changes; I switched to a plant-based diet (giving up meat and dairy entirely); I completed my associate degree in psychology; and I continued to work on my substance abuse counseling certificate.

So now that I'm back and ready to blog again, here's the plan:

• Each week on PHTA, I will blog about my continuous "adventures" in recovery and will share with you information and resources about mental illness and substance abuse. 

• In addition, this year, PHTA will also feature Wellness Wednesdays - a weekly post with information, ideas, and resources for maintaining wellness - whether you suffer from mental illness or not.

• And finally, I encourage you, dear reader, to submit topic suggestions for PHTA posts - either in the comments below, on Facebook (Pink Hi-Top Adventures), or by email at pink.hi.tops@gmail.com.

Have a great week and a healthy and happy 2015!

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ABOUT THIS BLOG:

In 2005, I entered substance abuse treatment for alcohol addiction. My last drink was November 18th of that year, and I've been sober since. Though my life changed for the better as recovery progressed, sobering up was really only the beginning. It drained the pool to expose the disorders that lay beneath.

In August 2012, I was diagnosed with major depression. I was also diagnosed with dysthymia {long-term, low-grade depression} and anxiety disorder. In September of that year, I checked into partial hospitalization mental health care, and was fortunate enough to be treated by very caring and enlightened doctors. Since then, I've been emerging from the grey veil of depression, anxiety, and addiction that shrouded my self-awareness for over four decades. {I’m 48 now.}

This blog is a chronicle of my continuous recovery and progress toward achieving my goals. With it, I hope to inspire and inform those suffering from depression, anxiety, and addiction with personal stories, resources, and a little humor!

The blog title is inspired by my favorite pair of Converse Chuck Taylor's that I wore when I felt my happiest and freest. They were pink; thus the title. 

Interesting to note: when I was depressed (before treatment), I tended to wear only black, white, and / or grey clothing. Now I find I love color - lots of different colors - especially pink. To me, pink represents innocence, fun, and lightheartedness - something I am now experiencing in recovery.

The "Adventures" part of the title is the part of the blog in which I will chronicle my new adventures with a recovering brain. 

So that's it: the why of the title, pink hi-top adventures! 

If you have any ideas for posts that you would like to see, feel free to post them here on the blog or on the Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Pink-Hi-Top-Adventures/411429458973219?ref=hl), or email me at pink.hi.tops@gmail.com.

Stay Tuned!

Sabbatical is over. March 1st, Pink Hi Top Adventures is back in action!

Dressin' My Way Up

I have A LOT of studying to do this weekend. Got a little {actually waaaay} behind after being under the weather this week.

And when I woke up this morning, I could feel the grey shadow of depression creeping over me, and once again, I almost caved in. Then I remembered my KWRAP {Karen's Wellness Recovery Action Plan} - a toolbox of recovery maintenance techniques.

Yes, I had to do the cliche, cheesy selfie...

One of my tools to stave off depression is to "dress up". This entails taking a shower, getting dresssed, doing my hair, and putting on a little make-up. Now, I'm not suggesting that we need to get all dolled up every time we make a public appearance. It's just that self-care is one of the things that goes out the window with depression. Sometimes forcing oneself to take a shower, getting out of pajamas or sweats, and prettying up a bit can go a long way toward a better outlook.

This is what I did this morning. Hadn't showered in about four days {sorry, I know...}, but I reluctantly got myself into the shower, put on an outside-of-the-home outfit and a little make-up, and now I'm feeling more ready to tackle the day.

Fighting

I'm depressed again. It sometimes happens when I'm sick, and I haven't been well since the weekend. In addition, my psychiatrist lowered my dose of Zoloft. He suspects my sleep issues and inability to get out of bed may be a side effect of the higher dose I was put on a month ago.

Regardless the cause, I'm indeed depressed. I have to say, though, this time I'm fighting it with what little energy I have. I got out of bed, made the bed to seal up the Vortex, and have been following the to do list in my planner. I'm miserable, but I'm going to trust the process. Trust that keeping active and seeing some small accomplishments will help.

On another note, my adorable puppy ate the laces off my pink hi-tops. So I can't even put them on to tap into their super powers!