Crossing the bridge, and letting go...

I have been very depressed over the last week. This time, it's not just brain chemistry. There's a legitimate reason in my life right now. I'm not at liberty to go into details, but suffice it to say, someone I know and care about is suffering from addiction and depression. 

I've done the best I can to support her, but I can only do so much. I know that I have to, as Alcoholics Anonymous says, "Let Go, Let God"; but that's easier said than done! The need to control outcomes is a difficult thing to...control!

I'd like to share an excerpt from a book of daily meditations from which I'm trying to draw inspiration from now: The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie.* {A book I highly recommend for those in recovery of any kind, those who are co-dependent, and, well, everyone else!}

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"Letting Go of Those Not in Recovery"  February 12

We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering. 

Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people's pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: we developed an addictive behavior, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.

Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.


We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn't listen. They couldn't see it; they couldn't believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we go to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing, and love. The other side was a better place.

But now there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back  and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. no one can be dragged or forced across the bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.

We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us. If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another's time has not yet come.

The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.

*Beattie, M. (1990). February. In The language of letting go (pp. 41-42). Center City, MN: Hazelden.

How Do You Help an Addict?

What do you do when someone you love is in the throws of addiction? Keep in mind that I am not a doctor, psychologist, or therapist {yet!}; but, I will share what I’ve learned from my own experience as an addict. The best way to help someone with an addiction, is to follow these five rules:

1. The only person that you can control in the whole world is YOU. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink – or in this case, not drink. You may be concerned about another person, provide them with resources and knowledge, give them all the love in the world, and plead with them to do something or change what they are doing, but there is no guarantee that they will comply with what you want for them. This is particularly true for addicts. We may physically hear what you say and you can say it a million times, but it may never register in our consciousness or hearts. And even if it does, we may still not do what you want for us. 

The primary focus of your attention and activity should be on the one thing you can control -- YOU - your thoughts, words, and actions. This is where your power lies; and this is where God works!

2. Take care of yourself first. In the pre-flight safety review, flight attendants, for example, tell parents to put on their own oxygen mask before placing one on their child. The reason is simple: the child can’t be helped if the parent passes out! There is no way you stand the chance of helping or influencing another individual if you don’t take care of yourself first. 

Once again, this is particularly true if you are in a relationship with an addict. They will drain you of energy, time, money, and resources if you let them. You must take care of yourself {physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually} or you will have nothing left for you or your loved one!

3. You must set boundaries  - do not enable the addiction. I repeat: you must not enable the addiction! For example, do not bail out the addict financially; do not let them borrow money; do not permit the behavior in your household, etc. Enabling the addicts behavior just roots it more firmly in their brain. He / she must smack his / her ass on the bottom sometimes in order to change! And, setting boundaries not only helps provide this bottom for the addict, but it is part of your own self-care too.

4. Shine the Light in dark places. If you suspect someone you love is in the throws of addiction (alcohol, drug, gambling, sex, etc.), let them know what you observe. For example: “This is your third glass of wine in one hour. You drink too much."; “You have a gambling problem, and it is tearing the family apart.”; “You smoke too much pot; you need help.” 

Though they may deny it, minimize it, get angry, or ignore you, telling the addict what you observe and that you think they need help will plant a seed in their unconscious mind which may well germinate in the future. At very least, it will give them another check mark toward a diagnosis of “addiction” on a Do I Have an Addiction quiz, should they take one in the future! 

5. If you have accepted that ultimately you only have control over yourself, you take care of yourself first, you let the individual know what you observe, and you set boundaries, and still nothing changes, you must accept that the rest is up to the individual and up to God. 

I think the serenity prayer sums it up best:

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

I know this is a bitter pill to swallow and is easier said than done when you love someone. I promise, though, it is the only way you stand the slightest chance of helping; and it is definitely the only chance you have of maintaining your own health, happiness, and sanity.

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RESOURCES:

AL-ANON - http://al-anon.org/ - “Strength and hope for friends and families of problem drinkers.”

GAM-ANON - http://www.gam-anon.org/about.htm - “...a 12 Step self-help fellowship of men and women who have been affected by the gambling problem of a loved one. “

Co-dependent No More, by Melody Beattie

The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie