up for air

Photo by Simon_sees

Exactly one week before my 51st birthday, five days before I fly again (another blog post entirely!), and coming up next month, the one year anniversary of my brother's death.

I'm rapidly becoming depressed (and anxious about flying). I know what to do, just struggling with the ability to even do.

You see, it's not as easy as it should be - simply knuckle down, "put on [my] 'Big Girl' panties", and apply all the other wellness tools about which I preach here and teach my peers on the job. If it were that easy for me, consider it done!

Rather, it's a weight bearing down - an invisible suit of lead. Or a cage - a dark tunnel with only a lit match to guide me out.

At one family night, back when I was in addiction treatment, another group member's wife was on the verge of tears, asking her husband, "I don't understand - why can't you just stop? You see what it's doing to you and our family." 

He had no answer for her, but I chimed in:

It's like being at a pool and watching all the other swimmers dive in and successfully swim the length of the pool while holding their breath. It's your turn. You think, 'Piece a cake.' You dive in and only a few meters out, you need to breath. You keep on going, saying to yourself, 'Knuckle down. Just do it. Everyone else did...'; but with every stroke, the urge to breath is stronger and stronger until it's so overwhelming you come up for air. You pop up, and everyone's disappointed in you. You're disappointed in you. 

So you try again...and again...and again, and every time it's the same. In fact, the more you try, the shorter the distance before you need to breathe."  

And that's the way it is too with depression, although not so much an urge to do something, rather an inability to do the very thing(s) that will help.

The need to do something (addiction) or inability to do something (depression) is so ingrained in your wiring, it's almost fully unconscious. It's like the urgent drive to patch the hole with your finger before the dam bursts, or the instinct to seek cover from the hailing storm. You just do it, all the while maintaining the face of "normal" to the rest of the world. You mask you're illness until the disparity between your inside and the outside becomes too great and you explode or implode.

Often, the only way out, is to learn to breath with an instructor, and it can't be family. Most of the time, it can't even be friends. Sometimes the only way out is to leap into the arms of a professional and trust that they'll guide you eventually to the other side of the pool.

So, I guess I just solved my own dilemma. Calling my therapist today.

dark and light

[From March somethingth, 2017]

It's been forever it seems since I last posted.

I can't write, and I'm worried that I've lost it - that I'll never be able to blog like I used to. Two years ago, I was often full of hope and optimism. Positive thoughts and words seem cheap - like glass
pawned off as diamond. I stand now in a 'fun' house hall of mirrors - my belief in a positive future: a bent and twisted reflection of shattered ideals.

As you may know, my brother Patrick passed away from a very rare form of brain cancer last fall - Thanksgiving week, actually. He was only 44. Though I've desperately wanted to, I haven't been able to muster up the fortitude to write a proper tribute to him yet. But it's coming...soon.

I know I don't corner the market on pain and grief, but I certainly don't handle it with grace. I'm slow at acceptance and quick to dissolve in my pain. I haven't been able to accept it. I don't want to accept it. I WON'T accept it!

Me & my little brothers: Karen, John, & Pat

c.1992

...cause maybe if I do, I'll start to forget him. I don't EVER want to forget him; and if I have to self-flagellate to remember, so be it.


I never before realized just how much I love my siblings. Missing my little brother has been like losing a limb or an eye. It's been the perfect psychiatric storm: lifelong mental illness rams into grief - swirling, thrashing, and raging in a sea of mid-life hormones. Always a full vessel til now, my heart's empty  - ripped to shreds and swept away in a gulf of tears.

And looking inward, this is a striking reminder of the road's end - the path on which we all steadily tread. Death - the great equalizer. Granted, most of us probably won't die as young as Pat, but we're headed there nonetheless. And now I'm 50...



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June 1, 2017

Since I wrote the above, I've been pulling myself up again...slooowly. Still mourning, still crying at least once a week, but moving forward. Time may heal all pain, but it will never fill the hole in my heart which I'll carry on my journey til I myself die. I'll never, ever forget him. Never stop talking to him, never stop sharing "Pat stories" with family and friends, and never stop looking for some sign in the clouds, on a street sign or bumper sticker, or in the random words of a stranger or colleague...some sign that he is in fact doing well and existing in Heaven or another alternate plain...some sign that one day I will...that I WILL get to see him again...some sign that he has not just evaporated into nothingness.

On the brighter side, in the darkest days of the holiday season, I landed the job of my dreams - at least for this next phase of my career. The focus of this job is providing peer support of and modeling wellness for those who are also mentally ill and/or addicted.

Wellness, in fact, is where I have always wanted to go with Pink Hi-Top Adventures in the long run. In fact, I'm working on a new blog page and format now.

In the meantime, I will continue to post here...until the ribbon cutting. ;)

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P.S. - Okay, and yes, there is someTHING else that has contributed to my depression as well. Salt in the wound, if you will, coinciding with my brother's final days on Earth...but that is for another blog. Not another post, another BLOG entirely.

P.P.S. - If anyone knows how to create a blog on one's own URL or if you know of any good computery-designy-types or online services that can help set up an original blog and website, please let me know. :)   pink.hi.tops@gmail.com 

The Grey Veil Descends

I'm still working on the alcohol posts that I promised. They are coming, really, it's just that the grey veil of depression has been slowly descending on me once again. Last week in particular, I expended more energy than I had just to accomplish the bare minimum.

So as therapy and to continue to shine light on the darkness, today's topic is:

MAJOR DEPRESSION

Serotonin (one of the happy 

neurotransmitters) t-shirt. 

I lost it...

One of the most pervasive mental illnesses is major depression. Almost 7% of all Americans above 18 have at least one episode each year. Like most things, though, there are gradations. At one extreme, are those theoretical individuals who are self-actualized and physically well - who are continually optimistic and roll with life's punches as they come. (I have yet to meet any of them, by the way.) At the other extreme, of course, are those who are suicidal. Most people who experience major depression fall somewhere in between. {I know there is data on this...I'll dig some up in the future. No energy for it now...}

As I’ve mentioned before, depression, the illness, is much more than being sad or "having the blues" induced by a negative life event. It's systemic, altering emotions, cognition, body function, energy, and soul.

DEPRESSION AND 

...me                                                

If you have experienced or are experiencing major depression, you can probably relate. Though I'm not experiencing all of these symptoms now, when I am or have been in a major depressive period, it feels like this:

1. Physically:
• I’m tired more than usual, and take frequent naps.
• Even when awake, it feels like I’m wearing a lead suit. Just trying to get out of bed or off the couch is overwhelming.



...just noticed he Coke too.

• Sometimes I eat a lot of junk food, and other times I eat practically nothing. For example, last week, I bought a small birthday cake - because why do you have to wait for birthdays to buy one - and I ate 3/4 of it in one night! (The other 1/4, the next day.)
• Doing any task takes forever. 
2. Mentally:
• Negative thoughts cycle around my head continuously like trapped flies in a jar.
• I scan the past and present for evidence that I am inherently flawed.
• I am easily distracted and have trouble staying focused - more than usual.
• But I hyperfocus on the negative.
3. Emotionally:
• I'm volatile.
• I easily get irate, though only in the presence of close family, for fear of confrontation with or rejection by friends, colleagues, and others.
• I don’t necessarily cry a lot, although I sometimes do.
• I personalize everything and become very, very sensitive to criticism.
• I tend to hyperfocus on people, negative news and issues in society, pop culture, politics, etc. that make me angry or upset. This in turn feeds my vision of a futile future for me, humanity, and the world.
• I hate myself.
• I wish I could disappear.
4. Socially:
• I worry, annoy, aggravate, and frustrate loved ones and friends, making it difficult for them to be around me, listen to my irrational thoughts, or even find me attractive. Subsequently, I feel even more unlovable.
• My personality flatlines, but I hide behind a smiling mask when interacting with others – even at times my family.
• Maintaining the above façade takes an enormous amount of energy and subsequently I drop out of life.
5. Work/School:
• Given #s 1-4, therefore, I frequently absent from classes and/or work days. Once again, I feel even worse as negative thoughts get further ingrained.
• When I am able to work or go to school in spite of depression:
• I am more forgetful.
• I feel less competent, make careless mistakes, and of course, feel even worse, which makes me feel even more incompetent having once again proven that I truly am incompetent. {...and I am more likely to write run-on sentences too.}
• I miss deadlines (e.g., this blog)
• I'm less confident and I project it; I shrink, rather than assert.
6. Self-Care: 
• I don’t care about my appearance and want to blend into the background and go under the radar. 
• I shower infrequently.
• My hair is plain and unstyled, and I wear no make-up. Not that I go overboard on these when I’m feeling well, but I definitely hide myself, lest I be judged. (I can’t be judged if I’m invisible.) This lack of attention to physical appearance is more about hiding and shame, than it is about preferring less or no make-up and wanting to express a more natural appearance. (The latter would be self-confidence. One can be very depressed and hide behind make-up and hair.)
• Finally, my clothing is subdued and "good enough" to get by. I dress to blend into the background.

Oh, and I hide, hide, HIDE this from loved ones, friends, and even therapists. It's counter-intuitive, but I'm keenly aware what a burden my depressive symptoms, so I try to manage it myself. And well, I'm sure you know how successful that approach is. 

So, that's it in a nutshell. I will tell you one thing though. In spite of my mood downturn, I have written many, many draft posts on several different mental health topics - including alcohol. Stay tuned.

REFERENCE

(in sloppy, non-academic format...)

* http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/prevalence/major-depression-among-adults.shtml  “Major Depression Among Adults”,  National Institutes of Health (NIH), National Institute of Mental Health.

Shrinking Violet

[UPDATE: Since posting this earlier today, I did a reality check. Not that it isn't true; but I've been a little sleep deprived lately. Ten hours in three nights is bound to heighten one's sensitivity and negative emotions. 3/6/16, 4:52PM]

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There is so much I wish I'd learned earlier in life, but as they say, "With age comes wisdom" and, "Better late than never."

I also wish I wasn't so damn naive. Maybe it comes from an idyllic childhood - at least before we moved from New York to DC in 2nd grade. The world for me was full of wonder and magic; and everything I was taught by grownups was spoken ex cathedra. I truly believed all adults were not only striving to be their best, but I assumed they were all empathetic, wise, and of the highest moral fiber - that they lived what they taught.

The first crack in the mirrors and smoke occurred when I learned there was no Santa Claus - no Easter Bunny - no Tooth Fairy. I know, silly, right? But it was a HUGE blow to my psyche. I eventually got over it, but it was the first time that I learned that things are not always what they seem. 

Fast forward 40ish years. I'm still learning my lessons the hard way. I remain naturally naive. I'm still overly trusting and take people at face value. I still find myself believing that all adults are empathetic, wise, honest, and of the highest moral fiber and character. When someone I love and admire falls short of this, I'm shattered.

You see, I'm very, very emotionally fragile. I was an "overly sensitive" child and haven't outgrown it. This makes me very empathetic. When others feel pain, joy, fear, and other emotions, I feel and carry them as if they are my own. On the positive side, this quality will help me be a good counselor and therapist;  but there's a downside too.

Not only do my emotions get tangled up with other people's, but the foundation of my self-esteem and worth is deeply rooted in the approval and acceptance of me by others. I require validation, attention, and accolades the way a flower requires water and sunlight. If I have to share or lose the admiration, love, and attention - particularly the attention of a close friend or family member - I feel as if I'll wither and die. (Sometimes I just want to wither and die!) So I cope with these overwhelming emotions by withdrawing into a protective shell - pretending everything is okay on the outside while shriveling up on the inside.

I'm told by therapists and friends that this is unhealthy and something I need to work on, but I wonder if I'm even constitutionally capable of it. Maybe it's a firstborn thing: the need for unshared love, attention, and approval - and the expectation of perfection from myself. 

Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer - especially after yesterday's blog on "good humor" as a mental health tool. Just had to get it off my chest and share it in case any of you out there feel like this too.

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P.S.: I'm also a perfectionist. I know it's been grammatically debated, but it's been bugging me since I posted it. Bob Marley ended his quote with a preposition! I don't know what he did that for. ;)

P.P.S.: Please comment here, like/comment on Facebook, and/or share with friends. Remember I'm an attention hog and need validation! :) :) :)

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KC's Top 10

I'm writing about depression again...yes, again. I wonder, though, if I'm even qualified to

give any advice on the topic at all. Some days are better than others, but inevitably I find

myself back where I started - fiercely struggling to get on the road and moving forward again.

Yes, I know what I should do; it's exactly what I've suggested you do in previous posts. But damn if it isn't almost impossible sometimes - like now.

I'm going through a very difficult time. A dear friend passed away unexpectedly about two months ago, and then in the beginning of October, a close family member became critically ill. I'm struggling to keep myself together and be strong, supportive, and optimistic. Some days, yes, I'm hopeful and energetic, and other days I'm just down and lethargic and feel hollow inside. 

Unlike amorphous depression disease I sometimes experience, this depression has an external source. And it won't just go away any time soon. I have two choices here: I can return to the Vortex and implode, or I can move forward one day at a time using some of the things I've found most helpful in the past.

Here then is what I'll try...


KC's Top 10 - not Casey Kasem's, but Karen Clarke's Top 10 steps out of depression:

1. Shower, damn it! When I'm depressed, getting up and into the shower requires more energy than a NASA shuttle lift off.  
2. Pray or meditate. Give it a try for a few minutes a day - even if you can't do more than that, you will in time see God's presence in your day.
3. Get out of the house and go somewhere. Anywhere. Just get out and into the world - and hopefully into the sunshine - vitamin D and all...
4. Blog. Or journal. Or talk to someone who will listen - just listen.
5. Drink water, and limit caffeine and simple sugars. [But some is good for the soul too.] 
6. NO mid-day napping.
   
7. The "Power of 5": Break down tasks into fives. For example: do something for 5 minutes at a time; load or unload 5 dishes into or out of the dishwasher every time you enter the kitchen; put away 5 items every time you enter a room; read 5 pages at a time - or hell, 5 paragraphs - you get the picture.*
8. Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) - or another really great comedy.
9. When you are well, make a list of things that lift your mood and bring you joy. Then when you are feeling down, refer to the list and try out some of your own suggestions.
10. Get a massage. My favorite is a foot massage. [Hint - hint, oh husband of mine...]

*Not entirely my idea. Google a book from a few years ago about breaking things down into ridiculously small parts in order to gain momentum and complete the larger goal. Actually, this isn't entirely his idea either, rather it's based on the Japanese philosophy of "Kaizen".

a day in the life

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7:13 am - some days it takes a herculean effort just to get out of bed - and not because i'm tired. the day ahead feels heavy. "what if" fears and "i'm a loser" thoughts are soul-sucking spiders that creep back into my head, shrouding me in a sticky web. i can't move. 

feeling that way this morning. sitting here contemplating the shower and dreading even that. it takes energy and i can't bear the thought of leaving my cocoon.

okay. here i go. 1...2...3...

                                                               4...5...6...

8:26 am - can't find my moisturizer, we're out of q-tips, and the grey line growing in the part of my hair screams, "omar!"

9:37 am - put on my anti-anxiety / anti-depression / addiction-smashing talisman ("Believe" pendant and Serenity Prayer infinity charm), and off to work i go.

10:11 am - arrive at work. ( yes...10:11. it's non-profit ;) )

11:30 am - a glimmer of hope. putting one foot in front of the other this morning and facing my fear is yielding results. confidence.

1:20 pm - lunch...ish. i know i should eat a healthy, protein-carb-balanced lunch with 1/2 the lunch veggies, but i feel guilty and settle for a snack.

2:46 pm - still rolling along...not the hottest tamale today, though.

6:00 pm - head out. off to night class.

7:12 pm - in class. waiting. feeling cranky. my mind's been on addiction  - especially alcohol. once again, i feel like taking a baseball bat to something. i'm  ruminating. addiction truly is a wrecking ball - demolished individuals in its wake. families, friends, colleagues, and humanity, devastated. yes, humanity. the loss of human potential blows me away!

7:30 pm - gotta go. class starting.

Mental Health: Plan on It!

The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, 

but to schedule your priorities. - Stephen R. Covey

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Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. - Pablo Picasso

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When I'm depressed, I lose a sense of time and priorities. Everything in life is awash in grey. I get nothing done and as the days drip by, I become increasingly aware of a monster growing in the periphery: anxiety. All the appointments, tasks, projects, and people that have been neglected, await me at the entrance of my cave.

...happier days

I'm sitting here now, staring out - afraid to move forward, but knowing that if I don't do at least something, the monster will grow larger and larger. 

So, how do I get myself up and out when I feel so overwhelmed? How do I gain some control and get moving again back on my path? 



Among the many self-care tactics which I've written about before, there's one other tool in my kit: my personal planner. 

A personal planner keeps track of appointments, tasks, and contacts, yes; but it can also do so much more! {Those of you in the "planner community" (and yes, there is a planner community) know what I'm talking about!} A planner can be your road map and guide, as well as your creative outlet, mental health manager, and curator of your dreams!

I think I'll be digging mine out now to help me get rolling again.

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About My Personal Planner

There are an infinite number of ways to set one up. Mine typically features these familiar sections:

• Calendar
• To Do
• Notes
• General info and key contacts

In addition, I've added "Focus" and "Goals" sections which contain:

• Inspiration: gratitude list, list of my accomplishments, life's highlights and lessons, quotes, affirmations, visualizations, etc.
• Lists: various lists and key information from diverse areas of my life, in alphabetical order.
• Other sections dedicated to life areas for which I have a lot of info to track: my job, college, college club, etc.

Aside from its functional, organizational, and motivational elements, my planner has also become a creative outlet.

Personal planner decorating has actually become quite popular. A quick Google search will yield post after post and video after video of planner set-up ideas and decorating tips. 

When I was in PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) a few years back, one of the therapeutic activities our group did involved art. To help us relax, and express our emotions using our visual cortices, we drew, made collages, and yes, even colored. Decorating my planner has the same effect on me. It's a soothing, serotonin-raising hobby!

Some of my tools include:

a pretty planner,

sticky notes and stickers,

...the beaver's face cracks me up every time!

decorative clips,

washi tape,

colored pens,

decorative tab dividers 

with a great inspirational quote,

and finally, planner charms {see pics above and below}.

I've included just a few of the resources out there to get you started. Happy planning!

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Special thanks to all my friends in the US, the UK, and Australia who gifted me most of these planners and supplies! I appreciate your kindness and friendship, and I promise to pay it forward when I can!

Planners by Filofax USA and Filofax UK

Inspirational Dashboards by tweetiepiecollage on Etsy

Planner charms by CraftersRetreaton on Etsy

Canoe do it? sticky notes {with that beaver face!} by Hatley

Washi can be found on Etsy

Amazon.com and office supply stores are great places for sticky notes and pens.

Not shown, but also HIGHLY RECOMMENDED:

Planning pages, goals, and inspirational forms and lists by Life Is Crafted

The Ring of Fire

I love The Lord of the Rings - this movie and its trilogy; and I'm currently drawing on this particular scene (esp. first minute) for strength and courage. 

http://lotr.wikia.com/wiki/One_Ring

You see, like Frodo, I've been sent on a personal quest to carry my own ring, bear its increasing weight, and cast it once and for all into the fires of Mount Doom. 

Life is like that. There comes a time in all our lives when we are called upon to take up our own cross, bear its weight, and complete our quest. We never ask for it, and we are free to choose to accept it or to walk away. Either way, there is a price to pay; but one choice leads to strength, growth, love, and peace, and the other to weakness, fear, loneliness, and a nagging feeling of what could have been. 

Bear in mind, the journey is never an easy one. It's always fraught with this world's dragons, orcs, and wraiths. So how do we make it? How to we do it alone?


We don't.

We must create our own fellowship: friends, family, support groups, therapists, etc., who will walk with us along the way. There is strength in numbers.

We also need to recharge every now and then, for such a journey requires as much energy, strength, and focus as we can muster up. We all know how to do this - take care of ourselves physically, mentally, and spiritually. But that's easier said than done. When faced with such challenges, we often feel we need to focus all of our time and effort on completing the quest. We think we cannot afford the time, but the truth is, if we don't stop along the way to replenish ourselves, we will inevitably fail.

Here are only a few of the many, many resources out there that may help in your own quest:

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FELLOWSHIP


Addiction:

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Groups

Alcoholics Anonymous

Gamblers Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

Sex Addicts Anonymous

SAMHSA - National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357) - free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day/year treatment referral and information service (English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.

SAMHSA - Treatment Services Locator

Cancer:

Cancer Support Community

American Cancer Society

American Brain Tumor Association



Caregiving:

AARP Caregiving Resource Center

American Cancer Society



Grief and Loss:

The Hospice Foundation of America from which these links come:

The Compassionate Friends  Support after the death of a child

AARP Grief and Loss Resources  Support after the death of a senior

National Widower’s Organization  Support for men grieving a loss

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention  Support for suicide survivors

Griefnet.org  Support for adults grieving a loss

Hellogrief.org Support for adults and kids grieving a loss

Wise Old Sayings, "Ultimate Guide to Grieving Support Resources" 

     [Thank you Jacqueline T. - took a few years, but I finally added this great resource! ;) ]


Mental Illness:

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA)


National Alliance for the Mentall Ill

SAMHSA - National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357) - free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day/year treatment referral and information service (English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.


SAMHSA - Treatment Services Locator

schizophrenia.com

US Department of Veterans Affairs: PTSD Support Groups


Suicide and Crisis Lifelines:

National Suicide Hotline: chat online or call 24/7: 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line:  TEXT “HOME” TO 741-741



OTHER SELF-CARE

As you may well know, I have blogged endlessly about this topic - if only to drive it into my thick head. 

This is my favorite spiritual well:  Sacred Space

Here are blog posts I've done on "Wellness":

Renew and Refresh (4/5/15)
New Hobby (10/3/14)
CBT (6/29/14)
Physical Wellness - Getting Back on Track (5/3/14)
Pet Therapy (3/24/14)
Coming Out! (3/14/14)
The 7 Habits of Mental Wellness (about Stephen Covey's, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People):
 - Introduction to (1/25/14)
 - Habit 1: Be Proactive (2/2/14)
 - Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind (2/12/14)
 - Habit 3: Put First Things First (6/23/14)
Trip to Roanoke, Virginia:
 - Rain Clouds (10/12/13)
 - Roanoke (10/12/13)
 - Heading Home (10/14/13)
Never underestimate your own power! (2/26/13)
Acceptance (3/1/13)
Recovery step #2: sleep, damn it! (3/5/13)
Rebirth (3/30/13)
Wellness part I: physical (4/26/13)
Change is possible part II (6/27/13)
Seven steps to mental health (8/2/13)
Take me out to the ballgame! (8/12/13)
Climbing back up (8/18/13)

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I have only scratched the surface here of all the resources available out there. A quick search of Google.com or your favorite search engine is a great place to start!