Motivation in Isolation

From early childhood on, my social rules of engagement have always been the same: keenly observe and internalize the social cues around me, and then when I'm absolutely certain I've got it (and only then!), put myself out there publicly.  

I'd been away from regular blogging for so long that I've felt sheepish about returning. With social (online) media, however, the rules of engagement are carved in ever-shifting sand. If I waited until I finally "get it", I'd never engage!

Well, here I am...Karen...re-engaged Karen...

So, how are you all doing in this unprecedented time in which we find ourselves this spring 2020? 

What are you doing to maintain, not only physical, but mental wellness?

Yesterday, feeling powerless and tapped out, I found myself dipping my toes in the edge of the Vortex once again...that is, until I watched the YouTube video, "An Astronaut's Guide to Self Isolation". Check it out:

And that, dear friends, is what got me off the couch, back to blogging, and back to life. Thank you Col. Hadfield :)

up for air

Photo by Simon_sees

Exactly one week before my 51st birthday, five days before I fly again (another blog post entirely!), and coming up next month, the one year anniversary of my brother's death.

I'm rapidly becoming depressed (and anxious about flying). I know what to do, just struggling with the ability to even do.

You see, it's not as easy as it should be - simply knuckle down, "put on [my] 'Big Girl' panties", and apply all the other wellness tools about which I preach here and teach my peers on the job. If it were that easy for me, consider it done!

Rather, it's a weight bearing down - an invisible suit of lead. Or a cage - a dark tunnel with only a lit match to guide me out.

At one family night, back when I was in addiction treatment, another group member's wife was on the verge of tears, asking her husband, "I don't understand - why can't you just stop? You see what it's doing to you and our family." 

He had no answer for her, but I chimed in:

It's like being at a pool and watching all the other swimmers dive in and successfully swim the length of the pool while holding their breath. It's your turn. You think, 'Piece a cake.' You dive in and only a few meters out, you need to breath. You keep on going, saying to yourself, 'Knuckle down. Just do it. Everyone else did...'; but with every stroke, the urge to breath is stronger and stronger until it's so overwhelming you come up for air. You pop up, and everyone's disappointed in you. You're disappointed in you. 

So you try again...and again...and again, and every time it's the same. In fact, the more you try, the shorter the distance before you need to breathe."  

And that's the way it is too with depression, although not so much an urge to do something, rather an inability to do the very thing(s) that will help.

The need to do something (addiction) or inability to do something (depression) is so ingrained in your wiring, it's almost fully unconscious. It's like the urgent drive to patch the hole with your finger before the dam bursts, or the instinct to seek cover from the hailing storm. You just do it, all the while maintaining the face of "normal" to the rest of the world. You mask you're illness until the disparity between your inside and the outside becomes too great and you explode or implode.

Often, the only way out, is to learn to breath with an instructor, and it can't be family. Most of the time, it can't even be friends. Sometimes the only way out is to leap into the arms of a professional and trust that they'll guide you eventually to the other side of the pool.

So, I guess I just solved my own dilemma. Calling my therapist today.

Brain Cancer Sucks

Dear Readers:

A million and ten times over the last year I said I was getting back to blogging, but never 
did. As I mentioned at one point in a previous post, I've been going through some emotionally trying times with a suffering loved one. [See Pat Clarke - written by his best friend, my husband Greg.] Though it consumed me and I desperately wanted to write about it, I also didn't want to share too much out of respect for his privacy - until now.

My brother is dying of Gliomatosis Cerebri - one of the rarest forms of brain cancer. {God! I've never used that verb before when referring to his illness!}

As you may well know, staying out of the Vortex of major depression and addiction has been (and always will be) a constant battle. This past year, however, tested the strength of my recovery more than any other time in my life thus far. So now more than ever, I need to return to blogging as cathartic therapy. I'll share with you what I've been learning as I've walked (and still walk) this long, hard journey with my little brother. 

Additionally, as soon as possible, I'll be updating to a new blog site and expanding the content to include a broader range of topics such as: brain cancer, grief, and more of an emphasis on maintaining mental wellness in general.

That's all I've got energy for now. Have a happy and healthy week! 

Love, 

Karen

a day in the life

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7:13 am - some days it takes a herculean effort just to get out of bed - and not because i'm tired. the day ahead feels heavy. "what if" fears and "i'm a loser" thoughts are soul-sucking spiders that creep back into my head, shrouding me in a sticky web. i can't move. 

feeling that way this morning. sitting here contemplating the shower and dreading even that. it takes energy and i can't bear the thought of leaving my cocoon.

okay. here i go. 1...2...3...

                                                               4...5...6...

8:26 am - can't find my moisturizer, we're out of q-tips, and the grey line growing in the part of my hair screams, "omar!"

9:37 am - put on my anti-anxiety / anti-depression / addiction-smashing talisman ("Believe" pendant and Serenity Prayer infinity charm), and off to work i go.

10:11 am - arrive at work. ( yes...10:11. it's non-profit ;) )

11:30 am - a glimmer of hope. putting one foot in front of the other this morning and facing my fear is yielding results. confidence.

1:20 pm - lunch...ish. i know i should eat a healthy, protein-carb-balanced lunch with 1/2 the lunch veggies, but i feel guilty and settle for a snack.

2:46 pm - still rolling along...not the hottest tamale today, though.

6:00 pm - head out. off to night class.

7:12 pm - in class. waiting. feeling cranky. my mind's been on addiction  - especially alcohol. once again, i feel like taking a baseball bat to something. i'm  ruminating. addiction truly is a wrecking ball - demolished individuals in its wake. families, friends, colleagues, and humanity, devastated. yes, humanity. the loss of human potential blows me away!

7:30 pm - gotta go. class starting.

Mental Health: Plan on It!

The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, 

but to schedule your priorities. - Stephen R. Covey

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Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. - Pablo Picasso

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When I'm depressed, I lose a sense of time and priorities. Everything in life is awash in grey. I get nothing done and as the days drip by, I become increasingly aware of a monster growing in the periphery: anxiety. All the appointments, tasks, projects, and people that have been neglected, await me at the entrance of my cave.

...happier days

I'm sitting here now, staring out - afraid to move forward, but knowing that if I don't do at least something, the monster will grow larger and larger. 

So, how do I get myself up and out when I feel so overwhelmed? How do I gain some control and get moving again back on my path? 



Among the many self-care tactics which I've written about before, there's one other tool in my kit: my personal planner. 

A personal planner keeps track of appointments, tasks, and contacts, yes; but it can also do so much more! {Those of you in the "planner community" (and yes, there is a planner community) know what I'm talking about!} A planner can be your road map and guide, as well as your creative outlet, mental health manager, and curator of your dreams!

I think I'll be digging mine out now to help me get rolling again.

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About My Personal Planner

There are an infinite number of ways to set one up. Mine typically features these familiar sections:

• Calendar
• To Do
• Notes
• General info and key contacts

In addition, I've added "Focus" and "Goals" sections which contain:

• Inspiration: gratitude list, list of my accomplishments, life's highlights and lessons, quotes, affirmations, visualizations, etc.
• Lists: various lists and key information from diverse areas of my life, in alphabetical order.
• Other sections dedicated to life areas for which I have a lot of info to track: my job, college, college club, etc.

Aside from its functional, organizational, and motivational elements, my planner has also become a creative outlet.

Personal planner decorating has actually become quite popular. A quick Google search will yield post after post and video after video of planner set-up ideas and decorating tips. 

When I was in PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) a few years back, one of the therapeutic activities our group did involved art. To help us relax, and express our emotions using our visual cortices, we drew, made collages, and yes, even colored. Decorating my planner has the same effect on me. It's a soothing, serotonin-raising hobby!

Some of my tools include:

a pretty planner,

sticky notes and stickers,

...the beaver's face cracks me up every time!

decorative clips,

washi tape,

colored pens,

decorative tab dividers 

with a great inspirational quote,

and finally, planner charms {see pics above and below}.

I've included just a few of the resources out there to get you started. Happy planning!

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Special thanks to all my friends in the US, the UK, and Australia who gifted me most of these planners and supplies! I appreciate your kindness and friendship, and I promise to pay it forward when I can!

Planners by Filofax USA and Filofax UK

Inspirational Dashboards by tweetiepiecollage on Etsy

Planner charms by CraftersRetreaton on Etsy

Canoe do it? sticky notes {with that beaver face!} by Hatley

Washi can be found on Etsy

Amazon.com and office supply stores are great places for sticky notes and pens.

Not shown, but also HIGHLY RECOMMENDED:

Planning pages, goals, and inspirational forms and lists by Life Is Crafted

The Ring of Fire

I love The Lord of the Rings - this movie and its trilogy; and I'm currently drawing on this particular scene (esp. first minute) for strength and courage. 

http://lotr.wikia.com/wiki/One_Ring

You see, like Frodo, I've been sent on a personal quest to carry my own ring, bear its increasing weight, and cast it once and for all into the fires of Mount Doom. 

Life is like that. There comes a time in all our lives when we are called upon to take up our own cross, bear its weight, and complete our quest. We never ask for it, and we are free to choose to accept it or to walk away. Either way, there is a price to pay; but one choice leads to strength, growth, love, and peace, and the other to weakness, fear, loneliness, and a nagging feeling of what could have been. 

Bear in mind, the journey is never an easy one. It's always fraught with this world's dragons, orcs, and wraiths. So how do we make it? How to we do it alone?


We don't.

We must create our own fellowship: friends, family, support groups, therapists, etc., who will walk with us along the way. There is strength in numbers.

We also need to recharge every now and then, for such a journey requires as much energy, strength, and focus as we can muster up. We all know how to do this - take care of ourselves physically, mentally, and spiritually. But that's easier said than done. When faced with such challenges, we often feel we need to focus all of our time and effort on completing the quest. We think we cannot afford the time, but the truth is, if we don't stop along the way to replenish ourselves, we will inevitably fail.

Here are only a few of the many, many resources out there that may help in your own quest:

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FELLOWSHIP


Addiction:

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Groups

Alcoholics Anonymous

Gamblers Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

Sex Addicts Anonymous

SAMHSA - National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357) - free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day/year treatment referral and information service (English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.

SAMHSA - Treatment Services Locator

Cancer:

Cancer Support Community

American Cancer Society

American Brain Tumor Association



Caregiving:

AARP Caregiving Resource Center

American Cancer Society



Grief and Loss:

The Hospice Foundation of America from which these links come:

The Compassionate Friends  Support after the death of a child

AARP Grief and Loss Resources  Support after the death of a senior

National Widower’s Organization  Support for men grieving a loss

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention  Support for suicide survivors

Griefnet.org  Support for adults grieving a loss

Hellogrief.org Support for adults and kids grieving a loss

Wise Old Sayings, "Ultimate Guide to Grieving Support Resources" 

     [Thank you Jacqueline T. - took a few years, but I finally added this great resource! ;) ]


Mental Illness:

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA)


National Alliance for the Mentall Ill

SAMHSA - National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357) - free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day/year treatment referral and information service (English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.


SAMHSA - Treatment Services Locator

schizophrenia.com

US Department of Veterans Affairs: PTSD Support Groups


Suicide and Crisis Lifelines:

National Suicide Hotline: chat online or call 24/7: 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line:  TEXT “HOME” TO 741-741



OTHER SELF-CARE

As you may well know, I have blogged endlessly about this topic - if only to drive it into my thick head. 

This is my favorite spiritual well:  Sacred Space

Here are blog posts I've done on "Wellness":

Renew and Refresh (4/5/15)
New Hobby (10/3/14)
CBT (6/29/14)
Physical Wellness - Getting Back on Track (5/3/14)
Pet Therapy (3/24/14)
Coming Out! (3/14/14)
The 7 Habits of Mental Wellness (about Stephen Covey's, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People):
 - Introduction to (1/25/14)
 - Habit 1: Be Proactive (2/2/14)
 - Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind (2/12/14)
 - Habit 3: Put First Things First (6/23/14)
Trip to Roanoke, Virginia:
 - Rain Clouds (10/12/13)
 - Roanoke (10/12/13)
 - Heading Home (10/14/13)
Never underestimate your own power! (2/26/13)
Acceptance (3/1/13)
Recovery step #2: sleep, damn it! (3/5/13)
Rebirth (3/30/13)
Wellness part I: physical (4/26/13)
Change is possible part II (6/27/13)
Seven steps to mental health (8/2/13)
Take me out to the ballgame! (8/12/13)
Climbing back up (8/18/13)

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I have only scratched the surface here of all the resources available out there. A quick search of Google.com or your favorite search engine is a great place to start!

Favorites

I periodically post this for new readers. If you've already heard this spiel, you may want to go check your news feed again, or search for funny videos of cats. But do stop by again soon!

For those of you who are new to this blog, here's an overview.

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Pink Hi-Top Adventures is my first blog ever. I started it back in January 2013 as a chronicle of my ongoing recovery from depression, anxiety, and alcoholism. 

About 9.5 years ago, I entered treatment for alcohol addiction. At the time, I thought it would resolve my issues and help me move forward in life; however, it only drained the pond and uncovered the disease lurking at the bottom.

I had been anxious and depressed but functioning for years, and about two years ago, I totally imploded. I spent three weeks in bed - unable to work, unable to shower, unable to function. My thoughts were turning darker too. I fantasized about death and hurting myself; and for the first time ever, it felt comforting and logical.

When I shared this with my {wonderful!} husband, he reached out to my therapist; and I was admitted to a partial hospitalization treatment program {PHP} immediately. There I was diagnosed with major depression, dysthymia {long-term, low-grade depression}, and generalized anxiety disorder. Fortunately, I was treated by wonderful doctors and therapists; and, though I've experienced periodic set-backs along the way, I've been doing better overall since.

This blog is a chronicle of my continuous recovery and progress toward achieving my goals - one of which is graduating from college with a psychology degree. {I've been in college on and off since September 1984; and finally graduating is quite the achievement for me!} I also hope to inspire and inform you, dear reader, with personal stories, resources, and a little humor!

The blog title is inspired by my favorite pair of Converse Chuck Taylor’s that I wore in my youth - when I last felt happy and free.

And finally, Pink Hi-Top Adventures is a place for you too. Please feel free to comment and discuss - either in the comments section of this blog, or on the blog's Facebook page!

Thanks for reading!

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Here is an index of some of my favorite posts:

ADD:

One Step at a Time (9/28/13)


Addiction:

The Anonymous People (9/14/14)
The Raging River (3/13/14)
Thoughts from my addiction (2/27/13)
Alcoholic or problem drinker? (3/14/13)
How do you help and addict (6/19/13)
Take me out to the ballgame! (8/12/13)


Anxiety:

Carousel in the Crazy House (4/12/15)
Thoughts (7/7/14)
Obstacles (5/22/13)
Social Anxiety (5/29/13)



Depression:

Depression (10/7/14)
Depression Sucks! (11/24/13)
Symptoms of Depression (10/28/13)
Notes from the Vortex (2/11/13)
Life (3/7/13)
Lifeline (3/8/13)
Grey veil...again?! (3/16/13)
Overcoming...inertia! (3/19/13)
Can't sleep (4/23/13)
Do the next right thing - part II (4/25/13)
The daily struggle (6/6/13)
Taking down the wall (6/7/13)
Contained emotions (6/13/13)



Schizophrenia:

Schizophrenia (10/9/14)


Stigma:

It IS an Illness (10/7/14)
Medication Stigma (4/29/14)
"Nervous breakdown" (3/6/13)
Depression is not a character defect (3/27/13)



Wellness:

Renew and Refresh (4/5/15)
New Hobby (10/3/14)
CBT (6/29/14)
Physical Wellness - Getting Back on Track (5/3/14)
Pet Therapy (3/24/14)
Coming Out! (3/14/14)
The 7 Habits of Mental Wellness (about Stephen Covey's, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People):
 - Introduction to (1/25/14)
 - Habit 1: Be Proactive (2/2/14)
 - Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind (2/12/14)
 - Habit 3: Put First Things First (6/23/14)
Trip to Roanoke, Virginia:
 - Rain Clouds (10/12/13)
 - Roanoke (10/12/13)
 - Heading Home (10/14/13)
Never underestimate your own power! (2/26/13)
Acceptance (3/1/13)
Recovery step #2: sleep, damn it! (3/5/13)
Rebirth (3/30/13)
Wellness part I: physical (4/26/13)
Change is possible part II (6/27/13)
Seven steps to mental health (8/2/13)
Take me out to the ballgame! (8/12/13)
Climbing back up (8/18/13)

Carousel in the Crazy House

Christian Ortiz, 2011

It's been two and a half years since I was partially hospitalized for depression and anxiety, and I'm still battling cognitive distortions and negative thinking everyday. It seems I was born with an internal radar system which, in the event that things are going well, will scan the horizon, home in and hyperfocus on the nearest negative thing.

Over the past few days, I've been thinking about this a lot, and about how our thoughts shape our experiences, in this moment and in the future. But it is so hard to catch myself when the negative filtering begins. It comes so naturally to me.

And it isn't just negative thinking that stops me up. I just spend way too much time in my head. Socrates said that "the unexamined life is not worth living", but I think the over-examined leads to insanity. Many people go through life blindly, on a self-made treadmill, letting things happen to them without considering why or the endless possibilities that exist for change. I, on the other hand, obsess over the "why" and the endless possibilities for growth and self-actualization - so much so, that I struggle to get started. I'm on a mental merry-go-round, waiting for the perfect moment to get off and move forward. But that moment never arrives.

My Own Worst Enemy

Boy, so much for back and blogging again...

I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I can't seem to get the creative juices flowing. In an effort to try to jump start things, I'm blogging today anyway.

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Well, good things are starting to happen in my life with career and school. I may have a job, granted, as an Executive Assistant in an unrelated field, but a great job nonetheless. I've also been given some fantastic leadership opportunities in my professional association which are quite an honor.

So why do I feel so damn unworthy? Why do I feel like an undeserving fraud? Why can I not let good things come my way, let myself succeed, be grateful, and enjoy it?!

You know, I'm absolutely terrified of flying. From the airport check-in on, I feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm always certain that mine is the flight that will go down. Even though I know the safety statistics and have flown many times, I'm afraid that if I sit back, relax, and enjoy it all, that is precisely when the plane will crash. My psyche becomes a sacrificial virgin to the god of flight.

So too am I afraid that if I do become happy, successful, and enjoy life, that is precisely when it'll all hit the fan: the house fire, the death of a loved one, the fatal diagnosis, or all out nuclear war...

Will I ever just let myself be happy?