Favorites

I periodically post this for new readers. If you've already heard this spiel, you may want to go check your news feed again, or search for funny videos of cats. But do stop by again soon!

For those of you who are new to this blog, here's an overview.

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Pink Hi-Top Adventures is my first blog ever. I started it back in January 2013 as a chronicle of my ongoing recovery from depression, anxiety, and alcoholism. 

About 9.5 years ago, I entered treatment for alcohol addiction. At the time, I thought it would resolve my issues and help me move forward in life; however, it only drained the pond and uncovered the disease lurking at the bottom.

I had been anxious and depressed but functioning for years, and about two years ago, I totally imploded. I spent three weeks in bed - unable to work, unable to shower, unable to function. My thoughts were turning darker too. I fantasized about death and hurting myself; and for the first time ever, it felt comforting and logical.

When I shared this with my {wonderful!} husband, he reached out to my therapist; and I was admitted to a partial hospitalization treatment program {PHP} immediately. There I was diagnosed with major depression, dysthymia {long-term, low-grade depression}, and generalized anxiety disorder. Fortunately, I was treated by wonderful doctors and therapists; and, though I've experienced periodic set-backs along the way, I've been doing better overall since.

This blog is a chronicle of my continuous recovery and progress toward achieving my goals - one of which is graduating from college with a psychology degree. {I've been in college on and off since September 1984; and finally graduating is quite the achievement for me!} I also hope to inspire and inform you, dear reader, with personal stories, resources, and a little humor!

The blog title is inspired by my favorite pair of Converse Chuck Taylor’s that I wore in my youth - when I last felt happy and free.

And finally, Pink Hi-Top Adventures is a place for you too. Please feel free to comment and discuss - either in the comments section of this blog, or on the blog's Facebook page!

Thanks for reading!

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Here is an index of some of my favorite posts:

ADD:

One Step at a Time (9/28/13)


Addiction:

The Anonymous People (9/14/14)
The Raging River (3/13/14)
Thoughts from my addiction (2/27/13)
Alcoholic or problem drinker? (3/14/13)
How do you help and addict (6/19/13)
Take me out to the ballgame! (8/12/13)


Anxiety:

Carousel in the Crazy House (4/12/15)
Thoughts (7/7/14)
Obstacles (5/22/13)
Social Anxiety (5/29/13)



Depression:

Depression (10/7/14)
Depression Sucks! (11/24/13)
Symptoms of Depression (10/28/13)
Notes from the Vortex (2/11/13)
Life (3/7/13)
Lifeline (3/8/13)
Grey veil...again?! (3/16/13)
Overcoming...inertia! (3/19/13)
Can't sleep (4/23/13)
Do the next right thing - part II (4/25/13)
The daily struggle (6/6/13)
Taking down the wall (6/7/13)
Contained emotions (6/13/13)



Schizophrenia:

Schizophrenia (10/9/14)


Stigma:

It IS an Illness (10/7/14)
Medication Stigma (4/29/14)
"Nervous breakdown" (3/6/13)
Depression is not a character defect (3/27/13)



Wellness:

Renew and Refresh (4/5/15)
New Hobby (10/3/14)
CBT (6/29/14)
Physical Wellness - Getting Back on Track (5/3/14)
Pet Therapy (3/24/14)
Coming Out! (3/14/14)
The 7 Habits of Mental Wellness (about Stephen Covey's, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People):
 - Introduction to (1/25/14)
 - Habit 1: Be Proactive (2/2/14)
 - Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind (2/12/14)
 - Habit 3: Put First Things First (6/23/14)
Trip to Roanoke, Virginia:
 - Rain Clouds (10/12/13)
 - Roanoke (10/12/13)
 - Heading Home (10/14/13)
Never underestimate your own power! (2/26/13)
Acceptance (3/1/13)
Recovery step #2: sleep, damn it! (3/5/13)
Rebirth (3/30/13)
Wellness part I: physical (4/26/13)
Change is possible part II (6/27/13)
Seven steps to mental health (8/2/13)
Take me out to the ballgame! (8/12/13)
Climbing back up (8/18/13)

SCHIZOPHRENIA

Schizophrenia is an insidious disease that strikes about 1% of the American population. It's marked by the inability to discern between what is and isn't real, a lack of normal emotional responses, inability to think clearly, and abnormal behavior in social situations. 

Most likely it's an interaction between genes and the environment that causes schizophrenia. There's a 10% greater risk for people with first degree relatives with the disorder (e.g., parent, sibling), and a higher than normal risk if other relatives have it. 

"Psychosis", by Dave Emmet

Scientists believe that an imbalance of neurotransmitters, particularly dopamine and glutamate, may play a significant role. In addition, many people with schizophrenia have larger brain ventricles (fluid filled spaces in the brain) and less grey matter than the average person.

Schizophrenia is an equal opportunity disease. Rates among men and women and between different ethnic groups are roughly the same.

Substance use and addiction is higher for people with schizophrenia. This is particularly true for nicotine. People with schizophrenia seem to be drawn to smoking and are addicted to cigarettes at a rate three times higher than that of the general population.

Myths

• Schizophrenics are violent and dangerous: the majority of violent crimes are not committed by people with schizophrenia, although risk of suicide is particularly high. Approximately 10% die by suicide. This is especially true for young males.
• People with schizophrenia have more than one personality: schizophrenia is not the same as split personality or multiple personality disorders.
• People with schizophrenia can't lead productive lives and should be hospitalized: with the proper treatment and strong social support, people with schizophrenia can and do lead very productive lives.
• Anti-psychotic medication side effects are worse than the symptoms of the disease.

Symptoms

• Hallucinations: seeing, hearing, or smelling things that are not really there;
• Delusions: unrealistic false beliefs. For example: believing one possesses extraordinary abilities or powers (e.g., the individual believes they are God, Ghandi, the President, etc.); feelings of paranoia that others are out to get or hurt the them (e.g., the government, aliens, people around the individual); belief that a major catastrophe is imminent, etc.;
• Disordered behavior/movement: may include agitation, inappropriate or odd posture, lack of responsiveness, behavior that is not goal-focused, etc.;
• Disordered thinking and speech: impaired communication which may include stringing together words that are meaningless ("word salad"), providing answers to questions that are off-topic and unrelated; and,
• "Negative symptoms": lack of emotion, not making eye contact, flat speech, being less talkative, poor hygiene, loss of interest in activities, withdrawal/isolation, and inability to experience pleasure.

Symptoms tend to start between ages 16 and 30. It's often hard to differentiate symptoms in the early stage of the disease (prodromal phase) though, as some of the symptoms may not seem all that different from what one could expect from many teens: drop in academic performance, changes in friends, sleep problems, depression, and/or irritability. Additional signs that can lead to a diagnosis at this stage include: withdrawing/isolating, bizarre thoughts, suspicions and paranoia, and family history.  

It's important to seek help from a doctor if you or your loved one experience any of the symptoms. Help is needed immediately if you or your loved one are a danger to yourself/herself/himself or to others. 

Once again, if you or anyone you know is having thoughts of suicide, it must be taken very seriously. Call the suicide hotline immediately: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) -- or the deaf hotline at 1-800-799-4TTY (1-800-799-4889). 

Treatments

• Anti-psychotic medication
• Psychosocial: therapy that focuses on helping patients with everyday challenges (e.g., communication, relationships, self-care, work)
• Illness management: learning coping skills to manage symptoms and crafting a Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) as a wellness guide for the patient, the care givers, and the treating professionals.
• Integrated treatment for co-occurring substance use disorders: substance use and addiction are common and treatment for both is needed.
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) - see yesterday's post: http://pink-hi-top-adventures.blogspot.com/2014/10/depression.html
• Social and vocational rehabilitation
• Family education and counseling
• Self-help support groups

Treatment for schizophrenia can often be complicated by the fact that many patients have trouble taking their medication regularly. In addition, because of delusional thinking, they may be resistant to treatment in the first place. This can be exacerbated by the very laws that are in place to protect all of us and allow us to make decisions about our own treatment. Unless a person is an imminent danger to her-/himself, a patient cannot be forced into treatment unless they have given the authority to a caregiver. 

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Resources Online

Mayo Clinic

National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)

Simulated Schizophrenia - (2 films): An excellent YouTube video that simulates a psychotic episode of schizophrenia.

Thirteen Myths of Schizophrenia, PsychCentral.com

WebMD


Memoirs

Ben Behind His Voices: One Family's Journey from the Chaos of Schizophrenia to Hope, by Randye Kaye

Me, Myself, and Them: a Firsthand Account of One Young Person's Experience with Schizophrenia, by Kurt Snyder

The Quiet Room: a Journey Out of the Torment of Madness, by Lori Schiller

It IS an Illness

Originally posted 3/27/13:

I still struggle at times with the notion that depression, anxiety, and chemical addiction are physical diseases, and not just character defects. Recently, I had been doubting the disease model yet again, and was beating myself up about it. I suppose, though, this is part of denial -  a normal step in the course of change {more on that in another blog}. 

Then, it hit me: I know that what I have is a physical illness and that medication does in fact work for me because of the difference in my cognition / thinking when I am taking medication. 

Here's the supporting evidence:

1. The incessant cycling of negative thoughts has stopped. It is not that I have no negative thoughts, sadness, or anger - that would not be normal - it's just that I don't dwell on these indefinitely.
2. I like things again. No really, I'm serious. For at least two decades, not much appealed to me. I would do the things I know I should like, but everything at the banquet of life tasted like cardboard - the world was flat. I knew, for example, that horses, tennis, and time with family and friends should generate feelings of joy in me, but it was all....meh...take it or leave it...bland...grey - and at times even irritating.
3. Color, color, C O L O R has returned to my life. Once again, I enjoy colors in objects, nature, and furnishings. My clothes, for example, have gone from neutrals to vibrant blues, purples, greens, and...P I N K. {I still adore black too!}
4. I look forward to things. Yes, believe it or not, if nothing is scheduled on the horizon, I have actually created dates and outings in the past two months! I have reached out to female friends. This is the first time in a long time...no...this is the first time that I have ever done this! 

The fact that taking a physical pill does affect change in my thoughts and subsequent behaviors, speaks of a physical, underlying disease capable of responding to medication. And lest anyone confuse psychoactive prescription medication for opiates, let me underscore: the medication does not make me feel fantastic all the time. These are not "happy pills". The meds just simply permit me to feel the normal range of feelings that the average person is capable of feeling. They free me to be Me; and for that, I am truly grateful!

The Anonymous People

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) declared September 2014 to be Recovery Month. In honor of this, the club (of which I'm president ;) ), the Virginia Association of Addiction Professionals (VAAP) Student Chapter presented a screening of the documentary The Anonymous People followed by a panel discussion. 

The film is about the Catch 22 of recovery: to protect recovering people from the hurtful stigma attached to addiction, it is important to maintain anonymity; however, anonymity perpetuates the stigma!  

The movie presents the new, or rather, revived movement of people coming out openly and calling out addiction for the disease it is. It suggests we follow the example of HIV-AIDS patients who came out as a united front in the late 80s / early 90s and smashed the myths about their disease with honesty and openness. Just as they declared, "Silence = Death", it is important for addicts to educate the public openly and unite against the stigmas that prevent millions from getting help.

This is one of the reasons I blog about my addiction, as well as my mental illness: to shine light on the darkness, to help those suffering feel less alone, and to encourage others to speak their truth as well.

If you are an addict, someone suffering from mental illness, a family member or friend, or just someone interested in positive change, the film is a must see! It is available to rent or own on Amazon Instant Video. Check it out!

Medication Stigma

This post is dedicated to Dr. Lorente - best.psychology.professor.EVER!

You know, it took me about five years after my therapist first recommended it before I finally agreed to take medication*.

Why did it take so long? Stigma. I had heard so many negative things about medication online and in the media that I assumed taking medication was dangerous and / or a cop out. 

After taking medication for a year and a half now, I have a better understanding of what it does and doesn't do. 

Medication, effectively and correctly administered to the appropriate patient, can turn a life around and in some cases, save a life.

Medication does not give you perma-grin nor does it make you happy-go-lucky all the time. Medication just levels the playing field. It enables you to experience the full range of emotions that a normal person feels. It breaks one out of the negative grip of mental illness - depression and fear - and opens you up to possibility. 

I still get angry, I still feel down and cry sometimes, and I still curse in traffic; but I am also able to move on from these feelings now. Negative feelings no longer cycle around in my head over and over like a broken record.

{I also find it interesting that some of the people I've met who are psycho-active medication opponents also happen to drink alcohol. Nothing psycho-active there...}

I do agree with some of the naysayers, however, in that I personally think that some cases are misdiagnosed. I am not a big fan of a patient walking into a primary care physician's office, telling them they are "depressed", and the PC doctor prescribing something on the spot. I think these cases can lead to over-diagnosis, misdiagnosis, and feed the misunderstanding about treatment. A PC doctor is not the right doctor to diagnose and prescribe. They have about 5 - 10 minutes with a patient and in no way is that enough time to accurately diagnose a mental illness! The PC should instead refer the patient to an expert - a therapist and / or psychiatrist.

That said, I do think there are also many cases of underdiagnosis because patients fear a stigma. I know I did. 

*Note: 'Medication' in this post refers to medication used in the treatment of depression and anxiety.

Coming Out!

A friend who also suffers from depression recently told me how amazed she is that I am able to share so openly and publicly about my illnesses. Well, this is why I do it:

1. To help those suffering from mental illness feel less alone;

2. To enlighten the loved ones, friends, family, colleagues, and caregivers of those suffering about what it feels like for someone with mental illness; 

and perhaps most importantly, 

3. To normalize mental illness as the biopsychosocial disease it is.

Number 3 is particularly important because for so long those suffering from various mental illnesses (which includes addiction) have suffered in the shadows. For fear of the stigma attached to mental illness and addiction, many have gone untreated and misunderstood rather than seek professional help.

The image we often hold of the alcoholic or the addict is not a particularly nice one: brown paper bags, dirty streets and alleys, wife beaters, drunk drivers, the dissatisfied house frau drinking her woes away with a martini in the afternoon while her baby cries unattended. Ask anyone in AA why the first step is so darned difficult yet powerful to take - saying, I'm an alcoholic. 

The image conjured up by the words mentally ill is no better: straight jackets, padded rooms, Nurse Ratched...

But, having depression, anxiety disorder, substance use disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, post-partum depression, etc. is not a character defect. They are brain diseases like diabetes is a metabolic disease or asthma is a respiratory disease. 

I am not ashamed to say in public, "I have asthma and I have to carry an inhaler." Nor should I be ashamed to say, "I am an alcoholic with depression and anxiety disorder and I carry my Where and When*."  

So that is why. The more of us that come out and say in a matter-of-fact way, e.g., I am an addict or I have bipolar disorder, the more we normalize mental illness and help it to be seen for what it is, and the more we help those who need it!



*Little book of Alcoholics Anonymous that lists local meetings - places, days, and times.

Mental Illness Awareness Week

I just learned that it is Mental Illness Awareness Week (MIAW). Check out the the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) at www.nami.org for more information.

According to NAMI, "MIAW coincides with the National Day of Prayer for Mental Illness Recovery and Understanding (Oct. 8) and National Depression Screening Day (Oct. 10)." I find this ironic because sandwiched in between is Oct. 9 - my birthday!

One of the reasons I started this blog was to help shed light in dark places - to help contribute to the destigmatization of mental illness. 

In honor of the week, I will post everyday - beginning tonight (after my internship ;) ). I will begin the "7 Habits of Mental Health" series as well as post a few other essays to shine the light even further. So stay tuned!

Pink Hi-Top Adventures

The Far Side®, by Gary Larson

For those of you new to this blog, I thought I'd give you a little background. Pink Hi-Top Adventures is my first blog ever! I started it back in January 2013 as a chronicle of my ongoing recovery from depression, anxiety, and alcoholism. 

Seven and a half-years ago, I entered treatment for alcohol addiction. At the time, I thought it would resolve whatever it was inside that was stopping me from moving forward in life; however, it only drained the pool and uncovered the disease within.

Though I had been anxious and depressed but functioning for years, last September I finally imploded. I spent about three weeks in bed - unable to work, unable to shower, unable to function. My thoughts were turning darker too. I fantasized about death and hurting myself; and for the first time ever, it felt comforting and logical.

When I shared this with my {wonderful!} husband, he reached out to my therapist; and I was admitted to a partial hospitalization treatment program {PHP}. There I was diagnosed with major depression, dysthymia {long-term, low-grade depression}, and generalized anxiety disorder. Fortunately, I was treated by wonderful doctors and therapists; and, though I've experienced periodic set-backs along the way, I've been doing better overall since.

This blog is a chronicle of my continuous recovery and progress toward achieving my goals - one of which is graduating from college with a psychology degree. {I've been in college - on and off - since September 1984; and graduating would be quite an achievement indeed!} I also hope to inspire and inform with personal stories, resources, and a little humor!

The blog title is inspired by my favorite pair of Converse Chuck Taylor’s that I wore when I last felt my happiest and freest. 

And finally, Pink Hi-Top Adventures is a place for you too. Please feel free to comment and discuss - either in the comments section of this blog, or on the blog's Facebook page!

Thanks for reading!

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Here is an overview of some of my favorite posts from the past six months:

Addiction:

Thoughts from my addiction (2/27/13)
Alcoholic or problem drinker? (3/14/13)

Anxiety:

Obstacles (5/22/13)
Social Anxiety (5/29/13)

Depression:

Notes from the Vortex (2/11/13)
Life (3/7/13)
Lifeline (3/8/13)
Grey veil...again?! (3/16/13)
Overcoming...inertia! (3/19/13)
Can't sleep (4/23/13)
Do the next right thing - part II (4/25/13)
The daily struggle (6/6/13)
Taking down the wall (6/7/13)
Contained emotions (6/13/13)

Stigma:

"Nervous breakdown" (3/6/13)
Depression is not a character defect (3/27/13)

Wellness:

Never underestimate your own power! (2/26/13)
Acceptance (3/1/13)
Recovery step #2: sleep, damn it! (3/5/13)
Rebirth (3/30/13)
Wellness part I: physical (4/26/13)

Depression is Not a Character Defect

I still struggle at times with the notion that depression, anxiety, and chemical addiction are physical diseases, and not just character defects. Recently, I had been doubting the disease model yet again, and was beating myself up about it. I suppose, though, this is part of denial -  a normal step in the course of change {more on that in another blog}. 

Then, it hit me: I know that what I have is a physical illness and that medication does in fact work for me because of the difference in my cognition / thinking when I am taking medication. 

Here's the supporting evidence:

1. The incessant cycling of negative thoughts has stopped. It is not that I have no negative thoughts, sadness, or anger - that would not be normal - it's just that I don't dwell on these indefinitely.
2. I like things again. No really, I'm serious. For at least two decades, not much appealed to me. I would do the things I know I should like, but everything at the banquet of life tasted like cardboard - the world was flat. I knew, for example, that horses, tennis, and time with family and friends should generate feelings of joy in me, but it was all....meh...take it or leave it...bland...grey - and at times even irritating.
3. Color, color, C O L O R has returned to my life. Once again, I enjoy colors in objects, nature, and furnishings. My clothes, for example, have gone from neutrals to vibrant blues, purples, greens, and...P I N K. {I still adore black too!}
4. I look forward to things. Yes, believe it or not, if nothing is scheduled on the horizon, I have actually created dates and outings in the past two months! I have reached out to female friends. This is the first time in a long time...no...this is the first time that I have ever done this! 

The fact that taking a physical pill does affect change in my thoughts and subsequent behaviors, speaks of a physical, underlying disease capable of responding to medication. And lest anyone confuse psychoactive prescription medication for opiates, let me underscore: the medication does not make me feel fantastic all the time. These are not "happy pills". The meds just simply permit me to feel the normal range of feelings that the average person is capable of feeling. They free me to be Me; and for that, I am truly grateful!

"Nervous Breakdown"

Nervous Breakdown - noun. an attack of mental or emotional disorder especially when of sufficient severity to require hospitalization [www.meriam-webster.com]

According to BBC Health, a nervous breakdown is an old term dating back to the 19th century, when many mental disorders were attributed to failure of the nervous system. It reflects a rather mechanical view of how humans function...[See www.bbc.co.uk/health] The term is not typically used anymore by mental health professionals of the 21st century - or at least not by those with whom I have been treated. In fact, it carries a rather negative connotation among many doctors, therapists, and patients.

Nervous Breakdown is, however, still used today by the general population to describe a condition that erupts when a person’s mental shores have been breached by stress and life's woes - when the person has reached a mental tipping point and can no longer function - when the person has limply melted into a massive lump of blubber and tears. {Can you tell where I'm going with this?}

Based on this 19th century interpretation of major depression and anxiety disorder, it could be argued that I suffered a “nervous breakdown”; but mental system crash induced by too much stress for poor widdle me to handle, does not accurately describe the disorder - nor does it explain why it didn't happen at other over-stressed times in my adult life.

As I mentioned briefly in another post, I have felt "different" than my peers since early grade school. {No funny comments here, siblings of mine!} As I look back on my childhood with the clarity of treatment in adulthood, I can see now that I was hyper-vigilant and hyper-socially-aware for as long as I can remember - always scanning the horizon for dragons, always analyzing myself {and not with the kindest lens}, looking to the responses of others for validation, and always finding myself in the last analysis to be..."less than." 

The major depression and severe anxiety that I suffered last August / September may have been triggered by a tipping point of sorts, but it was decades in the making. I now believe the ultimate cause is chemical and / or wiring {more in a future blog about that and how my acceptance of that was a long time coming as well}. 

The bottom line is: I am not a "hysterical woman", and I did NOT suffer a nervous breakdown! People like me - with biological depression {as opposed to being temporarily depressed, e.g., death of a loved one} suffer from a physical as well as psychological disease. We are souls born into brains that aren't functioning up to par; however, we are not weak or wussy blobs. If anything, we are strong and resilient for enduring and thriving in spite of our illness!

And now, I won't get any more hysterical about this topic...at least not for the rest of the day!

 ;)

From Darkness to Light

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

The stigmatization of mental illness (I include addiction here) has persisted in spite of its high prevalence in the general human population. Consider the following data taken from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMSHA) and the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH):

In 2011, almost 50 million American adults (20% of the U.S. population) experienced mental illness; and in 2000, SAMSHA estimated that "...4.6% of the population were dependent on or abused alcohol", and "1.0% of the population were found to be dependent on or abused both alcohol and drugs."

For far too long, mental health and addiction disorders have remained in the shadows of society - leaving those who suffer feeling even more isolated, alone, defective, and helpless than they already feel from their disease.

This blog, as I'd mentioned in previous posts, is part of my continuous pursuit of therapy and personal growth. But the main reason I choose to be so open and candid about my illness is to join others in the recently begun effort to shine light on the darkness - to help remove the stigma and extend light to those suffering alone.

I remain inspired by the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness, joy…

Let us all together be a light and shine hope and love onto sadness, fear, and despair.

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References:

http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/Social/Module1Epidemiology/Module1.html

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/statistics/1ANYANX_ADULT.shtml

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/statistics/1DD_ADULT.shtml

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/statistics/1MDD_ADULT.shtml

...and graph of this data for my addiction class paper: