Motivation in Isolation

From early childhood on, my social rules of engagement have always been the same: keenly observe and internalize the social cues around me, and then when I'm absolutely certain I've got it (and only then!), put myself out there publicly.  

I'd been away from regular blogging for so long that I've felt sheepish about returning. With social (online) media, however, the rules of engagement are carved in ever-shifting sand. If I waited until I finally "get it", I'd never engage!

Well, here I am...Karen...re-engaged Karen...

So, how are you all doing in this unprecedented time in which we find ourselves this spring 2020? 

What are you doing to maintain, not only physical, but mental wellness?

Yesterday, feeling powerless and tapped out, I found myself dipping my toes in the edge of the Vortex once again...that is, until I watched the YouTube video, "An Astronaut's Guide to Self Isolation". Check it out:

And that, dear friends, is what got me off the couch, back to blogging, and back to life. Thank you Col. Hadfield :)

Favorites

I periodically post this for new readers. If you've already heard this spiel, you may want to go check your news feed again, or search for funny videos of cats. But do stop by again soon!

For those of you who are new to this blog, here's an overview.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pink Hi-Top Adventures is my first blog ever. I started it back in January 2013 as a chronicle of my ongoing recovery from depression, anxiety, and alcoholism. 

About 9.5 years ago, I entered treatment for alcohol addiction. At the time, I thought it would resolve my issues and help me move forward in life; however, it only drained the pond and uncovered the disease lurking at the bottom.

I had been anxious and depressed but functioning for years, and about two years ago, I totally imploded. I spent three weeks in bed - unable to work, unable to shower, unable to function. My thoughts were turning darker too. I fantasized about death and hurting myself; and for the first time ever, it felt comforting and logical.

When I shared this with my {wonderful!} husband, he reached out to my therapist; and I was admitted to a partial hospitalization treatment program {PHP} immediately. There I was diagnosed with major depression, dysthymia {long-term, low-grade depression}, and generalized anxiety disorder. Fortunately, I was treated by wonderful doctors and therapists; and, though I've experienced periodic set-backs along the way, I've been doing better overall since.

This blog is a chronicle of my continuous recovery and progress toward achieving my goals - one of which is graduating from college with a psychology degree. {I've been in college on and off since September 1984; and finally graduating is quite the achievement for me!} I also hope to inspire and inform you, dear reader, with personal stories, resources, and a little humor!

The blog title is inspired by my favorite pair of Converse Chuck Taylor’s that I wore in my youth - when I last felt happy and free.

And finally, Pink Hi-Top Adventures is a place for you too. Please feel free to comment and discuss - either in the comments section of this blog, or on the blog's Facebook page!

Thanks for reading!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here is an index of some of my favorite posts:

ADD:

One Step at a Time (9/28/13)


Addiction:

The Anonymous People (9/14/14)
The Raging River (3/13/14)
Thoughts from my addiction (2/27/13)
Alcoholic or problem drinker? (3/14/13)
How do you help and addict (6/19/13)
Take me out to the ballgame! (8/12/13)


Anxiety:

Carousel in the Crazy House (4/12/15)
Thoughts (7/7/14)
Obstacles (5/22/13)
Social Anxiety (5/29/13)



Depression:

Depression (10/7/14)
Depression Sucks! (11/24/13)
Symptoms of Depression (10/28/13)
Notes from the Vortex (2/11/13)
Life (3/7/13)
Lifeline (3/8/13)
Grey veil...again?! (3/16/13)
Overcoming...inertia! (3/19/13)
Can't sleep (4/23/13)
Do the next right thing - part II (4/25/13)
The daily struggle (6/6/13)
Taking down the wall (6/7/13)
Contained emotions (6/13/13)



Schizophrenia:

Schizophrenia (10/9/14)


Stigma:

It IS an Illness (10/7/14)
Medication Stigma (4/29/14)
"Nervous breakdown" (3/6/13)
Depression is not a character defect (3/27/13)



Wellness:

Renew and Refresh (4/5/15)
New Hobby (10/3/14)
CBT (6/29/14)
Physical Wellness - Getting Back on Track (5/3/14)
Pet Therapy (3/24/14)
Coming Out! (3/14/14)
The 7 Habits of Mental Wellness (about Stephen Covey's, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People):
 - Introduction to (1/25/14)
 - Habit 1: Be Proactive (2/2/14)
 - Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind (2/12/14)
 - Habit 3: Put First Things First (6/23/14)
Trip to Roanoke, Virginia:
 - Rain Clouds (10/12/13)
 - Roanoke (10/12/13)
 - Heading Home (10/14/13)
Never underestimate your own power! (2/26/13)
Acceptance (3/1/13)
Recovery step #2: sleep, damn it! (3/5/13)
Rebirth (3/30/13)
Wellness part I: physical (4/26/13)
Change is possible part II (6/27/13)
Seven steps to mental health (8/2/13)
Take me out to the ballgame! (8/12/13)
Climbing back up (8/18/13)

It's "Start Again Sunday"

Okay, dear friends. Sorry that I failed to come through on posting this week. I really have been having trouble swimming against the current of anxiety and depression lately; and I probably shouldn't make any promises or plans right now.

You know, sometimes when you're stuck in that grey Vortex, you have to take one step - one baby step - and do just one positive thing to help turn the tide. That one thing for me today is blogging - even if I haven't had anything profound to say.

Thanks for listening!

People-Pleasing No More!

As a result of social anxiety, I am a people-pleaser. I've been so for as long as I can remember. I'm terrified of going against the grain and speaking up if I have a differing opinion.

No more.

I just posted an article on Facebook that is not going to win me any friends in the DC area; in fact, I may even make some of them irate. But I've had enough of me just shutting up to keep the peace.while others share their opinions openly and freely.

I'm sitting here now all terrified of the fallout from my post and the comments that may ensue. But I have to stand in my own space and assert my right to speak freely, especially when I feel very strongly that something is wrong and unkind. My voice counts too! My opinions are worthy of consideration too!

Sorry for the cryptic blog. I don't want to discuss the topic in question here because it is off topic to this blog. However, anxiety is very much on topic; and today I took a small step to break the shell of anxiety which has paralyzed me for so long.

Today I Feel...

As you may know, if you've read my posts this week, I have been unusually anxious lately. So as part of my therapy, I decided to blog about the disorder itself.

Anxiety happens to everyone. Fear is a survival mechanism that readies us for potential danger. It becomes a problem, however, when it interferes with everyday living and the ability to live one's best life.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, "anxiety disorders affect about 40 million American adults age 18 years and older (about 18%) in a given year". In addition, "Women are 60% more likely than men to experience an anxiety disorder over their lifetime."

Anxiety comes in many forms: Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety, phobias, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I will only address the first three here.

Symptoms vary for each disorder. They include:

• Feelings of uneasiness with no obvious cause
• Feelings of fear/panic with no obvious cause
• Unwanted or obsessive negative thoughts
• Cold, sweaty hands/feet
• Numbness/tingling in hands/feet
• Muscle tension
• Shortness of breath
• Heart palpitations/racing heart
• Dizziness
• Dry mouth
• Nausea
• Abdominal pain
• Difficulty sleeping

To be diagnosed with a disorder, symptoms must last for 6 or more months, and without treatment, will get worse.

Effective treatment typically includes at least two of the following: 

• Medication - prescribed by a psychiatrist or primary care physician after a doctor visit to rule out somatic sources
• Psychotherapy - talk therapy with a certified therapist or psychologist
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy  - see http://pink-hi-top-adventures.blogspot.com/2014/06/cbt.html
• Lifestyle changes - see http://pink-hi-top-adventures.blogspot.com/2014/05/physical-wellness-getting-back-on-track.html

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For more information about anxiety disorders, check out the following:

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

National Institute of Mental Health

Thoughts

Our thoughts really do determine our outcomes. We get what we think about - especially what we think about ourselves. Positive thinking isn't just a cliche, it's a powerful tool.

When I was a little girl, I was very, very shy. When we moved from New York to Virginia, I didn't make the transition very well. I waited for kids to befriend me; and if they didn't automatically come up to me, I assumed they disliked me. Then in turn, I behaved as if I wasn't liked and became even more withdrawn; and in turn, I was even more overlooked by classmates. It was a vicious cycle.

The truth is, I wasn't disliked by other kids; I simply projected it onto them, acted accordingly, and it became my reality.

I find myself as adult sometimes doing the same thing - thinking I'm not worthy of something and thus acting accordingly and subsequently not getting what I truly desire or need.

What thoughts are you projecting out there into the world? What is your current reality and what role does your thinking play in it?

Social Anxiety and Blogging

Sorry I haven't written in forever...again!

I'm still struggling with writer's block and self-doubt. I know I'm over-thinking it. I'm too afraid to write because I'm afraid my audience won't like it.

Huh...that's low self-esteem and social anxiety talking. I guess the meds only go so far. It seems I still have some cognitive work to do.

Back to the writer's block. If you have anything you would like me to write about, please let me know. I'd be happy to entertain any number of topics and questions - assuming, of course, they are at least mildly related to mental health and addiction. I know nothing about the Super Bowl, and don't follow pop culture enough to write about it. ;)

Well, I hope you have a wonderful day and I promise to come back tomorrow with something illuminating!

Balance

How quickly things fall apart!

Balance is the hardest thing for me to achieve. I know it can never be perfect, but my addictive tendencies do get the best of me. When I start working in one area of my life, it always seems to be to the detriment of other areas. I pour myself into school work, and the house falls apart. I focus on relationships, and school falls apart. I spend too much time on the internet, and it all falls apart!

My goal this week is to rein things in and get closer to achieving true balance.

On another note, I haven't forgotten the Eleanor Roosevelt quote. Today's thing that I am going to do that scares me: go to class. Don't know why, but I have a little anxiety about going to Group Dynamics this afternoon. 

What is the one thing you are going to do today that scares you?

Road Trip Part II

Do one thing that scares you every day.

 - Eleanor Roosevelt                                      

Notes from the road:

Do something that scares you. Do something that scares you. Do something that...well here I am. On my way back from the conference, I'm sitting here in Cracker Barrel - alone! I don't think I've ever gone to a sit down eatery alone before - not even to a casual restaurant like this. I simply would have died! I know it may sound crazy, but the very thought of it has terrified me. 

Damn you Eleanor Roosevelt!!

Wait, I think...I think I actually enjoy this. I don't know what I was afraid of. The number of people seeing me...seeing me eat and sit alone? I don't think anyone is even noticing me. And no, I won't write in my journal the whole time; and I won't take refuge in my iPhone the whole time either, faking like I'm checking messages... 

Holy cow! I think I just saw myself. Did you ever see yourself? No, I'm not hallucinating. Did you ever encounter someone who totally resembles you?! A young "me" just came in with her husband and baby and at first glance...wow! Ca-razy!!

Ah, dinner. There's something about comfort food...and there's something about being bold and dining alone! I think I'm gonna do this again!

Contained Emotions

Sometimes {still} I feel like there is no way out. I have emotions inside. I have feelings. And when my feelings get hurt, I don’t know how to express them. In fact, I would rather die than have other people know that I am hurt by something someone did or said.

In class this week, our professor, who is also a practicing clinical psychologist, demonstrated different methods of psychological assessment. In one assessment, she asked us to draw a house, a tree, and a person – all on separate sheets of paper. She took them home and gave us back today an {unofficial} assessment. Here is my person and what she noted:

1. take life too seriously, 2. contained emotions, and 3. critical of self?

Note the tight lips - the hands tucked into pockets, out of sight - and the pockets underscored hard with the pencil.

Somehow, I have no qualms about sharing with the world {online and in 3-D life} about how I'm an alcoholic in recovery who has experienced anxiety disorder and major depression, but I would {almost literally} rather die than expose to another person that they have hurt my feelings. I just don't know if this is something I am going to be able to get over. 

Procrastination

I just caught myself Googling iPhone 5 phone cases in purple, hoping to find the same case that I have and love on my  iPhone 4. I started grumbling about how the cases don't transfer from phone to phone when I realized I was....procrastinating. I don't even own an iPhone 5, and I am not getting one anytime soon! I do, however, have mounds of laundry, dishes, and paperwork piled up all around the house.

For someone like me, procrastination is a lure of the Vortex. I see a fluffy topic dangling before my eyes, and I follow it on Google to where it may lead. Then I wake up, hours later, not having done what I originally intended to do for the day, and I beat myself up and become even more depressed. Into the Vortex as a self-proclaimed "failure" I go...

Well, not today. I won a small battle with social anxiety yesterday by going to class {and role-playing a psychotic, no less!}; and today, I will win another by attending to my plan. I am going to get two loads of laundry done, do the dishes, get the car inspected, and read Chapter 3 of psychology. And by God I will NOT become a victim of the Vortex!!

Social Anxiety

Boy, if any marketing ad ever got it right, it's Nike: Just Do It!

This is the treatment for social anxiety and other anxiety disorders; and yet, this is the one thing someone with anxiety just CAN'T do!

I am going through this mental dance right now. I have been experiencing social angst again, and it's beginning to affect my daily routine. Yet, I know I simply have to do what I think I can't - commute, go to work, spend time with friends and family, etc. 

This is my big goal for the week. To face the fear and do it anyway.... as much as I know I'm going to hate it. I want to be well, more than I want to be comfortable...but boy is it gonna suck!

Obstacles

Well, I met with my therapist yesterday and my psychiatrist today; and the verdict is: 1) I must stop creating my own obstacles to wellness; and 2) I must feel the pain of fear and do it {whatever "it" is} anyway.

The biggest obstacle I've created for myself in the past month or more is having an erratic sleep pattern. This is not caused by my medication, rather by me. I take my final pill {trazodone - a poor antidepressant that works well for sleep and is non-addictive} when I finally feel ready for sleep. That might be 10:00 PM, if I'm particularly exhausted, or that might be 1:00 AM, 2:30 AM, or not at all - if I feel like lingering just a tad bit longer over the internet or reruns of The Golden Girls, Hoarders, or Ghost Hunters! 

I've been scared to go to sleep, quite frankly; because I'm scared to get up the next morning and face a day of people {i.e., social anxiety}. This is the other component they both said I must work on.  "Feel the fear and do it anyway." {Susan Jeffers has a book with the same title.} This is harder for me to tackle than bedtime. As an alcoholic, as with most addicts, I have a low threshold for psychological pain and will do anything, almost anything to avoid feelings of emotional distress. This includes running in the absolute opposite direction of what I am supposed to do if I am pricked by even the slightest hint of fear. 

Though I work with truly wonderful people at a great organization, conflicts arise as they do anywhere that two or more people engage in relationships. Conflicts at work are minimal, but even at that, enough to scare the bajeebies out of me. School is the same way - I am afraid of meeting new people and speaking up in class - even at my age. And commuting, well lets just say that it does nothing for my emotional outlook whatsoever!

So there you have it. Those are my obstacles; now, what am I going to do about it?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What are your obstacles? What is holding you back from living up to your highest potential? What can you do to knock down, climb over, or go around the obstacles in your path and move onward to success and happiness?

Next Right Thing #1

As I mentioned in Sunday night's blog, I am struggling to keep up in school this semester. Maybe it was too soon to return after coming off of disability for major depression and anxiety disorder. Maybe, but I wonder too if it isn't something else.

You see, succeeding in school would mean graduating; and graduating would mean transferring to an even bigger academic program at a bigger university; and graduating from there would mean...becoming a professional in my intended field. So why should that scare and intimidate me so? That's what I want, isn't it? Or is it?

Completing all my degrees would mean that there are no more obstacles between me and my profession. It would mean, "Show time!" It would mean that I finally arrived and that if I fail at what I do, it counts, it really counts. It would mean that I am saying to the world this is me, this is who I am, and if I failed to meet up to expectations, I would be exposed to big criticism and really would be a failure. You see, if you fail on the journey to the destination, it isn't failure, just a set-back. But when you are in the profession - when you've arrived - you better put up or shut up...and I am so afraid of failing "on stage."

Does any of this make sense to you?

I am scared, but my rational mind {all of two neurons dedicated to reasoning, that ordinarily chill out in my head until randomly called to duty at times like this}...yes, my rational mind tells me that this is crazy talk and I simply must forge ahead and trust that I will be able to handle the challenges along the way and in my profession.

So do I cave in to fear, yet again, or do I trust that the path will unfold before me? What is the next right thing to do?

Tearing Down the Wall

Isolation is one of the biggest symptoms of depression. Depressed people don't isolate deliberately or because they don't like other people - on the contrary. They do it because they don't feel worthy; they fear rejection; and they simply lack the energy reach out.

For as long as I can remember, I struggled with social anxiety. When I was in grade school, I was painfully shy with my peers - not the first kid to jump into games, and always the last to be picked for teams. More often than not, I found myself on the outside looking in.  


Then in my late teens, I was introduced to my "lover" {alcohol} and discovered "liquid courage", as the late author Caroline Knapp aptly referred to it. When I poured each first drink, I poured my soul back into my skin. 

As the years wore on, the social bonding began to diminish. The drink became the focus of everything - wine was the sun, and my passion revolved around it - drawn by its gravity, but not realizing its center was a black hole. I began to wall myself in, brick by brick, until I was indeed isolated - not alone, but all alone.

Then, when I took my last sip 7.5 years ago, I opened up emotionally again to people in recovery, though I was still afraid share myself with friends and family. And as the afterglow of sobriety faded around year 2, I slid right back into social anxiety and dysthymia. Once again, I was the awkward kid, and the wall grew thicker and stronger until it finally imploded on me last fall.

In these past few months of recovery, my wall of isolation has begun to come down - piece by piece. It is amazing to me really. For the first time since my 20s, I have been socializing on my own! 

I got together with a friend for coffee last month and, get this - I was the one who initiated it! Since then, I've gone to coffee 4 times with friends and it feels so good to connect with other women! I am very blessed to have great female friends {you know who you are ;) } and I look forward to making more in the future. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RECOVERY STEP #4: Break the isolation by reaching out to at least one other person - get out of your comfort {or discomfort!} zone.