The Fire

Happy {very belated} New Year!

I've been off line for a few months now - focused on a family member's critical illness among other crises. I've missed blogging. I've wanted to share my feelings about it all, but haven't quite known how to address the topic while maintaining people's anonymity. For now, suffice it to say that together, my family, friends, and I are walking a difficult path toward our loved one's recovery.

On the positive side, as can always be the case when one confronts major life challenges, my character, perspective, and priorities are being carved and refined once again. I continue to learn so much more about life and about myself, and I'm growing closer to family and friends.


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The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire.

 - Ferdinand Foch           

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Today in my journal, I reflected, "So often, the problem for me in any given issue/problem/crisis is that I don't fully engage myself and my intuition and talents in the decision-making, management, and resolution. If I were engaged - wasn't so people-pleasing, running away from conflict, down-playing myself, playing dumb and absent-minded, deflecting with humor, etc. - many problems could be resolved; and I'd be stronger and more self-assured."

As you probably know, I loathe conflict, don't trust myself, and doubt my abilities. Subsequently, I end up going with the flow, waiting for someone to rescue me, and following the direction of those who are more vocal and assertive.

But, I don't have the time or patience with myself to continue operating like this any more. As I previously said, my priorities have shifted; and of course, life is too damn short! So, how am I going to work through this, assert myself, contribute, and shine? This is my challenge at the moment; and I'll take you with me in the coming weeks as I figure out how!

Taken summer 2015., but currently under 3 feet of snow!

Pink Hi-Top Adventures

The Far Side®, by Gary Larson

For those of you new to this blog, I thought I'd give you a little background. Pink Hi-Top Adventures is my first blog ever! I started it back in January 2013 as a chronicle of my ongoing recovery from depression, anxiety, and alcoholism. 

Almost eight years ago, I entered treatment for alcohol addiction. At the time, I thought it would resolve whatever it was inside that was stopping me from moving forward in life; however, it only drained the pool and uncovered the disease within.

Though I had been anxious and depressed but functioning for years, I finally imploded a year ago. I spent about three weeks in bed - unable to work, unable to shower, unable to function. My thoughts were turning darker too. I fantasized about death and hurting myself; and for the first time ever, it felt comforting and logical.

When I shared this with my {wonderful!} husband, he reached out to my therapist; and I was admitted to a partial hospitalization treatment program {PHP}. There I was diagnosed with major depression, dysthymia {long-term, low-grade depression}, and generalized anxiety disorder. Fortunately, I was treated by wonderful doctors and therapists; and, though I've experienced periodic set-backs along the way, I've been doing better overall since.

This blog is a chronicle of my continuous recovery and progress toward achieving my goals - one of which is graduating from college with a psychology degree. {I've been in college - on and off - since September 1984; and graduating would be quite an achievement indeed!} I also hope to inspire and inform with personal stories, resources, and a little humor!

The blog title is inspired by my favorite pair of Converse Chuck Taylor’s that I wore when I last felt my happiest and freest. 

And finally, Pink Hi-Top Adventures is a place for you too. Please feel free to comment and discuss - either in the comments section of this blog, or on the blog's Facebook page!

Thanks for reading!

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Here is an overview of some of my favorite posts from the past six months:

Addiction:

Thoughts from my addiction (2/27/13)
Alcoholic or problem drinker? (3/14/13)
How do you help and addict (6/19/13)
Take me out to the ballgame! (8/12/13)

Anxiety:

Obstacles (5/22/13)
Social Anxiety (5/29/13)

Depression:

Notes from the Vortex (2/11/13)
Life (3/7/13)
Lifeline (3/8/13)
Grey veil...again?! (3/16/13)
Overcoming...inertia! (3/19/13)
Can't sleep (4/23/13)
Do the next right thing - part II (4/25/13)
The daily struggle (6/6/13)
Taking down the wall (6/7/13)
Contained emotions (6/13/13)

Stigma:

"Nervous breakdown" (3/6/13)
Depression is not a character defect (3/27/13)

Wellness:

Never underestimate your own power! (2/26/13)
Acceptance (3/1/13)
Recovery step #2: sleep, damn it! (3/5/13)
Rebirth (3/30/13)
Wellness part I: physical (4/26/13)
Change is possible part II (6/27/13)
Seven steps to mental health (8/2/13)
Take me out to the ballgame! (8/12/13)
Climbing back up (8/18/13)

I'm baaaack!

I survived finals! It was not easy. All in all I did okay, but I crammed a lot in at the last minute. 

I DO NOT want a repeat of this next time! I am so sick and tired of the burnout that comes from pulling it all out of my...rear...at the last minute. I know procrastination is human nature, but it doesn't have to be inevitable. I can do better - and I will!

Just Do It

Don't have time to blog today. Finals week is coming soon; and well, you know how far behind I am. Wanted to share this quote with you, though. This is my mantra for working on my college degree! {Let me tell you, if when I finally do complete the bloody thing, you will hear the celebration from whatever point you are at on the planet!!}

Inspiration of the Week

Haven't written regularly in awhile - still in a bit of a rut, but working to dig myself out. The quote above is so right - one must do the work before the universe sides with you to achieve your goals. Lord, why is this so hard for me to learn - especially in my personal life!?

Well, this is my mantra of the week. I'm going to see what I can actually accomplish in one week if I truly focus my efforts on the one thing I can control - me, my thoughts, and my actions.

Next Right Thing #1

As I mentioned in Sunday night's blog, I am struggling to keep up in school this semester. Maybe it was too soon to return after coming off of disability for major depression and anxiety disorder. Maybe, but I wonder too if it isn't something else.

You see, succeeding in school would mean graduating; and graduating would mean transferring to an even bigger academic program at a bigger university; and graduating from there would mean...becoming a professional in my intended field. So why should that scare and intimidate me so? That's what I want, isn't it? Or is it?

Completing all my degrees would mean that there are no more obstacles between me and my profession. It would mean, "Show time!" It would mean that I finally arrived and that if I fail at what I do, it counts, it really counts. It would mean that I am saying to the world this is me, this is who I am, and if I failed to meet up to expectations, I would be exposed to big criticism and really would be a failure. You see, if you fail on the journey to the destination, it isn't failure, just a set-back. But when you are in the profession - when you've arrived - you better put up or shut up...and I am so afraid of failing "on stage."

Does any of this make sense to you?

I am scared, but my rational mind {all of two neurons dedicated to reasoning, that ordinarily chill out in my head until randomly called to duty at times like this}...yes, my rational mind tells me that this is crazy talk and I simply must forge ahead and trust that I will be able to handle the challenges along the way and in my profession.

So do I cave in to fear, yet again, or do I trust that the path will unfold before me? What is the next right thing to do?

Rebirth

Spring is the time in the northern hemisphere for celebrating rebirth of what appeared to be dead. Crocuses, daffodils, and tulips sprout up through the soil, buds appear on trees, and flowers start blooming. Tomorrow, Christians all over the world will celebrate the resurrection of Christ from the dead as well.

Bulbs I planted last Thanksgiving (2012)
 in gratitude for my own resurrection

At the beginning of 2012, I thought I wasn't going to survive the year - literally - and not because of some ridiculous prophecy allegedly coming at the winter solstice. I was dying. I was becoming more and more hollow inside every day; and by September, I was ready to die. You know the rest of the story {from previous blog posts}. 

This Easter, however, I am grateful {and amazed!} to be alive - to be given the opportunity to live. 

Dear Reader: Please remember when you are suffering that you are not alone. If nothing else, hang on tightly to the thought that there is hope, light, and life on the other side of darkness; and don't let go of that thought until the storm subsides.  

Sending you hugs, positive thoughts, and prayers this Easter,
PHT

Some days...

...ain't it the truth! This does not change with medication. I'm exhausted, my left eye is swollen and my nose stuffed up from allergies, my arthritic knee is hurting...and the rest of my family is home today. I just don't feel like going to work...

...but I'm going.  

Is there something you need to do today that you just don't feel like doing? Is there something that you need to do that scares you perhaps? Some commitment that you know, in honoring it, will make you a better person at the end of the day? Then do it - just do it.

Growth and strength come from all the little decisions like these that we make every day of our lives, accumulated over time. Do that thing that pains you {as long as it is congruent with your values and goals, of course}; and know that I'm with you - at least in spirit!

Wishing you a courageous day!

Believe You Can

or..he believed he could so he did! ;)

I have a short paper, a part of another paper, and a mid-term due this week, and I am having trouble settling down to work on them. It's not like these are classes I hate, in fact, I love them. But I seem to have myself psyched into thinking that I will hate working on them - that it will only be drudgery...when in reality...

I think I am really going to enjoy this learning experience...and I will be proud of my achievement when completed...Okay, that's it - I'm off to go work on it!

Challenge of the day: work on something important that you have been putting off - and see how you feel afterwards.

Got it? Okay, let's go!

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3/24/13

So, how did it go with the studying yesterday? Take a look and see for yourself:

Then finally...

my husband snuck this shot of me

...progress not perfection! I got away from the distraction {my laptop}, changed scenery, and voila! The reading flowed!

You see, you first have to believe that you can do it, but know that when you start to do it, obstacles will come your way - and yes, often the obstacle is YOU. Believe in yourself; set a goal; start the work; and when you get stuck, change your approach and course correct. That is the recipe for success.

"Follow Your Bliss"

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.

 - Joseph Campbell   

This picture was taken on a family vacation to Wyoming. I love this picture because of the look on my face - it was a moment of pure bliss! Since I was a little girl, I've been in love with horses, but growing up in the suburbs of a big city, followed by all the trappings of adulthood buried this childhood desire - until this vacation.

For me, a horse is great medication! What is your "horse"? What makes you happy? Is there something you loved as a child that has fallen by the wayside over the years because of lack of time, money, or proximity, or because it isn't "grown-up" enough? Well, find that thing and DO IT - somehow make it happen. Life is full enough of the things we have to do, why not do at least one thing that you truly want to do. You deserve JOY in your life, but only you can make it happen; so here's your first assignment:

1. Think about one thing that brings you pure joy {children, mate, family, don't count this time!} If you are having trouble with this one, try going back to childhood for ideas. ;)
2. Draft a realistic plan to make it happen - realistic, but not self-limiting.
3. START.
4. See what unfolds! 

Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.

 - Joseph Campbell

Overcoming...inertia!

In the past week, I seem to have lost direction, and I have been struggling to stay on top of things. After suffering the major depression of last fall, and then experiencing a resurrection of my true self in the past few months, I now hyper-analyze every dip in the road, for fear it is the dragon coming up from the vortex to consume me. What I seem to have forgotten is that "normal" people struggle with everyday things too. 

As you may already know from previous posts, I returned to college this semester; and I started out with a bang, feeling empowered and doing very well. But now, I find myself mid-semester and a little behind {also a "normal" thing, or so my husband reassures me}. In the past, anxiety and negative thoughts would feed on this, deride me for getting behind, and convince me that no matter what I did, I'd be humiliated and shamed.

Today, I'm going to try something new. Even though I am behind, I will not run from it - I will face it head on {and yes, it still scares the bajeebies out of me!} I will not skip class because I am afraid of what others are thinking, I will study what I can today, and see where it takes me.

Dear reader,

Please don't let me do this alone. Is there something you have been putting off that you know would be good for you, good for your personal growth? Is it something that scares you a little, but you know if you did it you'd feel better about yourself, stronger, more confident? Then do it! And if you're feeling particularly bold, please do share with us in the comments!  ;)