The Fire

Happy {very belated} New Year!

I've been off line for a few months now - focused on a family member's critical illness among other crises. I've missed blogging. I've wanted to share my feelings about it all, but haven't quite known how to address the topic while maintaining people's anonymity. For now, suffice it to say that together, my family, friends, and I are walking a difficult path toward our loved one's recovery.

On the positive side, as can always be the case when one confronts major life challenges, my character, perspective, and priorities are being carved and refined once again. I continue to learn so much more about life and about myself, and I'm growing closer to family and friends.


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The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire.

 - Ferdinand Foch           

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Today in my journal, I reflected, "So often, the problem for me in any given issue/problem/crisis is that I don't fully engage myself and my intuition and talents in the decision-making, management, and resolution. If I were engaged - wasn't so people-pleasing, running away from conflict, down-playing myself, playing dumb and absent-minded, deflecting with humor, etc. - many problems could be resolved; and I'd be stronger and more self-assured."

As you probably know, I loathe conflict, don't trust myself, and doubt my abilities. Subsequently, I end up going with the flow, waiting for someone to rescue me, and following the direction of those who are more vocal and assertive.

But, I don't have the time or patience with myself to continue operating like this any more. As I previously said, my priorities have shifted; and of course, life is too damn short! So, how am I going to work through this, assert myself, contribute, and shine? This is my challenge at the moment; and I'll take you with me in the coming weeks as I figure out how!

Taken summer 2015., but currently under 3 feet of snow!

Inspiration of the Day: 5 March 2013

Don't have time at the moment for a full blog, but wanted to share some inspiration that will be my focus for today:

Acceptance

I think it was Oprah that once said, forgiveness is letting go of the notion that the past can be anything other than what it is. It is not necessarily being happy or content with what happened or with what another person - or you yourself - did or said, but rather simply accepting the fact that there's nothing you can do to change the past. It is what it is.

I have experienced so many mixed emotions in recovery from depression, anxiety, and alcohol addiction: the joy of rediscovering LIFE and reconnecting with my {real} self, as well as fear of the unknown...and the feeling of loss...of being cheated...of missing out on days, months, and years.

I awoke this morning struggling with the latter - trying to accept that dysthymia, anxiety, and alcoholism are diseases of the brain and not character flaws - trying to forgive myself, the genetic cards I was dealt, and the people and circumstances that converged in my head last September in the perfect mental storm that landed me in the hospital.

But, I know...today is a new day. Today I will do my best to forgive and to accept...somehow.

Design by Quotable Cards Inc.

Continuing on from Recovery Step #1 (see 2/26/13 post):

You will never, ever, EVER get well unless you are willing to risk. Make no mistake about it, change is scary; but you must take a leap into what feels like the unknown, and trust in a Power higher than yourself. Trust your doctors, trust those who love you, trust your God - trust that you can get better. Trust that on the other side of darkness there is light. Trust that LIFE is better than stagnation and disintegration.

Leap and your net will appear!

Never Underestimate Your Own Power!

Please forgive the shameless self-promotion - just wanted to share this shirt with you. This is my theme of the day!

Oh, crikey! I'll fill you in on why after my appointment with my {brilliant!} psychiatrist - which I'm about to be late for!

{i'm back}  I love this shirt {now}. I bought it for myself at Christmas, when my soul had begun to pour back into my body, and my spirit started to flicker back to life like the tiny little lights on our tree that had spent a year tucked away in the dusty attic. Christmas time for me was a time of awakening – and a time of reckoning.

The medication had brought me to a place were I could begin the work of recovery. I don’t think I realized it at the time just how much work it is to recover from depression and anxiety disorder - nor could I imagine the amount of effort it requires every day to stay on track. 

TM and Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.

Fast forward to last week: recovering from a step backward, it ended up being one of the most successful weeks of my last decade! Not because I won any “major award”….

but, because I experienced a personal triumph over fear and isolation.

Though I am a big proponent of being open and honest, the thought of seeing my colleagues loomed large and heavy on my psyche when I returned to work in January - the what-will-people-think factor. My therapists at PHP {and in alcoholism recovery} tried to bolster us with identifying and correcting our negative thinking with things like, "it's none of your business what others think" or "you will never know what others think; focus on that which you can control" - all well and good when you are sitting in the warm, embracing arms of group therapy, but hard to remember when it's road-tested!

Because I now work part-time in a different department, I haven’t seen my former colleagues all that much, and when I’d pass them in the hall – especially my boss – there would be an awkward but polite exchange between us. This awkwardness has been gnawing at me for the past month, and I knew there was unfinished business needing attention – literally and figuratively.

Last week , when I headed to an all-staff meeting, I saw my boss again and we both said, Hi.  I proceeded to the meeting room, but stopped dead in my tracks. I turned around and walked back up to him. With a little humor and a smile, I told him that I'd been meaning to stop by; but we've not been at the office on the same days. I asked him when might be a good time to catch up about the past several months of my illness, and to follow-up on some remaining work issues. He was very pleased to chat and very supportive…and the next thing I knew, we had a lunch date scheduled for next week!

I headed back into the meeting room feeling a whole lot lighter. Facing the fear, and moving through it, did wonders for my confidence! The remainder of the week was stellar! I got a lot of school work and work work done, AND I reached out to friends that I hadn't spoken to in years! I now have a date to do coffee with one of my best friends!

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RECOVERY LESSON #1: To break through the wall of depression / anxiety, you must take your sword to the heart of the beast - even if you can barely lift it. You cannot go around the beast to win the battle. You must move through the fear, move through isolation – even if it feels like it will burn a hole in your stomach! The rewards for doing so are too rich!!

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face…we must do that which we think we cannot.

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UPDATE (3/1/13): The one thing I failed to take into account when blogging...be careful what you say - your words will haunt you. I am struggling a little today - trying to accept my "disease", that it even is a disease in the first place, and I am struggling against the pull of the vortex. But then I thought about my own bloody words, "...you must take your sword to the heart of the beast - even if you can barely lift it." Guess I better lift the damn thing...if only to maintain my blogging integrity.So if nothing else, I'm doing it for you, dear readers.