Changing Course

Feeling much better physically and mentally. 

I still occasionally have self-defeating thoughts, though. I overthink things. I'm constantly

examining and re-examining myself and my actions. I make assumptions about what others

think or will think about me and I base my self-worth on what I interpret that to be. 

Wow. I guess it sounds like I don't feel all that much better mentally after all.

Okay. I'm sitting here on a Monday morning. Fighting these demons. I can either give in to them, or I can work through them. 

What can I do today to change my course?

1. DIET - I need to eat a healthy, balanced, properly portioned diet; and not just because I recently had my gall bladder out. Research is now supporting what we've all suspected: maintaining a healthy diet helps maintain a healthy mind. 
2. EXERCISE - I cannot do strength or core training (e.g., yoga, Pilates) for a while, but I can get some oxygen in my blood and blood in my brain. 
3. SLEEP!! - I need to get about 8 hours of quality sleep, falling asleep in the dark without the TV on or iPhone in hand.
4. PRAYER/MEDITATION - There are mixed reviews in scientific literature about the link between prayer/meditation and mental health, but I believe it does work. When I have prayed regularly, I've been centered and less anxious.

"Rome wasn't built in a day", you know. I think I'll start small and gradually add on. First things first: sleep and diet. Then, later this week, add walking in the neighborhood for about twenty minutes and morning prayer and meditation.

I'll let you know how it goes.

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Here are some interesting reads if you want to know more:

DIET

PsychCentral: Healthy Food Can Improve Mental Health

EXERCISE

Craft, L. and Perna, F. The Benefits of Exercise for the Clinically Depressed. Primary Care Companion Journal of Clinical Psychiatry. 2004; 6(3): 104–111.

SLEEP

American Psychological Association: Why Sleep Is Important and What Happens When You Don't Get Enough

PRAYER/MEDITATION

PsychCentral: New Study Examines the Effects of Prayer on Mental Health

Motivation

So far, so good! I've lost one pound in two days. I know, however, that this is typical only in the beginning of a weight loss program, and the rate of loss will taper off to about a pound a week in a few weeks.

It's not easy, I have to say. I've had a craving for mac and cheese and caramel popcorn!

One of the things I've done to stay motivated, however, is to create a section in my daily planner for visualizing success. The pictures in there - especially of the outfits that I want to get back into - inspire me in times of weakness. When I want that caramel corn, e.g., I look at my pictures first and decide which I want more - caramel popcorn or cool clothes that fit well! So far, it's really helped me stay on track. 

You see, in the last year, whenever I've had to go to an event that requires more than jeans and an over-sized t-shirt, I've gone into panic mode and have ended up having to buy a new outfit for the event.

I have a closet full of a wide variety of outfits that just don't fit, and it's depressing! 

You know, I think the key to sticking to a weight loss and fitness plan is to find what motivates you personally. 

On another note, that zingy feeling in my head from changing medication seems to be dying down - thank God! I have an appointment today with my psychiatrist, and I'll let him know about it.

Well, I'm headed out know for a good power walk. It's another beautiful day here in Virginia and I want to make the most of it! Hope you have a wonderful day too!

First Check-in

You have only just begun to discover your magnificence. This period of your life marks a New Beginning. You can feel it. And you have only just begun to know the treasure and the glory of You.

                                                                    - Neale Donald Walsch, Facebook post, 5/3/14


So I lied. I'm not going to update you once a week; I'm taking you along for the ride with me.

Crikey, this is going to be a loooong journey; but I'm ready to do it. I monitored my calorie intake today. (I know it's not on my mental wellness list of things to do, but it works for me. I'm very data-oriented at times.) I also drank eight glasses of water, ate protein- / carb-balanced meals, and got in my fruits and veggies. And I walked - about one mile. 

What was hardest today is something I hadn't taken into account. My doctor had been transitioning me off Effexor and onto Wellbutrin; and as of two days ago, I stopped the Effexor entirely. Since then, I have been feeling very...dizzy? Dizzy isn't quite the word...very zingy, like there are electric impulses that occasionally shudder through my head and body. It made walking tonight a challenge. I hope this passes quickly!

At any rate, I intend to repeat the process tomorrow. One day at a time!

Physical Wellness - Getting Back on Track

Me and my beautiful daughter Rachael - September '13

Okay folks. Along time ago, I posted about the things one should do to be well - physically. (See Wellness Part I - Physical.) Isn't it funny how good we are at giving out advice, but fail to do ourselves the very things we are advising!

I have been very good about taking my medication, pretty good about getting the sleep I need, and terrible about everything else. 

I recently saw a picture of myself, and I was heavier than I have ever been. Well, that is about to change. I intend to follow my own advice, and I want to take you along with me. Once a week, I'll share with you my struggles and my progress. 

Here are the things I will commit to (taken from the original post): 

1. Obviously, take medication (if any) as prescribed by your doctor; and don't deviate from it without your doctor's permission.
2. Take any supplements your doctor has recommended. For example, my GP has me taking Calcium w/vitamin D and a multi-vitamin; and my psychiatrist has added 2 - 3 fish oil capsules per day. I also temporarily take iron supplements, as I'm slightly anemic.
3. Get 7.5 - 8 hours sleep each night; and go to bed and wake up at the same time each day.
4. Drink about 2 liters of water per day - more if you are exercising hard, are on medication, and / or you are spending a lot of time in hot weather or dry climates.
5. Exercise 4 - 5 times per week employing the fitness triad: aerobic (e.g., walking, running, swimming, biking), strength training (e.g., free weights), and flexibility training (e.g., yoga, stretching). (Obviously again, check with your physician before starting any exercise program.) Aerobic exercise in particular releases feel-good endorphins in your brain, strength training builds body confidence and strength, and flexibility helps prevent injury and reduces stress.
6. Eat properly. It has been my personal experience that the following serve me best mentally {and physically}:

• Eat (5) portioned mini-meals per day, approximately every 2 - 3 hours. 
• Each meal should contain (1) lean protein portion, (1) complex carbohydrate portion, and at least one vegetable portion. Some example of portions: protein is the size of a deck of cards; a carb, the size of a light bulb or tennis ball; and a slice of cheese is the size of a domino. 
• Eat at least (5) vegetables and eat (4) fruits per day.
• Limit simple sugar (white bread, white rice,white pasta, bottled juice from store, table sugar, etc.)
• Limit butter and saturated fats. This is old news, I know; but it is true. Olive oil, olive oil, olive oil is good for the brain. Use it, damn it!
• Do not drink diet sodas and avoid sugar substitute. {The latter is my idea - I just don't trust 'em.}
• Limit caffeine and don't have caffeine after 2 or 3 PM. {As a chemical addict, this is the hardest of all for me!} Note that I didn't say eliminate, just limit. This is especially important for those suffering from anxiety.
• Do not drink alcohol - obvious for an alcoholic / drug addict, but critical too for someone with depression and anxiety - especially when on medication. 
• See http://www.choosemyplate.gov/, http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/coping-with-anxiety/AN01589, and http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/food-and-mood/my00716 for some more examples of proper eating.

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Today is the baseline day.  I weighed in at 180. Well, off I go to get started - see you next Saturday!

The Raging River

I woke up this morning with the image of a glass of garnet colored wine in my mind. I could taste it on my tongue; I could smell the earthy cork...

Then I caught myself. Even eight years into recovery, I occasionally get a reminder that the gremlin is still alive and well deep inside me, just waiting for me to slip up. Just one drop on the tongue and the ground beneath me could crumble. 

Well, relapse isn't quite that simple. It comes much earlier than the actual drink, pill, shot, or smoke. Relapse begins when we fail to attend to our recovery on a daily basis.

My recovery counselor said that we are always relapsing; and he shared a great metaphor with us: Envision a raging river leading up to a waterfall. The river is the power of our addiction; and in order to maintain recovery, we must always be rowing upstream. The moment we stop, we slip closer to the waterfall. The waterfall, however, is the act of drinking, e.g., though, and not the relapse. The relapse occurs much earlier - somewhere in the rapids. The question we must always ask ourselves is how close are we to the edge. If we are too close, we better start rowing!

What do we do to row and get further upstream? Here are some ideas:

• Go to a meeting (AA, NA, GA, any support group)
• Tell someone who understands and is familiar with your addiction. Heck, if you have no one, contact me! pink.hi.tops@gmail.com  I'd be happy to chat with you!!
• Get that bloody 8 hours of sleep a night!!! 
• Limit the simple sugars in your diet. Eat a protein- / complex carb-balanced diet which includes lots of vegetables and fruits.
• Drink half your body weight (pounds) in ounces of water.
• Exercise - especially aerobic (e.g., running, walking, Zumba, aerobics, cycling).
• Pour yourself into a hobby.
• Read something inspiring.
• Laugh! Watch a comedy (preferably not Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke...)
• Get out into nature: Touch and feel the bark on a tree! Smell a flower! Look at the beautiful waterfalls and feel the spray on your face. Listen to the sounds of the waves crashing on the shore and the seagulls screeching above. Look up into the night sky and count the number of satellites you see. You get the picture...
• Connect with an animal. Dogs, cats, horses, and other pets are wonderful therapists!
• Now that I think about it, connect with your therapist; and if you don't have one, get one.

So now that I've had that dream, where am I on the river? How close am I to the falls? Which of the above am I going to do today to keep myself rowing?

Getting Un-stuck!

I am painfully behind in blogging. I just remembered I promised you all a 7 Habits of Mental Health series...about a month a go!

I don't know what my problem is. I've been down, but not all out depressed. I've been struggling to keep up with everything I say is important to me. I'm just in a funk!

My husband says I need to exercise. Maybe he's right. Maybe that's the missing piece of the equation. I have certainly not been doing any of the things that I told you all would help with depression; and where do I find myself? Stuck in a rut.

Okay. Today is Sunday. A new day - a new week. 

This week I am going to chronicle my progress in getting myself back on track with maintaining my mental health. 

Eleanor Roosevelt & Me

Do one thing every day that scares you.

 - Eleanor Roosevelt                                  

I love this quote. The challenge of it thrills and scares me at the same time. I repeat this quote incessantly to my daughter when she is afraid to try something new.

Recently, I've been using it as my mantra to get off my butt and live life to the fullest. Here are some examples. They may be easy for the majority of people, but they have terrified me:

Tubing on Lake Norman, North Carolina

When we recently visited friends in North Carolina (see Life is Good), they took us out on the lake for a boat ride and some tubing. It wasn't the tubing that was scary. It was the being in the lake part that scared the bajeebies out of me! 

Lake Norman's average depth is 33.5 ft - 110 ft at the deepest. Though I know it is illogical, that fact scares me. I think of the depth below. I think of the animal life below and all those eyes looking up at me!! I think of the movies Jaws and Friday the 13th - and the Loch Ness Monster, for crying out loud!

My daughter didn't want to go, even though I encouraged her to try it. Then I remembered, "Eleanor Roosevelt". I knew I had to set the example. I shouted, "Eleanor Roosevelt" (and explained it to my friends!), and on the tube I went! Yes, it did flip over at one point; and yes, my feet were dangling about 34 feet above the lake bottom - for all eyes to see! But, I did it - and I actually had fun.

Then, yesterday. My family and I went to my sister- and brother-in-law's 10-year anniversary/vow renewal celebration. It was a catered event with a dj. The day was gorgeous, the ceremony so beautiful that half the audience was in tears, and dinner was exquisite! Then came the...dancing. 

Now let me tell you: I have never been the first to hit the dance floor. Shaking my thang has always scared the crap out of me! In fact, as an active alcoholic, I used to drink my way onto a dance floor - two drinks usually did the trick.

With no (alcoholic) drink in hand, and having endured the corpus humiliation (see Gotta Be a Loser) of the dressing room the day before, I was less than thrilled about getting my groove on with all the younger, slimmer women out there. My husband, Fred Astaire (a.k.a., LMFAO's Adam Goldstein, for the younger readers), hit the floor immediately and beckoned me out there. 

No way. No way, no way, NO WAY was I going! Until she came to mind. "Eleanor Roosevelt!", I muttered out loud, and I began a-shufflin'! (Sorry the pics are a little blurry...)

Once again, I ended up having a blast!

Finally, today, it wasn't something that scared me, really. It was something that daunted me - exercise. Once again, Eleanor got me off my butt...off the couch, into shorts, and out for a walk-run in the woods!

So, this is my goal for the next 30 days: every day do something that scares me...and see what happens!

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Dear Reader:

Do you have any mantras or other techniques you use to get you through something that scares you?

Why don't you join me in this challenge and feel free to share your comments and experiences here or on PHTA's Facebook page!

I'd love to hear from you. I mean it! 

Climbing Back Up

You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

- Eleanor Roosevelt                                    

I know I've moaned about this before, but I haven't exercised in many, many months; and I've reached my highest weight ever- 162 pounds.

Yesterday, we went with our friends to Ithaca and one of our stops was Buttermilk Falls - a very beautiful place indeed with trails running up and down either side of gorgeous falls and natural pools. We decided to hike it. 

Going down was okay, but going up was no small feat - especially for me! The ascent is approximately 600 feet of mostly rock-hewn steps. Within the first few feet up, I was huffing and puffing. By about 100 feet up, I had long trailed behind the others and didn't think I could make it. My husband stayed back with me and even offered to pick me up in the car at the bottom of the falls. But I decided I would finish what I started, even if it killed me! 

As I continued on, what I began to notice was that when I thought of the entire walk up and how much I had left to go, my legs felt like lead. I simply could not go any further and had to take a break. On the other hand, when I mentally took it one stair set at a time, hiking up became manageable. 

After about 45 minutes, I finally made it; and the triumph felt good.Today my legs are sore - a good sore - and I feel ready for another long walk this afternoon.

It is very true, You must do the thing you think you cannot do. It builds character - and muscle!

Anxiety Again

For the first time in a very long time, I feel anxiety gnawing at me - a prickly static of constant worry about absolutely nothing. I forgot what that felt like, because the medication had been working so well. 

I have been a bit off lately with what I need to do to stay mentally healthy. Once again, my sleep schedule is out of whack; and as usual, I haven't been exercising. In addition, I haven't been taking my medication properly - e.g., taking it at 8:00 am one day, and at 11:30 am the next; and missing doses altogether. 

I know you are probably tired of hearing this, but I really, really have to get back on track.

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An hour later...

Well, I did it. I exercised for the first time in two (or more?) months, but it wasn't my idea. My husband has been watching me sink backwards and rallied the troops this morning for a family bike ride to Starbucks. I'm glad now that we went, but getting me up and dressed was nothing short of an exorcism! 

The trick will be making sure I get to bed by 11:00 tonight, taking my pills on time, and exercising again tomorrow. I have to have faith that sticking to these basics will pay off in the very near future - if I can just hang in until then.

Sweet Dreams!

Last night, before bed...at 1:00 AM...I baked six chocolate chip cookies and ate them all. This after a day of pumpkin bread, an ice cream sundae, a Clark candy bar, and, between heart palpitations, copious amounts of caffeinated coffee.

Needless to say my dreams were off-the-chain wild. My REM brain was filled with images of tornadoes, planes flying under bridges, and flying saucers commanded by aliens who on a loud speaker as they buzzed by me announced they were going to "morgramate" mankind for our evils.

Upon rising this morning, I was less than a dainty flower ready to spring forth into the sunshine.

Let me be very clear about this...sugar is evil. And sugar in the hands of an addict with depression and anxiety disorder is nothing short of thermonuclear! 

I am exhausted... 

This behavior yesterday was not an anomaly. I've been pulling a lot of this crap over the past few months; and, according to the bloody Wii, I have gained 25 pounds since January!

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Dear reader,

You are my witness. I have hit my physical fitness bottom. I am committing to you {and even to you, dear husband, who I know is reading this}, that I will exercise five times a week, wean off of the simple sugars and caffeine, and lose the 25 pounds by January 1, 2014. 

Here is my starting weight:

Dear friend who suggested that we exercise together,

Sounds like a plan! 

Taking Down the Weight

Weight issues (up or down) seem to be part of the whole depression thing; and it's no wonder. Exercise is a great way to lift mood. Unfortunately, overcoming inertia is the one thing required for exercising and the one thing a depressed person cannot seem to do. 

Proper nutrition too goes out the window when one is feeling low, and it's another important contributor to brain chemistry stabilization. But Lord knows, the last thing a depressed person does is eat a well-balanced, nutrient-rich diet.

Subsequently, since imploding last September, I have gained twenty-five plus pounds. Today it all came crashing down though. I had an important event to attend, and nothing - no exaggeration here - NOTHING fit me! Even the pants that I recently bought to accommodate the larger me didn't fit! The only clothes that fit me now are my jeans (barely!), my yoga pants, and my many pairs of elastic-waist pajama pants. 

In addition to walling myself in with clutter, like many depressed people, I seem to have walled myself in with fat. The lack of exercise and proper nutrition is holding me back from mental and physical wellness.

This is my goal for the coming week: I will incorporate exercise into my daily schedule and see what happens. I am also going to eat nutrient-dense, lean foods, and drink 8 glasses of water each day. 

Stay tuned! I'll be tracking my progress and set-backs right here on PHTA.