{im}perfectly PINTERESTing

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life...have the courage to follow your heart and intuition."                                                    - Steve Jobs

I turned 50 last October, and as you know, shortly after, I lost my youngest brother to brain cancer. Like a carefree bird at full speed, I flew smack into the cold glass of reality - a window of hope having just slammed shut. No longer an esoteric thought, I finally saw and felt "Life's brief candle" flickering.

Over the decades, I've become complacent. It's easy to do, you know. So many of us let the passions and dreams of youth slip out of our fingers and sail away behind us. We settle down and settle in. We aspire to fit the mold of the perfect mother or father - the perfect bread winner, spouse, or lover. We deplete our resources and ourselves trying to meet up to standards set by the invisible "them".

In the last several years, the internet has become a powerful resource in my never-ending quest for perfection. Enter Pinterest: my internet porn and, at times, self-esteem leech.

Millions of "hacks" using baking soda, vinegar, and toothpaste for all kinds of household fixeroos. Pictures of pristine, cozy kitchens in white with turquoise tools and stainless appliances. Tutorials for sexy hair, age-reversing make-up, wardrobe tweaks, and exercise tips promising transformation from frowning frump to 21st Century, June Cleaver-Jane Mansfield Fox. A flicker of hope for the weary working woman or stay at home mom who tries to be everything to everyone, but ends up exhausted and worn.

Don't get me wrong, Pinterest's a wonderful, powerful tool. An endless depot of collective ideas and inspiration, it can help us make life easier, richer, and more fun. In the hands of an easily-depressed, attention-impaired, 24-hour-a-day-stimulus-seeking addict like me, though, it can have the reverse effect.

Contrary to popular belief (ha-ha)...I'm not perfect. While this fuels my initiative and inspires my goal-setting, it's also led to procrastination, and pushed me over the edge more than once into the Vortex. Take blogging, for instance. Even though I've been blogging for almost five years now, in the last two, I've poured over countless "Pins" listing tips for blogging success. Always afraid of failure, though, I've been waiting for the perfect time to dive back in - waiting to get the new blog website up and running and, well, perfect. Waiting to craft the perfect masthead and design, and to outline a precise map of topics before continuing where I left off.

Now on the cusp of...gulp...51, Life's brief candle may indeed be slowly waning, but damn it, I've decided I'm going to crackle, blaze, and roar before I'm through! I'm ditching the self-repression of Them-pleasing and freeing the bound and gagged, long-lost ME. I'm going to do what I love - get back to blogging, rekindle old fires, and explore much, much more! (It's not called Pink Hi-Top ADVENTURES for nothing, you know.)

Yes, the new website will come; and yes, I'll checkout Pinterest, etc. for creative and technical ideas to get there. In the meantime, however, I'm back and I'll give you the best I've got.

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12/17/2017
Reading back over this and other posts just now, I noticed something. When I have a problem or emotional crisis, and I blog about it, somewhere in the last two paragraphs I have an epiphany. My outlook does a 180, hope returns, and I'm charged enough to get back on the path.

ANTI-DEPRESSION TOOL: If your outlook is bleak right now, write it out, draw it out, GET IT OUT of your head and onto paper (or screen). 

[Now there's a reason to start blogging again...and, oh crap! I already said, "I'm back..." I better get out of this post and into a new one. NOW!]

Shrinking Violet

[UPDATE: Since posting this earlier today, I did a reality check. Not that it isn't true; but I've been a little sleep deprived lately. Ten hours in three nights is bound to heighten one's sensitivity and negative emotions. 3/6/16, 4:52PM]

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There is so much I wish I'd learned earlier in life, but as they say, "With age comes wisdom" and, "Better late than never."

I also wish I wasn't so damn naive. Maybe it comes from an idyllic childhood - at least before we moved from New York to DC in 2nd grade. The world for me was full of wonder and magic; and everything I was taught by grownups was spoken ex cathedra. I truly believed all adults were not only striving to be their best, but I assumed they were all empathetic, wise, and of the highest moral fiber - that they lived what they taught.

The first crack in the mirrors and smoke occurred when I learned there was no Santa Claus - no Easter Bunny - no Tooth Fairy. I know, silly, right? But it was a HUGE blow to my psyche. I eventually got over it, but it was the first time that I learned that things are not always what they seem. 

Fast forward 40ish years. I'm still learning my lessons the hard way. I remain naturally naive. I'm still overly trusting and take people at face value. I still find myself believing that all adults are empathetic, wise, honest, and of the highest moral fiber and character. When someone I love and admire falls short of this, I'm shattered.

You see, I'm very, very emotionally fragile. I was an "overly sensitive" child and haven't outgrown it. This makes me very empathetic. When others feel pain, joy, fear, and other emotions, I feel and carry them as if they are my own. On the positive side, this quality will help me be a good counselor and therapist;  but there's a downside too.

Not only do my emotions get tangled up with other people's, but the foundation of my self-esteem and worth is deeply rooted in the approval and acceptance of me by others. I require validation, attention, and accolades the way a flower requires water and sunlight. If I have to share or lose the admiration, love, and attention - particularly the attention of a close friend or family member - I feel as if I'll wither and die. (Sometimes I just want to wither and die!) So I cope with these overwhelming emotions by withdrawing into a protective shell - pretending everything is okay on the outside while shriveling up on the inside.

I'm told by therapists and friends that this is unhealthy and something I need to work on, but I wonder if I'm even constitutionally capable of it. Maybe it's a firstborn thing: the need for unshared love, attention, and approval - and the expectation of perfection from myself. 

Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer - especially after yesterday's blog on "good humor" as a mental health tool. Just had to get it off my chest and share it in case any of you out there feel like this too.

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P.S.: I'm also a perfectionist. I know it's been grammatically debated, but it's been bugging me since I posted it. Bob Marley ended his quote with a preposition! I don't know what he did that for. ;)

P.P.S.: Please comment here, like/comment on Facebook, and/or share with friends. Remember I'm an attention hog and need validation! :) :) :)

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Changing Course

Feeling much better physically and mentally. 

I still occasionally have self-defeating thoughts, though. I overthink things. I'm constantly

examining and re-examining myself and my actions. I make assumptions about what others

think or will think about me and I base my self-worth on what I interpret that to be. 

Wow. I guess it sounds like I don't feel all that much better mentally after all.

Okay. I'm sitting here on a Monday morning. Fighting these demons. I can either give in to them, or I can work through them. 

What can I do today to change my course?

1. DIET - I need to eat a healthy, balanced, properly portioned diet; and not just because I recently had my gall bladder out. Research is now supporting what we've all suspected: maintaining a healthy diet helps maintain a healthy mind. 
2. EXERCISE - I cannot do strength or core training (e.g., yoga, Pilates) for a while, but I can get some oxygen in my blood and blood in my brain. 
3. SLEEP!! - I need to get about 8 hours of quality sleep, falling asleep in the dark without the TV on or iPhone in hand.
4. PRAYER/MEDITATION - There are mixed reviews in scientific literature about the link between prayer/meditation and mental health, but I believe it does work. When I have prayed regularly, I've been centered and less anxious.

"Rome wasn't built in a day", you know. I think I'll start small and gradually add on. First things first: sleep and diet. Then, later this week, add walking in the neighborhood for about twenty minutes and morning prayer and meditation.

I'll let you know how it goes.

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Here are some interesting reads if you want to know more:

DIET

PsychCentral: Healthy Food Can Improve Mental Health

EXERCISE

Craft, L. and Perna, F. The Benefits of Exercise for the Clinically Depressed. Primary Care Companion Journal of Clinical Psychiatry. 2004; 6(3): 104–111.

SLEEP

American Psychological Association: Why Sleep Is Important and What Happens When You Don't Get Enough

PRAYER/MEDITATION

PsychCentral: New Study Examines the Effects of Prayer on Mental Health