Quarantine Tip #1: Vent!

Hey folks - I was just looking over my blogs from the past, and I found a post that struck me as being relevant especially right now - a tip for maintaining mental wellness in very trying times. So, I'm re-posting here a blog entry from when my brother was losing his battle with a rare brain cancer and I was desperately trying to keep it all together emotionally: 

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11/17/16 - The Vortex Vent

"Shadows of Us", by Karen Clarke
[My brother and I.]

So I am NOT doing a very good job of staying out of the Vortex. I am not handling this very well at all. Who would?, I suppose.

Quite often, I am a two-year old in the body of a 50-year old. Occasionally, though, I am a little bit strong. I am typically at my best when I am with my brother actively doing something to help him, talking to him, and/or just sitting next to him. On the other hand, I am at my worst - as today - when I am back at my own house. I feel empty, helpless, and hopeless.

I really, really, really wanted to share with you tips on protecting one's mental health when dealing with serious illness, dying, death, and grief, but I've got nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing to share from my own journey through this experience to inspire you and set a good example of self-care that helps you help others. I totally know it's wrong to say, but I don't really give a damn about my own mental or physical health at the moment.

I know what I should be doing, but I am simply unable [unwilling] to do it. I know well the metaphor of the importance of taking care of oneself in order to best help others - like a parent putting on their own oxygen mask before putting one on their child in an airplane emergency. I have loved tossing that one around at friends and family coping with caring for others, but now it feels trite.

Wait...Actually, now that I think about it, this blog post is a part of self care. Venting one's emotions, as painful as they are, is therapeutic. The other day, I was thinking about the myriad feelings and emotions I cycle through daily, and I wrote the poem below**. Writing that too was therapeutic. 

So I guess I do have a tip for you after all: write (or draw, etc.) your feelings and emotions - painful and dark as they may well be. Share them or not, just get them out of your head and onto a medium. It is a pressure release to prevent full throttle explosion as emotional pain and suffering continues to layer your heart.

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**SAID POEM...


Like a sculptor working stone, pain carves me from the inside out –

rough-edged, 

broken,

torn.

I am angry. I rage 

                        and lash out like a fork-tongued serpent, fangs bared at the world.

I cry torrents of tears,

and thrash about like a wounded shark. 

I weep and wail til my heart’s squeezed dry. 

I am hollow.

I am full.

I am strong.

I am weak.

I am pain.

I am numb.

I am loss.

I am love.

I am grief.

dark and light

[From March somethingth, 2017]

It's been forever it seems since I last posted.

I can't write, and I'm worried that I've lost it - that I'll never be able to blog like I used to. Two years ago, I was often full of hope and optimism. Positive thoughts and words seem cheap - like glass
pawned off as diamond. I stand now in a 'fun' house hall of mirrors - my belief in a positive future: a bent and twisted reflection of shattered ideals.

As you may know, my brother Patrick passed away from a very rare form of brain cancer last fall - Thanksgiving week, actually. He was only 44. Though I've desperately wanted to, I haven't been able to muster up the fortitude to write a proper tribute to him yet. But it's coming...soon.

I know I don't corner the market on pain and grief, but I certainly don't handle it with grace. I'm slow at acceptance and quick to dissolve in my pain. I haven't been able to accept it. I don't want to accept it. I WON'T accept it!

Me & my little brothers: Karen, John, & Pat

c.1992

...cause maybe if I do, I'll start to forget him. I don't EVER want to forget him; and if I have to self-flagellate to remember, so be it.


I never before realized just how much I love my siblings. Missing my little brother has been like losing a limb or an eye. It's been the perfect psychiatric storm: lifelong mental illness rams into grief - swirling, thrashing, and raging in a sea of mid-life hormones. Always a full vessel til now, my heart's empty  - ripped to shreds and swept away in a gulf of tears.

And looking inward, this is a striking reminder of the road's end - the path on which we all steadily tread. Death - the great equalizer. Granted, most of us probably won't die as young as Pat, but we're headed there nonetheless. And now I'm 50...



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June 1, 2017

Since I wrote the above, I've been pulling myself up again...slooowly. Still mourning, still crying at least once a week, but moving forward. Time may heal all pain, but it will never fill the hole in my heart which I'll carry on my journey til I myself die. I'll never, ever forget him. Never stop talking to him, never stop sharing "Pat stories" with family and friends, and never stop looking for some sign in the clouds, on a street sign or bumper sticker, or in the random words of a stranger or colleague...some sign that he is in fact doing well and existing in Heaven or another alternate plain...some sign that one day I will...that I WILL get to see him again...some sign that he has not just evaporated into nothingness.

On the brighter side, in the darkest days of the holiday season, I landed the job of my dreams - at least for this next phase of my career. The focus of this job is providing peer support of and modeling wellness for those who are also mentally ill and/or addicted.

Wellness, in fact, is where I have always wanted to go with Pink Hi-Top Adventures in the long run. In fact, I'm working on a new blog page and format now.

In the meantime, I will continue to post here...until the ribbon cutting. ;)

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P.S. - Okay, and yes, there is someTHING else that has contributed to my depression as well. Salt in the wound, if you will, coinciding with my brother's final days on Earth...but that is for another blog. Not another post, another BLOG entirely.

P.P.S. - If anyone knows how to create a blog on one's own URL or if you know of any good computery-designy-types or online services that can help set up an original blog and website, please let me know. :)   pink.hi.tops@gmail.com 

Thanksgiving Mourning

Karen (Me), John, and Pat

(Sorry John, had to post it. You're handsome.

And besides, you don't read my blog anyway!)

Happy Thanksgiving! 

There. I said it, albeit with gritted teeth. No, seriously. I do wish you a happy Thanksgiving, but it's a little hard today to be happy on mine.

Monday of this week, my brother (Pat, above) passed away from brain cancer. I will blog about this later. For today, I am going to trryyyy...try, try, try to be grateful. I know it's the right thing to do; and in trying to set a good example of mental wellness, I am going to force myself to do it.

I am grateful for:

• My brothers: They are (yes, 'are') more than just brothers. They are my best friends! They are handsome, intelligent, witty, thoughtful, and unbelievably creative and talented! 

• My parents: They loved us and worked very hard to provide us with food, clothing, health care, and shelter. On top of that, they nurtured our religious, spiritual, and moral growth; ensured we had the best education; broadened our life experience with travel across the US and in Europe; encouraged the development of our talents with sports, music, and other extracurricular activities and training; shared our cultural heritage (Irish American) and holiday traditions; and stressed the importance of family and friendship bonds and love.

• My husband: (Whom Pat introduced me to in the first place.) He is a wonderful, caring, loving, intelligent, creative, talented, and incredibly handsome (HOT!) man, wonderful father, and my best, best friend!

• My daughters: (One of whom wouldn't exist if it weren't for Pat introducing me to my husband.) They have both grown into beautiful, smart, witty, talented, creative, caring, kind, and loving young women.

• My father- and mother-in-law: I am so, so, so lucky to have great in-laws! I just adore them! They are loving, comforting, generous, and fun to be around. I am also very proud of my father-in-law in particular {and YOU KNOW WHY!}

• My sisters-in-law: Again, I am so damn lucky to have these gorgeous, kind, intelligent, and strong women in my life! I love and admire them. They set a great example for their children and my daughters. They inspire me to be a better woman myself!

• My brothers-in-law: They are all strong, intelligent, incredibly handsome, and fun to be around!

• My other relatives: I come from a wonderful family on both sides. Even though there is geographic distance between us, they are always close within my heart.

• My "Royal" Friends: (Whom I met exclusively through Pat.) They are kind, caring, thoughtful, generous, talented, smart, and completely fun to be around. [You know who you are!!]

• My Other Best Friends: They are also truly kind, caring, thoughtful, generous, talented, smart, and completely fun to be around.

• My Pets - Shade, Bella, and Sunny: Here are some pics that make me happy right now.

• LIFE: Even though there is sometimes suffering and pain, I am grateful...I am trying to be grateful, that is - that I am alive. That every day is a new day with new possibilities and hope. That I can see, hear, touch, and taste the physical world around me and if I'm quiet and still enough, can sense the world beyond.

What are you grateful for today?

The Vortex Vent

"Shadows of Us", by Karen Clarke
[My brother and I.]

So I am NOT doing a very good job of staying out of the Vortex. I am not handling this very well at all. Who would?, I suppose.

Quite often, I am a two-year old in the body of a 50-year old. Occasionally, though, I am a little bit strong. I am typically at my best when I am with my brother actively doing something to help him, talking to him, and/or just sitting next to him. On the other hand, I am at my worst - as today - when I am back at my own house. I feel empty, helpless, and hopeless.

I really, really, really wanted to share with you tips on protecting one's mental health when dealing with serious illness, dying, death, and grief, but I've got nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing to share from my own journey through this experience to inspire you and set a good example of self-care that helps you help others. I totally know it's wrong to say, but I don't really give a damn about my own mental or physical health at the moment.

I know what I should be doing, but I am simply unable [unwilling] to do it. I know well the metaphor of the importance of taking care of oneself in order to best help others - like a parent putting on their own oxygen mask before putting one on their child in an airplane emergency. I have loved tossing that one around at friends and family coping with caring for others, but now it feels trite.

Wait...Actually, now that I think about it, this blog post is a part of self care. Venting one's emotions, as painful as they are, is therapeutic. The other day, I was thinking about the myriad feelings and emotions I cycle through daily, and I wrote the poem below**. Writing that too was therapeutic. 

So I guess I do have a tip for you after all: write (or draw, etc.) your feelings and emotions - painful and dark as they may well be. Share them or not, just get them out of your head and onto a medium. It is a pressure release to prevent full throttle explosion as emotional pain and suffering continues to layer your heart.

-------------------------------------------------

**SAID POEM...


Like a sculptor working stone, pain carves me from the inside out –

rough-edged, 

broken,

torn.

I am angry. I rage 

                        and lash out like a fork-tongued serpent, fangs bared at the world.

I cry torrents of tears,

and thrash about like a wounded shark. 

I weep and wail til my heart’s squeezed dry. 

I am hollow.

I am full.

I am strong.

I am weak.

I am pain.

I am numb.

I am loss.

I am love.

I am grief.

The Ring of Fire

I love The Lord of the Rings - this movie and its trilogy; and I'm currently drawing on this particular scene (esp. first minute) for strength and courage. 

http://lotr.wikia.com/wiki/One_Ring

You see, like Frodo, I've been sent on a personal quest to carry my own ring, bear its increasing weight, and cast it once and for all into the fires of Mount Doom. 

Life is like that. There comes a time in all our lives when we are called upon to take up our own cross, bear its weight, and complete our quest. We never ask for it, and we are free to choose to accept it or to walk away. Either way, there is a price to pay; but one choice leads to strength, growth, love, and peace, and the other to weakness, fear, loneliness, and a nagging feeling of what could have been. 

Bear in mind, the journey is never an easy one. It's always fraught with this world's dragons, orcs, and wraiths. So how do we make it? How to we do it alone?


We don't.

We must create our own fellowship: friends, family, support groups, therapists, etc., who will walk with us along the way. There is strength in numbers.

We also need to recharge every now and then, for such a journey requires as much energy, strength, and focus as we can muster up. We all know how to do this - take care of ourselves physically, mentally, and spiritually. But that's easier said than done. When faced with such challenges, we often feel we need to focus all of our time and effort on completing the quest. We think we cannot afford the time, but the truth is, if we don't stop along the way to replenish ourselves, we will inevitably fail.

Here are only a few of the many, many resources out there that may help in your own quest:

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FELLOWSHIP


Addiction:

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Groups

Alcoholics Anonymous

Gamblers Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

Sex Addicts Anonymous

SAMHSA - National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357) - free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day/year treatment referral and information service (English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.

SAMHSA - Treatment Services Locator

Cancer:

Cancer Support Community

American Cancer Society

American Brain Tumor Association



Caregiving:

AARP Caregiving Resource Center

American Cancer Society



Grief and Loss:

The Hospice Foundation of America from which these links come:

The Compassionate Friends  Support after the death of a child

AARP Grief and Loss Resources  Support after the death of a senior

National Widower’s Organization  Support for men grieving a loss

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention  Support for suicide survivors

Griefnet.org  Support for adults grieving a loss

Hellogrief.org Support for adults and kids grieving a loss

Wise Old Sayings, "Ultimate Guide to Grieving Support Resources" 

     [Thank you Jacqueline T. - took a few years, but I finally added this great resource! ;) ]


Mental Illness:

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA)


National Alliance for the Mentall Ill

SAMHSA - National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357) - free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day/year treatment referral and information service (English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.


SAMHSA - Treatment Services Locator

schizophrenia.com

US Department of Veterans Affairs: PTSD Support Groups


Suicide and Crisis Lifelines:

National Suicide Hotline: chat online or call 24/7: 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line:  TEXT “HOME” TO 741-741



OTHER SELF-CARE

As you may well know, I have blogged endlessly about this topic - if only to drive it into my thick head. 

This is my favorite spiritual well:  Sacred Space

Here are blog posts I've done on "Wellness":

Renew and Refresh (4/5/15)
New Hobby (10/3/14)
CBT (6/29/14)
Physical Wellness - Getting Back on Track (5/3/14)
Pet Therapy (3/24/14)
Coming Out! (3/14/14)
The 7 Habits of Mental Wellness (about Stephen Covey's, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People):
 - Introduction to (1/25/14)
 - Habit 1: Be Proactive (2/2/14)
 - Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind (2/12/14)
 - Habit 3: Put First Things First (6/23/14)
Trip to Roanoke, Virginia:
 - Rain Clouds (10/12/13)
 - Roanoke (10/12/13)
 - Heading Home (10/14/13)
Never underestimate your own power! (2/26/13)
Acceptance (3/1/13)
Recovery step #2: sleep, damn it! (3/5/13)
Rebirth (3/30/13)
Wellness part I: physical (4/26/13)
Change is possible part II (6/27/13)
Seven steps to mental health (8/2/13)
Take me out to the ballgame! (8/12/13)
Climbing back up (8/18/13)

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I have only scratched the surface here of all the resources available out there. A quick search of Google.com or your favorite search engine is a great place to start!