Carousel in the Crazy House

Christian Ortiz, 2011

It's been two and a half years since I was partially hospitalized for depression and anxiety, and I'm still battling cognitive distortions and negative thinking everyday. It seems I was born with an internal radar system which, in the event that things are going well, will scan the horizon, home in and hyperfocus on the nearest negative thing.

Over the past few days, I've been thinking about this a lot, and about how our thoughts shape our experiences, in this moment and in the future. But it is so hard to catch myself when the negative filtering begins. It comes so naturally to me.

And it isn't just negative thinking that stops me up. I just spend way too much time in my head. Socrates said that "the unexamined life is not worth living", but I think the over-examined leads to insanity. Many people go through life blindly, on a self-made treadmill, letting things happen to them without considering why or the endless possibilities that exist for change. I, on the other hand, obsess over the "why" and the endless possibilities for growth and self-actualization - so much so, that I struggle to get started. I'm on a mental merry-go-round, waiting for the perfect moment to get off and move forward. But that moment never arrives.

My Own Worst Enemy

Boy, so much for back and blogging again...

I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I can't seem to get the creative juices flowing. In an effort to try to jump start things, I'm blogging today anyway.

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Well, good things are starting to happen in my life with career and school. I may have a job, granted, as an Executive Assistant in an unrelated field, but a great job nonetheless. I've also been given some fantastic leadership opportunities in my professional association which are quite an honor.

So why do I feel so damn unworthy? Why do I feel like an undeserving fraud? Why can I not let good things come my way, let myself succeed, be grateful, and enjoy it?!

You know, I'm absolutely terrified of flying. From the airport check-in on, I feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm always certain that mine is the flight that will go down. Even though I know the safety statistics and have flown many times, I'm afraid that if I sit back, relax, and enjoy it all, that is precisely when the plane will crash. My psyche becomes a sacrificial virgin to the god of flight.

So too am I afraid that if I do become happy, successful, and enjoy life, that is precisely when it'll all hit the fan: the house fire, the death of a loved one, the fatal diagnosis, or all out nuclear war...

Will I ever just let myself be happy?

Eleanor Roosevelt & Me

Do one thing every day that scares you.

 - Eleanor Roosevelt                                  

I love this quote. The challenge of it thrills and scares me at the same time. I repeat this quote incessantly to my daughter when she is afraid to try something new.

Recently, I've been using it as my mantra to get off my butt and live life to the fullest. Here are some examples. They may be easy for the majority of people, but they have terrified me:

Tubing on Lake Norman, North Carolina

When we recently visited friends in North Carolina (see Life is Good), they took us out on the lake for a boat ride and some tubing. It wasn't the tubing that was scary. It was the being in the lake part that scared the bajeebies out of me! 

Lake Norman's average depth is 33.5 ft - 110 ft at the deepest. Though I know it is illogical, that fact scares me. I think of the depth below. I think of the animal life below and all those eyes looking up at me!! I think of the movies Jaws and Friday the 13th - and the Loch Ness Monster, for crying out loud!

My daughter didn't want to go, even though I encouraged her to try it. Then I remembered, "Eleanor Roosevelt". I knew I had to set the example. I shouted, "Eleanor Roosevelt" (and explained it to my friends!), and on the tube I went! Yes, it did flip over at one point; and yes, my feet were dangling about 34 feet above the lake bottom - for all eyes to see! But, I did it - and I actually had fun.

Then, yesterday. My family and I went to my sister- and brother-in-law's 10-year anniversary/vow renewal celebration. It was a catered event with a dj. The day was gorgeous, the ceremony so beautiful that half the audience was in tears, and dinner was exquisite! Then came the...dancing. 

Now let me tell you: I have never been the first to hit the dance floor. Shaking my thang has always scared the crap out of me! In fact, as an active alcoholic, I used to drink my way onto a dance floor - two drinks usually did the trick.

With no (alcoholic) drink in hand, and having endured the corpus humiliation (see Gotta Be a Loser) of the dressing room the day before, I was less than thrilled about getting my groove on with all the younger, slimmer women out there. My husband, Fred Astaire (a.k.a., LMFAO's Adam Goldstein, for the younger readers), hit the floor immediately and beckoned me out there. 

No way. No way, no way, NO WAY was I going! Until she came to mind. "Eleanor Roosevelt!", I muttered out loud, and I began a-shufflin'! (Sorry the pics are a little blurry...)

Once again, I ended up having a blast!

Finally, today, it wasn't something that scared me, really. It was something that daunted me - exercise. Once again, Eleanor got me off my butt...off the couch, into shorts, and out for a walk-run in the woods!

So, this is my goal for the next 30 days: every day do something that scares me...and see what happens!

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Dear Reader:

Do you have any mantras or other techniques you use to get you through something that scares you?

Why don't you join me in this challenge and feel free to share your comments and experiences here or on PHTA's Facebook page!

I'd love to hear from you. I mean it! 

Social Anxiety

Boy, if any marketing ad ever got it right, it's Nike: Just Do It!

This is the treatment for social anxiety and other anxiety disorders; and yet, this is the one thing someone with anxiety just CAN'T do!

I am going through this mental dance right now. I have been experiencing social angst again, and it's beginning to affect my daily routine. Yet, I know I simply have to do what I think I can't - commute, go to work, spend time with friends and family, etc. 

This is my big goal for the week. To face the fear and do it anyway.... as much as I know I'm going to hate it. I want to be well, more than I want to be comfortable...but boy is it gonna suck!

Next Right Thing #1

As I mentioned in Sunday night's blog, I am struggling to keep up in school this semester. Maybe it was too soon to return after coming off of disability for major depression and anxiety disorder. Maybe, but I wonder too if it isn't something else.

You see, succeeding in school would mean graduating; and graduating would mean transferring to an even bigger academic program at a bigger university; and graduating from there would mean...becoming a professional in my intended field. So why should that scare and intimidate me so? That's what I want, isn't it? Or is it?

Completing all my degrees would mean that there are no more obstacles between me and my profession. It would mean, "Show time!" It would mean that I finally arrived and that if I fail at what I do, it counts, it really counts. It would mean that I am saying to the world this is me, this is who I am, and if I failed to meet up to expectations, I would be exposed to big criticism and really would be a failure. You see, if you fail on the journey to the destination, it isn't failure, just a set-back. But when you are in the profession - when you've arrived - you better put up or shut up...and I am so afraid of failing "on stage."

Does any of this make sense to you?

I am scared, but my rational mind {all of two neurons dedicated to reasoning, that ordinarily chill out in my head until randomly called to duty at times like this}...yes, my rational mind tells me that this is crazy talk and I simply must forge ahead and trust that I will be able to handle the challenges along the way and in my profession.

So do I cave in to fear, yet again, or do I trust that the path will unfold before me? What is the next right thing to do?

Overcoming...inertia!

In the past week, I seem to have lost direction, and I have been struggling to stay on top of things. After suffering the major depression of last fall, and then experiencing a resurrection of my true self in the past few months, I now hyper-analyze every dip in the road, for fear it is the dragon coming up from the vortex to consume me. What I seem to have forgotten is that "normal" people struggle with everyday things too. 

As you may already know from previous posts, I returned to college this semester; and I started out with a bang, feeling empowered and doing very well. But now, I find myself mid-semester and a little behind {also a "normal" thing, or so my husband reassures me}. In the past, anxiety and negative thoughts would feed on this, deride me for getting behind, and convince me that no matter what I did, I'd be humiliated and shamed.

Today, I'm going to try something new. Even though I am behind, I will not run from it - I will face it head on {and yes, it still scares the bajeebies out of me!} I will not skip class because I am afraid of what others are thinking, I will study what I can today, and see where it takes me.

Dear reader,

Please don't let me do this alone. Is there something you have been putting off that you know would be good for you, good for your personal growth? Is it something that scares you a little, but you know if you did it you'd feel better about yourself, stronger, more confident? Then do it! And if you're feeling particularly bold, please do share with us in the comments!  ;)