Next Right Thing #1

As I mentioned in Sunday night's blog, I am struggling to keep up in school this semester. Maybe it was too soon to return after coming off of disability for major depression and anxiety disorder. Maybe, but I wonder too if it isn't something else.

You see, succeeding in school would mean graduating; and graduating would mean transferring to an even bigger academic program at a bigger university; and graduating from there would mean...becoming a professional in my intended field. So why should that scare and intimidate me so? That's what I want, isn't it? Or is it?

Completing all my degrees would mean that there are no more obstacles between me and my profession. It would mean, "Show time!" It would mean that I finally arrived and that if I fail at what I do, it counts, it really counts. It would mean that I am saying to the world this is me, this is who I am, and if I failed to meet up to expectations, I would be exposed to big criticism and really would be a failure. You see, if you fail on the journey to the destination, it isn't failure, just a set-back. But when you are in the profession - when you've arrived - you better put up or shut up...and I am so afraid of failing "on stage."

Does any of this make sense to you?

I am scared, but my rational mind {all of two neurons dedicated to reasoning, that ordinarily chill out in my head until randomly called to duty at times like this}...yes, my rational mind tells me that this is crazy talk and I simply must forge ahead and trust that I will be able to handle the challenges along the way and in my profession.

So do I cave in to fear, yet again, or do I trust that the path will unfold before me? What is the next right thing to do?

Finding My "Thing"

I am suffering from writer's block...

I'm completely exhausted. I got less than 4 hours sleep last night. I went to bed too late, then got up in the wee hours of the morning to cheer on my husband in the Cherry Blossom 10-Mile Run in Washington, DC. Race time was 7:30 AM.

Smithsonian Castle on the National Mall,
Washington, DC - 8:45 AM EDT
Awaiting my 10-miler's return!

I love going to his races to support him. I love supporting my daughters as well in their sporting events and performances. But lately I have also been wondering, what is it that I do? 

Somewhere along the line I lost touch with who I am. Some of these feelings are typical for a woman my age {46.5}, but I know much of it too is the residue of depression. Over the years, as my soul slowly leached out of me, with it went hobbies and the things I enjoy doing. And as an alcoholic, these things became replaced with a garnet potion.

Now that I am sober, and on the mend - rediscovering life around me and rediscovering me - I find myself asking: What is my thing? What is it that I like doing? I did start blogging in the new year, and I like it a lot; but what else? I have limited free-time between work and school, but surely there is some activity that can add to my joy. Finding out is going to be my next mission!

Believe You Can

or..he believed he could so he did! ;)

I have a short paper, a part of another paper, and a mid-term due this week, and I am having trouble settling down to work on them. It's not like these are classes I hate, in fact, I love them. But I seem to have myself psyched into thinking that I will hate working on them - that it will only be drudgery...when in reality...

I think I am really going to enjoy this learning experience...and I will be proud of my achievement when completed...Okay, that's it - I'm off to go work on it!

Challenge of the day: work on something important that you have been putting off - and see how you feel afterwards.

Got it? Okay, let's go!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3/24/13

So, how did it go with the studying yesterday? Take a look and see for yourself:

Then finally...

my husband snuck this shot of me

...progress not perfection! I got away from the distraction {my laptop}, changed scenery, and voila! The reading flowed!

You see, you first have to believe that you can do it, but know that when you start to do it, obstacles will come your way - and yes, often the obstacle is YOU. Believe in yourself; set a goal; start the work; and when you get stuck, change your approach and course correct. That is the recipe for success.

Overcoming...inertia!

In the past week, I seem to have lost direction, and I have been struggling to stay on top of things. After suffering the major depression of last fall, and then experiencing a resurrection of my true self in the past few months, I now hyper-analyze every dip in the road, for fear it is the dragon coming up from the vortex to consume me. What I seem to have forgotten is that "normal" people struggle with everyday things too. 

As you may already know from previous posts, I returned to college this semester; and I started out with a bang, feeling empowered and doing very well. But now, I find myself mid-semester and a little behind {also a "normal" thing, or so my husband reassures me}. In the past, anxiety and negative thoughts would feed on this, deride me for getting behind, and convince me that no matter what I did, I'd be humiliated and shamed.

Today, I'm going to try something new. Even though I am behind, I will not run from it - I will face it head on {and yes, it still scares the bajeebies out of me!} I will not skip class because I am afraid of what others are thinking, I will study what I can today, and see where it takes me.

Dear reader,

Please don't let me do this alone. Is there something you have been putting off that you know would be good for you, good for your personal growth? Is it something that scares you a little, but you know if you did it you'd feel better about yourself, stronger, more confident? Then do it! And if you're feeling particularly bold, please do share with us in the comments!  ;)