Cracking the Shell

Exactly one year ago yesterday, my husband took me to the emergency room, because I hadn't gotten out of bed in two weeks and because I shared with him that I had comforting fantasies about falling down the stairs or off a building.

I recall sitting there in the emergency waiting room, along with the broken arm, seizure, and heart attack cases thinking that I was just taking up precious hospital time when they had other patients to care for that were far worse than I. Never mind the fact that I had been considering permanently removing myself to get out of everyone's way.

I remember looking around the room at all the faces, the people with trauma, the pregnant women in labor, the families concerned about loved ones...it all seemed surreal at that point. I was hollow on the inside and I was using up most of my energy just to sit slumped in a vinyl-padded chair.

When the check-in nurse called my name, I drifted across the room like a ghost. She looked up at me and asked, "Are you thinking of hurting anyone? Are you thinking of hurting yourself?" To the former, of course not! I'd never hurt anyone else. In fact, I didn't trust myself on a Metro platform because I didn't want to risk mentally scarring or hurting the Metrorail driver if ever I...fell. And hurt myself? The adverb "now" seemed implied, so I replied "No". Had she added "recently" or "lately" or "will you in the next 24 hours", I'd have to say "yes".

When they finally called me back, I remember just being embarrassed. Like I had no right to take up bed space. I felt ashamed that I couldn't just get off my ass and get on with life.

Finally the doctor came in. He was one of the kindest doctors I've ever met. He gently asked, "How are you doing?" Putting his hand on my shoulder, he sat down on the bed next to me. That simple gesture of compassion cracked my emotionless shell. With a lump in my throat, I proceeded to share my story.

Bottom line, I was referred to the Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) at the hospital's Behavioral Health Services. And thus began my journey back to me.

Fast forward to today. I am feeling down again - not nearly like I was that fateful day, but down. I was even beginning to wonder if the medication is not working; however, the truth is, I am well overall. I now have the tools to get myself up again; and that's just what I'm gonna do.

Pink Hi-Top Adventures

The Far Side®, by Gary Larson

For those of you new to this blog, I thought I'd give you a little background. Pink Hi-Top Adventures is my first blog ever! I started it back in January 2013 as a chronicle of my ongoing recovery from depression, anxiety, and alcoholism. 

Almost eight years ago, I entered treatment for alcohol addiction. At the time, I thought it would resolve whatever it was inside that was stopping me from moving forward in life; however, it only drained the pool and uncovered the disease within.

Though I had been anxious and depressed but functioning for years, I finally imploded a year ago. I spent about three weeks in bed - unable to work, unable to shower, unable to function. My thoughts were turning darker too. I fantasized about death and hurting myself; and for the first time ever, it felt comforting and logical.

When I shared this with my {wonderful!} husband, he reached out to my therapist; and I was admitted to a partial hospitalization treatment program {PHP}. There I was diagnosed with major depression, dysthymia {long-term, low-grade depression}, and generalized anxiety disorder. Fortunately, I was treated by wonderful doctors and therapists; and, though I've experienced periodic set-backs along the way, I've been doing better overall since.

This blog is a chronicle of my continuous recovery and progress toward achieving my goals - one of which is graduating from college with a psychology degree. {I've been in college - on and off - since September 1984; and graduating would be quite an achievement indeed!} I also hope to inspire and inform with personal stories, resources, and a little humor!

The blog title is inspired by my favorite pair of Converse Chuck Taylor’s that I wore when I last felt my happiest and freest. 

And finally, Pink Hi-Top Adventures is a place for you too. Please feel free to comment and discuss - either in the comments section of this blog, or on the blog's Facebook page!

Thanks for reading!

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Here is an overview of some of my favorite posts from the past six months:

Addiction:

Thoughts from my addiction (2/27/13)
Alcoholic or problem drinker? (3/14/13)
How do you help and addict (6/19/13)
Take me out to the ballgame! (8/12/13)

Anxiety:

Obstacles (5/22/13)
Social Anxiety (5/29/13)

Depression:

Notes from the Vortex (2/11/13)
Life (3/7/13)
Lifeline (3/8/13)
Grey veil...again?! (3/16/13)
Overcoming...inertia! (3/19/13)
Can't sleep (4/23/13)
Do the next right thing - part II (4/25/13)
The daily struggle (6/6/13)
Taking down the wall (6/7/13)
Contained emotions (6/13/13)

Stigma:

"Nervous breakdown" (3/6/13)
Depression is not a character defect (3/27/13)

Wellness:

Never underestimate your own power! (2/26/13)
Acceptance (3/1/13)
Recovery step #2: sleep, damn it! (3/5/13)
Rebirth (3/30/13)
Wellness part I: physical (4/26/13)
Change is possible part II (6/27/13)
Seven steps to mental health (8/2/13)
Take me out to the ballgame! (8/12/13)
Climbing back up (8/18/13)

The Cycling Vortex

The Vortex isn’t always my bed / bedroom. It apparently takes on different forms. It’s like a worm hole in space that can take one to an alternate time / dimension.  It’s a place where reality bends on itself and nothing normal makes sense anymore.

The Vortex seizes my mind and body and I am rendered inept, and all I want to do is condense myself into a single point like a black hole.

I am in the Vortex again, frickin’ again!

I am also beginning to wonder if lately it’s a little cyclical, i.e., monthly. I seem to be in the Vortex, or fighting to avoid its gravity, at about the same time each lunar month (29.5 days).

I don’t think even Eleanor Roosevelt could get me out of it right now.

P.S. – Please don’t worry about me Greg and Joan. I have enough recovery in me to know that this too shall pass.

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You know what I just realized, if you haven't been following my blog and are just now reading it, the above probably makes absolutely NO sense! The Vortex is my nickname for a state of depression. (See the link in the blog's second word.) For the reference to Eleanor Roosevelt, see a link in her name. 

Balance

How quickly things fall apart!

Balance is the hardest thing for me to achieve. I know it can never be perfect, but my addictive tendencies do get the best of me. When I start working in one area of my life, it always seems to be to the detriment of other areas. I pour myself into school work, and the house falls apart. I focus on relationships, and school falls apart. I spend too much time on the internet, and it all falls apart!

My goal this week is to rein things in and get closer to achieving true balance.

On another note, I haven't forgotten the Eleanor Roosevelt quote. Today's thing that I am going to do that scares me: go to class. Don't know why, but I have a little anxiety about going to Group Dynamics this afternoon. 

What is the one thing you are going to do today that scares you?

Eleanor Roosevelt & Me

Do one thing every day that scares you.

 - Eleanor Roosevelt                                  

I love this quote. The challenge of it thrills and scares me at the same time. I repeat this quote incessantly to my daughter when she is afraid to try something new.

Recently, I've been using it as my mantra to get off my butt and live life to the fullest. Here are some examples. They may be easy for the majority of people, but they have terrified me:

Tubing on Lake Norman, North Carolina

When we recently visited friends in North Carolina (see Life is Good), they took us out on the lake for a boat ride and some tubing. It wasn't the tubing that was scary. It was the being in the lake part that scared the bajeebies out of me! 

Lake Norman's average depth is 33.5 ft - 110 ft at the deepest. Though I know it is illogical, that fact scares me. I think of the depth below. I think of the animal life below and all those eyes looking up at me!! I think of the movies Jaws and Friday the 13th - and the Loch Ness Monster, for crying out loud!

My daughter didn't want to go, even though I encouraged her to try it. Then I remembered, "Eleanor Roosevelt". I knew I had to set the example. I shouted, "Eleanor Roosevelt" (and explained it to my friends!), and on the tube I went! Yes, it did flip over at one point; and yes, my feet were dangling about 34 feet above the lake bottom - for all eyes to see! But, I did it - and I actually had fun.

Then, yesterday. My family and I went to my sister- and brother-in-law's 10-year anniversary/vow renewal celebration. It was a catered event with a dj. The day was gorgeous, the ceremony so beautiful that half the audience was in tears, and dinner was exquisite! Then came the...dancing. 

Now let me tell you: I have never been the first to hit the dance floor. Shaking my thang has always scared the crap out of me! In fact, as an active alcoholic, I used to drink my way onto a dance floor - two drinks usually did the trick.

With no (alcoholic) drink in hand, and having endured the corpus humiliation (see Gotta Be a Loser) of the dressing room the day before, I was less than thrilled about getting my groove on with all the younger, slimmer women out there. My husband, Fred Astaire (a.k.a., LMFAO's Adam Goldstein, for the younger readers), hit the floor immediately and beckoned me out there. 

No way. No way, no way, NO WAY was I going! Until she came to mind. "Eleanor Roosevelt!", I muttered out loud, and I began a-shufflin'! (Sorry the pics are a little blurry...)

Once again, I ended up having a blast!

Finally, today, it wasn't something that scared me, really. It was something that daunted me - exercise. Once again, Eleanor got me off my butt...off the couch, into shorts, and out for a walk-run in the woods!

So, this is my goal for the next 30 days: every day do something that scares me...and see what happens!

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Dear Reader:

Do you have any mantras or other techniques you use to get you through something that scares you?

Why don't you join me in this challenge and feel free to share your comments and experiences here or on PHTA's Facebook page!

I'd love to hear from you. I mean it! 

Gotta Be a Loser

Okay folks, I'm done with myself...again!

You see, my beautiful sister-in-law and her adorable husband are renewing their vows tomorrow in celebration of their 10-year anniversary. There will be a grand party afterwards - not as formal as a wedding, but dressier than casual.

Last night, I tried on every dress I owned and NONE of them would even zip partially up the back!

This morning, for morbid curiosity, I weighed myself and I am a ripe 175 lbs!! An all-time, all-time high for me!

This evening, I went to the local department store to try desperately to find something I could wear. Out of 15 dresses, here were a couple of the best:

Grandma Fletcher

Stripes?! What was I thinking?!

I finally settled on a zipperless, waistless tent dress...

I can't even show you the other selections - just too embarrassing - and mind you, all of those I tried on were in a larger size than I have ever worn. I truly hit bottom - a BIG bottom today!

Right after I left, I went to Starbucks to drown my sorrows; and it was there that I decided I would begin to get back on track immediately. Rather than order the usual venti coffee with half-and-half and sugar, I ordered a venti unsweetened passion iced tea.

Pure heaven! I think I've fallen in love! 

For dinner, I had salad with light dressing and chicken breast; but then, things fell apart...

...oh well. Pick yourself up and move on tomorrow, Karen.

Rainy Days and...Tuesdays

Ugh! It is raining, hot, and über humid outside; and I am lethargic and struggling. Why is it such an effort some days?!

After yesterday's post about going back to school (see Back to School!), and about progress, not perfection and action, not procrastination, I find myself stuck like a dirty old boot in the mud. With four classes this semester, I have plenty of reading to do, but all I can muster up is a walk from my nouveau Vortex on the family room couch to the sauna patio.

Unfortunately, I don't have school today, and I'm left to my own devices for scheduling my day. Wide open swaths of time are the death of me. 

Okay, Karen. Stop! I have a choice to make here. I can choose to wallow all day, watch YouTube videos or reality TV reruns, and take another nap; OR I can turn the TV off, get up from the couch, get washed and dressed, and read some of my text books. 

I've exhausted the former many times before, and I know exactly where it'll get me - a slow descent into dysthymia. If, on the other hand, I choose the latter, I will feel a little better at the end of the day and will feel a lot better tomorrow when I am prepared for my classes! I don't have to do it perfectly, I just have to start and see where it takes me.

Okay, I'll give it a try.

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Hey! Is there anything you are procrastinating that you know you should do because it will be good for you, help you in the long run, and make you feel better about yourself? What is holding you back? Why don't you take a little piece of it and do it now - or sometime today at the latest. 

As I've said before, feel free to comment - even if you are my spouse! ;)