a heavy heart

Dear Readers:

Yes, I am waaaay behind schedule...

again.

I am - my family and friends are - overwhelmed with a dear, dear loved one's critical illness. Everyday, I try to muster up the strength and courage to maintain optimism, hope, and and positive energy. Sometimes, however, the weight is far too great and I fall apart on the floor of my darkened bedroom and wail for an hour.

My heart is in a perpetual state of breaking...

Sleep is the only respite. Then I wake up in the morning and remember the monster that awaits. So, I put one foot in front of the other and start all over again. 

Thus, my plans of revamping this blog, creating a website for it, and creating recovery tools for my etsy shop, have been stalled for the time being. 

I am very surprised, however, that I am not having a complete breakdown right now - a testament to medication, I suppose. That and amazing and supportive friends and family!

I will return to blogging again, however. I know it is good for my mental health, and hopefully you get something out of it too.

Love,

Karen

HEY!

{If you're new to this blog, check out this post in the meantime: Pink Hi-Top Adventures. Thanks for stopping by!)

Dear Readers: 

Sorry I've been offline a lot during these past several months. With this blog now 3.5 years old, I've been thinking about ways to improve and enhance the content and presentation.

I LOVE blogging! It's been very therapeutic these past few years, but I've reached the point where I want to go beyond that and dive deeper into providing more education, resources, and wellness tools to support YOU - from my perspective as a patient and psychology undergrad. {Please, please always keep this in mind - I am not a professional, i.e., clinician, professor, doctor, therapist, etc.}

So, I'm currently in the process of serious planning, prep, and writing, but don't you worry! I'll be returning in June.

In the meantime, if YOU have any ideas or suggestions for topics, etc., please, please feel free to drop me a note here, on the Facebook page - Pink Hi-Top Adventures, or by email at: 
pink.hi.tops@gmail.com.

See you soon!

Love, Karen

Everybody Dies, But Not Everybody Lives (Call To Action)

{Crikey - here {I hope} is the correct link!}

Everybody Dies...

Singing the praises of this from the rafters today! 

Just what I needed to hear and I wanted to share it with YOU.  

WATCH and listen. 

Then watch and LISTEN again. 

THINK about the message.

Then get out and DO!

Are you truly living? If not, what is holding you back? 

How can you remove or go around, over, or through any obstacles in your way?

Food for thought...

The Grey Veil Descends

I'm still working on the alcohol posts that I promised. They are coming, really, it's just that the grey veil of depression has been slowly descending on me once again. Last week in particular, I expended more energy than I had just to accomplish the bare minimum.

So as therapy and to continue to shine light on the darkness, today's topic is:

MAJOR DEPRESSION

Serotonin (one of the happy 

neurotransmitters) t-shirt. 

I lost it...

One of the most pervasive mental illnesses is major depression. Almost 7% of all Americans above 18 have at least one episode each year. Like most things, though, there are gradations. At one extreme, are those theoretical individuals who are self-actualized and physically well - who are continually optimistic and roll with life's punches as they come. (I have yet to meet any of them, by the way.) At the other extreme, of course, are those who are suicidal. Most people who experience major depression fall somewhere in between. {I know there is data on this...I'll dig some up in the future. No energy for it now...}

As I’ve mentioned before, depression, the illness, is much more than being sad or "having the blues" induced by a negative life event. It's systemic, altering emotions, cognition, body function, energy, and soul.

DEPRESSION AND 

...me                                                

If you have experienced or are experiencing major depression, you can probably relate. Though I'm not experiencing all of these symptoms now, when I am or have been in a major depressive period, it feels like this:

1. Physically:
• I’m tired more than usual, and take frequent naps.
• Even when awake, it feels like I’m wearing a lead suit. Just trying to get out of bed or off the couch is overwhelming.



...just noticed he Coke too.

• Sometimes I eat a lot of junk food, and other times I eat practically nothing. For example, last week, I bought a small birthday cake - because why do you have to wait for birthdays to buy one - and I ate 3/4 of it in one night! (The other 1/4, the next day.)
• Doing any task takes forever. 
2. Mentally:
• Negative thoughts cycle around my head continuously like trapped flies in a jar.
• I scan the past and present for evidence that I am inherently flawed.
• I am easily distracted and have trouble staying focused - more than usual.
• But I hyperfocus on the negative.
3. Emotionally:
• I'm volatile.
• I easily get irate, though only in the presence of close family, for fear of confrontation with or rejection by friends, colleagues, and others.
• I don’t necessarily cry a lot, although I sometimes do.
• I personalize everything and become very, very sensitive to criticism.
• I tend to hyperfocus on people, negative news and issues in society, pop culture, politics, etc. that make me angry or upset. This in turn feeds my vision of a futile future for me, humanity, and the world.
• I hate myself.
• I wish I could disappear.
4. Socially:
• I worry, annoy, aggravate, and frustrate loved ones and friends, making it difficult for them to be around me, listen to my irrational thoughts, or even find me attractive. Subsequently, I feel even more unlovable.
• My personality flatlines, but I hide behind a smiling mask when interacting with others – even at times my family.
• Maintaining the above façade takes an enormous amount of energy and subsequently I drop out of life.
5. Work/School:
• Given #s 1-4, therefore, I frequently absent from classes and/or work days. Once again, I feel even worse as negative thoughts get further ingrained.
• When I am able to work or go to school in spite of depression:
• I am more forgetful.
• I feel less competent, make careless mistakes, and of course, feel even worse, which makes me feel even more incompetent having once again proven that I truly am incompetent. {...and I am more likely to write run-on sentences too.}
• I miss deadlines (e.g., this blog)
• I'm less confident and I project it; I shrink, rather than assert.
6. Self-Care: 
• I don’t care about my appearance and want to blend into the background and go under the radar. 
• I shower infrequently.
• My hair is plain and unstyled, and I wear no make-up. Not that I go overboard on these when I’m feeling well, but I definitely hide myself, lest I be judged. (I can’t be judged if I’m invisible.) This lack of attention to physical appearance is more about hiding and shame, than it is about preferring less or no make-up and wanting to express a more natural appearance. (The latter would be self-confidence. One can be very depressed and hide behind make-up and hair.)
• Finally, my clothing is subdued and "good enough" to get by. I dress to blend into the background.

Oh, and I hide, hide, HIDE this from loved ones, friends, and even therapists. It's counter-intuitive, but I'm keenly aware what a burden my depressive symptoms, so I try to manage it myself. And well, I'm sure you know how successful that approach is. 

So, that's it in a nutshell. I will tell you one thing though. In spite of my mood downturn, I have written many, many draft posts on several different mental health topics - including alcohol. Stay tuned.

REFERENCE

(in sloppy, non-academic format...)

* http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/prevalence/major-depression-among-adults.shtml  “Major Depression Among Adults”,  National Institutes of Health (NIH), National Institute of Mental Health.

Pink Hi-Top Adventures

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Pink Hi-Top Adventures is my first blog ever. Started back in January 2013, it's a chronicle of my ongoing recovery from depression, anxiety, and alcoholism. 

About ten years ago, I entered treatment for alcohol addiction; and at the time, I thought this was the source of all my problems - that this was the thing holding me back. Though alcohol played a very, very LARGE role, I discovered that addiction was only the tip of the iceberg. Recovery drained the pond, and exposed the real disease at the bottom.

Growing up, I was always anxious and often depressed, but I thought this was the normal state of things. I certainly didn't think I had a disorder. I just assumed I was innately flawed, abnormal, weird, and didn't fit in. This self-concept stuck with me through adulthood.

Then, three and a half years ago, I finally imploded. I spent three weeks in bed - unable to work, unable to shower, unable to function. My thoughts were turning darker too. I fantasized about death and hurting myself; and for the first time ever, it felt comforting and logical.

Fortunately, I shared this with my husband {in passing}. He reached out to my therapist; and after an ER visit, I was whisked into a partial hospitalization treatment program {PHP}. There, I was diagnosed with major depression, dysthymia {long-term, low-grade depression}, and generalized anxiety disorder. I was {am} very lucky to have a very supportive husband; and at PHP, the doctors and therapists were wonderfully caring guides as I started down the path to wellness.  

A few months later, I started this blog to chronicle my continuous recovery and progress toward achieving my goals - one of which is graduating from college with a psychology degree and substance abuse counseling certificate. Writing is part of my ongoing therapy, but I also hope it will inspire and inform you, dear reader, along the way with personal stories, education, and wellness tools.

The blog title, by the way, is inspired by my favorite pair of Converse Chuck Taylor’s that I wore at one particular time in my youth when I felt happy and free.

Also, about two weeks ago, I opened an etsy shop - an offshoot of this blog: PinkHiTopAdventures In addition to earning some cash for college, the goal is to "Encourage mental wellness through creativity." Check it out. Note that I'll be adding more craft and art supplies every week, and later this year, I'll release a wellness tool of my own.  

Finally, it's my hope that Pink Hi-Top Adventures becomes a place for you to share too. Please feel free to comment and discuss - either here or on the blog's Facebook page. Connect with me on Twitter - @pinkhitops84, or by email at pink.hi.tops@gmail.com.

Thanks for reading!

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HEY!!!

***It is important to note that I write as a person with mental illness and as an undergraduate, psychology/addiction counseling student. I am not a professional. This blog should never be a substitute for psychological or medical help, although in it, you'll find some resources and links to organizations who can help.*** 

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INDEX OF SOME OF MY FAVORITE POSTS:

LOVE, Goddammit!

World Domination Plan (March something, 2016) ;)

ADD:

One Step at a Time (9/28/13)


Addiction:

Alcoholic or problem drinker? (10/14/15)
READ THIS BLOG POST - IF NO OTHER!!!! (10/7/15)
Crossing the bridge and letting go... (9/29/15)
The Anonymous People (9/14/14)
The Raging River (3/13/14)
Thoughts from my addiction (2/27/13)
How do you help and addict (6/19/13)
Take me out to the ballgame! (8/12/13)


Anxiety:

Carousel in the Crazy House (4/12/15)
Thoughts (7/7/14)
Obstacles (5/22/13)
Social Anxiety (5/29/13)



Depression:

KC's Top 10 (11/11/15)
Depression (10/7/14)
Depression Sucks! (11/24/13)
Symptoms of Depression (10/28/13)
Notes from the Vortex (2/11/13)
Life (3/7/13)
Lifeline (3/8/13)
Grey veil...again?! (3/16/13)
Overcoming...inertia! (3/19/13)
Can't sleep (4/23/13)
Do the next right thing - part II (4/25/13)
The daily struggle (6/6/13)
Taking down the wall (6/7/13)
Contained emotions (6/13/13)



Schizophrenia:

Schizophrenia (10/9/14)


Stigma:

It IS an Illness (10/7/14)
Medication Stigma (4/29/14)
"Nervous breakdown" (3/6/13)
Depression is not a character defect (3/27/13)



Wellness:

KC's Top 10 (11/11/15)
Renew and Refresh (4/5/15)
New Hobby (10/3/14)
CBT (6/29/14)
Physical Wellness - Getting Back on Track (5/3/14)
Pet Therapy (3/24/14)
Coming Out! (3/14/14)
The 7 Habits of Mental Wellness (about Stephen Covey's, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People):
 - Introduction to (1/25/14)
 - Habit 1: Be Proactive (2/2/14)
 - Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind (2/12/14)
 - Habit 3: Put First Things First (6/23/14)
Trip to Roanoke, Virginia:
 - Rain Clouds (10/12/13)
 - Roanoke (10/12/13)
 - Heading Home (10/14/13)
Never underestimate your own power! (2/26/13)
Acceptance (3/1/13)
Recovery step #2: sleep, damn it! (3/5/13)
Rebirth (3/30/13)
Wellness part I: physical (4/26/13)
Change is possible part II (6/27/13)
Seven steps to mental health (8/2/13)
Take me out to the ballgame! (8/12/13)
Climbing back up (8/18/13)

The "I Don't Know What to Call It" Post for Spirit Sunday, First Edition

I do love this quote, but...

when I've been in the throws of depression, and when I was an actively using alcoholic, I felt (and sometimes still feel) like I had (have) very few talents. I felt like I didn't fit in - that the world would be better off without me, that I've been a liability to my family and a drain on my friendships, and that perhaps God* may have made a mistake letting me slip by on the assembly line. 

In addition, now that I'm in recovery and six months away from turning 50, very, very often I feel like I've wasted any talent I was given and wonder if it's too late to start applying it. 

I know intellectually, that this is not true. If someone else told me this about themselves, I'd say that it's nonsense and I'd do my best to help them see things more clearly.

Easier said than done, though, when these thoughts are on auto replay in your own head. 

Yes, I do realize how flawed thinking like this, negative rumination, and self-deprecation cause one to spiral downward and inward and away from connection with God and Life. And I do truly believe that, just because my spiritual antenna is malfunctioning, doesn't mean God isn't broadcasting. 

If only I could fix this damn antenna for good. I can't help but feel that I'm running out of time.

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*For writing ease, I'll use the spiritual terminology with which I'm most familiar. I'm fully aware, however, of the diversity and breadth of human spirituality. Please replace "God", for example, with Creator, Allah, Hashem, Great Spirit, Universal Power, etc. as suits your philosophy or beliefs. :) 

Spirit Sunday

Happy Easter and a Happy {belated} Vernal Equinox to all!

Spring is the season in which life emerges from death - renewed, refreshed, and beautiful. For us too, the journey through life is punctuated with little deaths along the way; and if we choose to accept it and move forward through our own suffering and struggles, we too will emerge renewed, refreshed, beautiful - and transformed.

Depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses thwart this transformation, keeping the individual trapped in a perpetual cycle of suffering. If one can accept and move through her/his disorder, however, she/he too can eventually emerge renewed and transformed.

Of the many tools which can help break the cycle and catalyze transformation, is spirituality. According to Lolak, Minor, Jafari, & Puchalski (2016), spirituality is defined as the "...ways in which individuals seek and express meaning and purpose...and connectedness to the moment, to self, to others, to nature, and to the significant or sacred." 

Though spirituality is not the equivalent of religion, most true [i.e., non-wacky packy] religions nurture the spirit and provide individuals with the guidance and opportunity to live a spiritual life. There are myriad other non-religious ways to nurture the Spirit as well: nature, art, good literature, love, contemplation, meditation, etc. All people can experience spirituality.

While current scientific data on the mental health benefits is mixed, there is a growing acceptance among practitioners and patients that prayer, meditation, and spiritual contemplation are a critical component of whole-person treatment, and can be beneficial in improving health and quality of life. (Lolak, Minor, Jafari, & Puchalski, 2016)*

Okay, that said...

Starting next week, each Sunday, I'm going to share some spiritual fuel for mental health. The sole purpose is to offer you more resources for your mental health tool kit. I won't be preaching, and I have no intention of turning this blog into a platform for theological debate. I'm going to do my damnedest to not let my own beliefs skew my posts either, and I'll be posting a variety of faiths and philosophies.

This is one aspect of my own recovery that has been seriously neglected, and I look forward exploring it with you.

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REFERENCES


Andrade, C., & Radhakrishnan, R. (2009). Prayer and healing: A medical and scientific perspective on randomized controlled trials. Indian Journal of Psychiatry, 51(4), 247–253. 

Lolak, S., Minor, D. K., Jafari, N., & Puchalski, C. (2016). Complementary and integrative therapies for mental health and aging (C. F. Reynolds, Ed.). Oxford University Press. 

NAMI - the National Alliance on Mental Illness - Faith and Spirituality