Change Starts with Me

Long time, no write, I know...I know; so I thought I'd pop on for a quick update. 

Reno, Nevada, January 2020

2020 has indeed been an unusual year thus far. As tumultuous as it has been though, I think I'm actually hopeful that, as my former boss put it, "2020 will be the year of perfect vision!" 

Amidst the COVID-19 pandemic and social justice demonstrations around the country and world, my family has been in a huge state of transition as well. We just sold the house in which we've lived and raised our children for the past 21 years, and are now preparing to move all the way across the country in a week and a half. 

This upcoming relocation, coupled with spending the past few months hunkered down in quarantine, avidly following the Black Lives Matter movement, has been the catalyst for self-reflection on a very profound level.

Lake Tahoe Nevada State Park, Jan. 2020

Launched from my own recovery, Pink Hi-Top Adventures has been my ongoing tool for healing which I hoped might also help (or at least entertain) others along the way. But deeply reflecting on social justice and how I may have at times complacently accepted "the unfortunate way things are", has been energizing. I want my life, my actions, and my words to reflect that which I claim to espouse. So, as one chapter closes and another begins, I think it is a good time to revisit Pink Hi-Top Adventures. What precisely that means, I don't know yet, but I do know that I want to focus more on the "Adventures" part of wellness, living my values, social justice in mental health, and lifting others up with me along the way. 

Oh, also, I've been working on putting Pink Hi-Top Adventures on a site of its own; but this, dear friends, is a slow process, I'm afraid. I find it much easier to write than to set up a website, but stay tuned!!

Pink Hi-Top Adventures

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Pink Hi-Top Adventures is my first blog ever. Started back in January 2013, it's a chronicle of my ongoing recovery from depression, anxiety, and alcoholism. 

About ten years ago, I entered treatment for alcohol addiction; and at the time, I thought this was the source of all my problems - that this was the thing holding me back. Though alcohol played a very, very LARGE role, I discovered that addiction was only the tip of the iceberg. Recovery drained the pond, and exposed the real disease at the bottom.

Growing up, I was always anxious and often depressed, but I thought this was the normal state of things. I certainly didn't think I had a disorder. I just assumed I was innately flawed, abnormal, weird, and didn't fit in. This self-concept stuck with me through adulthood.

Then, three and a half years ago, I finally imploded. I spent three weeks in bed - unable to work, unable to shower, unable to function. My thoughts were turning darker too. I fantasized about death and hurting myself; and for the first time ever, it felt comforting and logical.

Fortunately, I shared this with my husband {in passing}. He reached out to my therapist; and after an ER visit, I was whisked into a partial hospitalization treatment program {PHP}. There, I was diagnosed with major depression, dysthymia {long-term, low-grade depression}, and generalized anxiety disorder. I was {am} very lucky to have a very supportive husband; and at PHP, the doctors and therapists were wonderfully caring guides as I started down the path to wellness.  

A few months later, I started this blog to chronicle my continuous recovery and progress toward achieving my goals - one of which is graduating from college with a psychology degree and substance abuse counseling certificate. Writing is part of my ongoing therapy, but I also hope it will inspire and inform you, dear reader, along the way with personal stories, education, and wellness tools.

The blog title, by the way, is inspired by my favorite pair of Converse Chuck Taylor’s that I wore at one particular time in my youth when I felt happy and free.

Also, about two weeks ago, I opened an etsy shop - an offshoot of this blog: PinkHiTopAdventures In addition to earning some cash for college, the goal is to "Encourage mental wellness through creativity." Check it out. Note that I'll be adding more craft and art supplies every week, and later this year, I'll release a wellness tool of my own.  

Finally, it's my hope that Pink Hi-Top Adventures becomes a place for you to share too. Please feel free to comment and discuss - either here or on the blog's Facebook page. Connect with me on Twitter - @pinkhitops84, or by email at pink.hi.tops@gmail.com.

Thanks for reading!

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HEY!!!

***It is important to note that I write as a person with mental illness and as an undergraduate, psychology/addiction counseling student. I am not a professional. This blog should never be a substitute for psychological or medical help, although in it, you'll find some resources and links to organizations who can help.*** 

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INDEX OF SOME OF MY FAVORITE POSTS:

LOVE, Goddammit!

World Domination Plan (March something, 2016) ;)

ADD:

One Step at a Time (9/28/13)


Addiction:

Alcoholic or problem drinker? (10/14/15)
READ THIS BLOG POST - IF NO OTHER!!!! (10/7/15)
Crossing the bridge and letting go... (9/29/15)
The Anonymous People (9/14/14)
The Raging River (3/13/14)
Thoughts from my addiction (2/27/13)
How do you help and addict (6/19/13)
Take me out to the ballgame! (8/12/13)


Anxiety:

Carousel in the Crazy House (4/12/15)
Thoughts (7/7/14)
Obstacles (5/22/13)
Social Anxiety (5/29/13)



Depression:

KC's Top 10 (11/11/15)
Depression (10/7/14)
Depression Sucks! (11/24/13)
Symptoms of Depression (10/28/13)
Notes from the Vortex (2/11/13)
Life (3/7/13)
Lifeline (3/8/13)
Grey veil...again?! (3/16/13)
Overcoming...inertia! (3/19/13)
Can't sleep (4/23/13)
Do the next right thing - part II (4/25/13)
The daily struggle (6/6/13)
Taking down the wall (6/7/13)
Contained emotions (6/13/13)



Schizophrenia:

Schizophrenia (10/9/14)


Stigma:

It IS an Illness (10/7/14)
Medication Stigma (4/29/14)
"Nervous breakdown" (3/6/13)
Depression is not a character defect (3/27/13)



Wellness:

KC's Top 10 (11/11/15)
Renew and Refresh (4/5/15)
New Hobby (10/3/14)
CBT (6/29/14)
Physical Wellness - Getting Back on Track (5/3/14)
Pet Therapy (3/24/14)
Coming Out! (3/14/14)
The 7 Habits of Mental Wellness (about Stephen Covey's, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People):
 - Introduction to (1/25/14)
 - Habit 1: Be Proactive (2/2/14)
 - Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind (2/12/14)
 - Habit 3: Put First Things First (6/23/14)
Trip to Roanoke, Virginia:
 - Rain Clouds (10/12/13)
 - Roanoke (10/12/13)
 - Heading Home (10/14/13)
Never underestimate your own power! (2/26/13)
Acceptance (3/1/13)
Recovery step #2: sleep, damn it! (3/5/13)
Rebirth (3/30/13)
Wellness part I: physical (4/26/13)
Change is possible part II (6/27/13)
Seven steps to mental health (8/2/13)
Take me out to the ballgame! (8/12/13)
Climbing back up (8/18/13)

Paradigm Shift

I'm sorry. I've been such a crappy blogger for the past several months. Much of my time and attention have been focused on a few big, big, BIG life stressors...

that and I'm 49.47.


I've not been handling well at all the looming close of the first half-century of my life. Yes, it's a mid-life crisis, and it's at a thermonuclear level right now - particularly as someone prone to depression and anxiety. 

I'm obsessing over it. I'm adding up my successes, failures, and remaining goals and subtracting them from the time I have left and I'm beginning to panic. I go back and forth in my head about whether I'm just a mediocre person who's wasted a lot of time, energy, and talent or a person who's lived a decent and very, very interesting life with a lot of good stories to tell.

Faded Giant - https://www.facebook.com/fadedgiantmusic/

I'm also caving in to vanity and depressing myself over the physical fading of my youth. Yeah, yeah. I know. "Beauty is on the inside", but it sure doesn't feel like that now - especially as one married to a hot, hot, HOT, slightly younger man. {Sorry, G, I had to call you out. ;) }

And my body is changing. My knees sound like velcro when bending or climbing the stairs. My back often hurts from heavy lifting - like putting a box of pasta on the top shelf. And I now have insomnia - probably exacerbated by the depression and worry.

At the end of the month, my youngest will turn 18 and will graduate from high school in June. This September, for the first time since 1992, I will not be going to any back-to-school nights, nor will I be filling out endless emergency contact and other school forms. {Hey...that's not so bad!} I obsess all the time about the "should haves" when I think about parenting opportunities missed and how quickly they grew up. {I forget, of course, that I'm still a mother and, God willing, will have plenty more opportunities in the coming decades to grow with them and share simple moments and bold adventures.}

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Well, that said, today I awoke with a slight paradigm shift. I recalled a sign that was posted in one of the offices in which I worked several years back. It said:

At the time, I cynically saw it as just another cliché  motivation poster; but as the words replayed in my head this morning, they struck a chord.

My attitude has been...oh I don't know...shitty. I've been spending too much time brooding over the past and dreading the future all the while abandoning the wildly dynamic and beautiful present that I'm fortunate enough to be in right now. 

So, with the aging thing, though I'll have my ups and downs, I'll navigate the journey as best I can. I'll take a timeout each day to course correct my attitude. I'm going to move forward savoring each day and each person. And I'm going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and take one day at a time.

Fighting

I'm depressed again. It sometimes happens when I'm sick, and I haven't been well since the weekend. In addition, my psychiatrist lowered my dose of Zoloft. He suspects my sleep issues and inability to get out of bed may be a side effect of the higher dose I was put on a month ago.

Regardless the cause, I'm indeed depressed. I have to say, though, this time I'm fighting it with what little energy I have. I got out of bed, made the bed to seal up the Vortex, and have been following the to do list in my planner. I'm miserable, but I'm going to trust the process. Trust that keeping active and seeing some small accomplishments will help.

On another note, my adorable puppy ate the laces off my pink hi-tops. So I can't even put them on to tap into their super powers! 

Big Day

I have a job interview today, and I'm feeling nervous. My daughter suggested I wear my Pink Hi-Tops with my suit! Maybe I will!

This is my first interview for a paid position directly related to my mission. I'm interviewing for a peer support specialist position at a local organization which provides assistance to the mentally ill - helping them in recovery to become self-sufficient, integrate back into the community, and maintain mental wellness. It is an ideal position for me, as they are looking for someone who has lived experience with mental illness and/or addiction, who is also comfortable speaking in front of groups of people. That's me.

In fact, after writing now, I don't feel nervous at all. I'm excited!

I'll keep you posted on the results!

Hope you have a wonderful day!

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Update: 

Well, I had my interview and I have to say, I really want the job! I think I'm a perfect fit and would love the opportunity to help those who are not only mentally ill, but  economically disadvantaged. 

Now the hard part - waiting to hear the results!

Pink Hi-Tops

I recently had a request from a reader (thanks Erin!) about why hi-tops and why pink? Well here's why:

In august 2012, I was diagnosed with major depression. I was also diagnosed with dysthymia {long-term, low-grade depression} and anxiety disorder. In September of that year, I checked into partial hospitalization mental health care, and was fortunate enough to have been treated by very caring and enlightened doctors. Since then, I have been emerging from the grey veil of depression and anxiety that shrouded my self-awareness for almost four decades. {I’m 47 now.}

This blog is a chronicle of my continuous recovery and progress toward achieving my goals. With it, I hope to inspire and inform those suffering from depression, anxiety, and addiction with personal stories, resources, and a little humor!

The blog title is inspired by my favorite pair of Converse Chuck Taylor's that I wore when I last felt my happiest and freest. 

"Pink" is the color of those original hi-tops. When I was depressed (before treatment), I tended to wear only to blacks, whites, and greys in my clothing color choices. Now I find I love different colors - especially pink. Pink represents innocence, fun, and lightheartedness - something that I am now experiencing in recovery.

The "Adventures" part of the title is the part of the blog in which I will chronicle my new adventures with a recovering brain. I haven't done a lot of that yet. Most of this blog has been a record of my daily ups and downs in recovery and a little psycho-education; but I think I'd like to share some of my life experiences (adventures) in recovery as well. Look for it in the coming weeks.

So that is it. The why of the title, pink hi-top adventures! 


If you have any ideas for posts that you would like to see, feel free to post them here on the blog or on the Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Pink-Hi-Top-Adventures/411429458973219?ref=hl), or email me at pink.hi.tops@gmail.com.

1-Year Anniversary Contest!

Struggling to write again - this time not because I'm depressed. In fact, it is because I have been keeping myself busy and on track with getting ready to head back to school next week. I'm amazed at the difference in my approach to housework and school between this semester and last! Maybe it is the medication change.

At any rate, tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of this blog! Last year, one of my New Year's resolutions was to start a blog - and thus began Pink Hi-Top Adventures! To mark the occasion, I am sponsoring another contest! 

To Enter:

Simply post a comment right here on the blog or on the Facebook page acknowledging your entry in the contest; and "like" the Facebook page.


Deadline for Entry:  Sunday, January 12, 2014, 11:59 PM EST


Winner Announced: Monday, January 13, 2014.

Rules/Restrictions:

Limit (1) entry per person. 

Contest not open to immediate family - you know who you are! - or previous winners.

Winners will be randomly drawn using randompicker.com.


Prizes:

• 

  A pair of Converse Chuck Taylor's Classic  - your choice of color!
  Retail value: $55.00

Filofax Metropol in red - to plan your new year!
Retail value: $54.00

Filofax Original in green - to plan for 2014! (Hey, that rhymes...)
Retail value: $100.00

A genuine Pink Hi-Top Adventures mug!
Retail value: priceless!

Prizes will be shipped to winners within 1 - 2 weeks of drawing  - 3 - 4 weeks for Converse Hi-Tops - depending on how long it takes me to find the right size / color ;)

Note: This contest is a giveaway paid for solely by the blogger (Pink Hi-Tops) and is not sponsored by Converse, Filofax, or any other manufacturer, corporation, individual, etc.

Blogging Again!

Dear reader,

I'm sorry I have been offline for almost a month. I didn't intend to abandon you. As you may recall from my last post, I suffered a bad spell of depression. Fortunately, my doctor was able to tweak my medications, and I eventually got back on track. Having gotten so far behind in school, however, made the end of semester ridiculously busy!

Well, semester's over and meds are working, so...I'm back and ready to blog!

A couple of things coming up that I want to share with you:

• Months ago, I started the The 7 Habits - an overview for those recovering from mental illness. I got as far as the introduction, but never went further. I intend to pick up that series next week. 
• January 9 will mark the 1 year anniversary of this blog! In celebration of the event, I am going to run another contest* - details to follow soon. Here is a sneak peak at some of the prizes:

  

  A pair of Converse Chuck Taylor's Classic  - your choice of color!
  Retail value: $55.00

Filofax Metropol in red - to plan your new year!
Retail value: $54.00

Filofax Original in green - to plan for 2014! (Hey, that rhymes...)
Retail value: $100.00

A genuine Pink Hi-Top Adventures mug!
Retail value: priceless!

*Note: this contest is not sponsored by or affiliated with either Filofax or Converse. All prizes are purchased and donated by Pink Hi-Top Adventures.

AND THE WINNER IS...

Congratulations CYNTHIA SHERMAN!! You are the winner of the first ever Pink Hi-Top Adventures blog contest giveaway! To claim your prize, please send an email to: pink.hi.tops@gmail.com with your size.

Thanks to all of you who entered the contest! If you did not win this time, don't fret! There will be another contest giveaway with MULTIPLE PRIZES this coming January to celebrate the 1-year anniversary of the PHTA blog, so stay tuned!!